


The Aesthetics of Love

by That_English_MajorBitch



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: A lot of POV, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Third Person, PTSD, Unrequited Love, dating class au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2020-08-13 16:37:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 85,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20177434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_English_MajorBitch/pseuds/That_English_MajorBitch
Summary: Everything about dating is unexpected and expected. Love is what you need and don't need. Maybe we should all just take classes on dating.Loona but make it Dating class AU.I suck at this.





	1. Love and Affection

**Author's Note:**

> This goes to my only follower on twitter! lol. I'm socially inept even online. Please enjoy this fic. And I will try to post every week.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin knows love. 
> 
> Heejin thought she knew love.

_ Hyunjin smiles at the girl before her. An amusement she can’t stop dancing behind her eyes. The girl squirms but it is her that almost falters at how the girl is intently staring up at her. The intensity of her gaze amazes Hyunjin. Her gaze travels, lingering in places than some, mapping features that mean nothing to Hyunjin, a mystery in every way that her lips are set in a hard line but remaining to be an image of softness to Hyunjin. She smiles wider before clearing her throat and beginning, “In your life… What do love and affection mean?”_

(Dating Class)

_ **(Kim Jiwoo)** _

The first time I met her, even though I knew I was late for class, I couldn’t help but pause. I was skipping down the hall, my brown bag rattling and jiggling with every skip that I do. I liked this bag precisely for the reason that it was cute and it matched well with my pink coat and red beret, the weight and everything else was a minor part of it, but I digress from what I am trying to say, she was peeking in through the window. Her long wavy blonde hair on her back, wearing a long brown coat with a white hoodie peeking out and her hands in their pockets. She was a picture of a very cute girl even with her back turned, all of my "_cute girl_" sensors was set on a high alert. I was so busy checking her out that I think she noticed. She turned and flashed a smile at me. I was right about her being cute. Her full squishy cheeks were pink, her plump pink lips were set in a smile that is soft and shy, her eyes a warm pool of brown. She seemed embarrassed even though I was the one caught just checking her out.

“I missed the timing to go in,” she shrugged with her cute smile, her voice soft and deep. Her brown eyes are pretty this close and her being taller makes her cuteness easier to admire with my height. I looked down with my own smile before looking back up at her again, my grip on something loosening until it dropped. She is so _cute_.

_(Inside the classroom, Professor Jo is already starting his class introduction. He’s already in his late 40’s, dressed in his brown slacks and grey shirt, with well-kept hair, and glasses, he looked like a promising teacher when it comes to dating. He was handsome, but there is a certain wariness in him, peeking out his deep gentle voice._

_ “Dating,” Professor Jo sounds exasperated, wary with even just the word, “Yes. Work, extracurricular activities, exams, job prep,” he looks around the class. “In the midst of all that, including taking this class,” he pauses to observe the students once more, “You want to date that much?”_

_ Someone answers with a snickering yes. He smiles as if he had expected the answer before it was even spoken. It probably is. In every term of this class, a proud representative would be probably in it. In this very class for those too naive about love, too tired of trying to understand love, in those who are desperate to understand love, and those who are hoping to find love. This is a class of hope or maybe just a class for those who wanted to breathe. It is a class that some of them will tire of._

_ “Is it that worth it?” he pauses again, knowing how some of them had already judged him. “Dating,” he looks at them with his world-weary eyes, taking a deep breath he says, “If you can, avoid it.”_

_ He walks around the podium, already used to the weird looks directed to him by his students. He was, in no doubt, already anticipating some of them dropping out after this meeting or maybe even the next one. Hope can be painful, he thinks, it must be paired with caution before it breaks you. It breeds too much burden to the soul. Hope crushes it with the expectations that can be very well unmet. It is too much of a burden that one must take. Alone.)_

I was peeking through the small window. The class is already in session. Some students are bored and some are looking longingly at the door. This would have been a situation where I would be feeling like I had been played a sick joke. That is if I hadn’t met the cute girl behind me. The cute girl that I am very much aware of. I was busy thinking of how nice it would have been if we were to just stay a few minutes more together when I heard a rattling noise behind me. I turn towards the cute girl again. She’s holding my key ring and smiling down at me. She’s tilting her head to the side, very much like a cute puppy would. A very cute girl. A very cute girl acting like a puppy. I can barely hold my squeal. _She’s too cute!_

“Thank you.” I smile at her. My smile feels too wide in my opinion, but I don’t care because she’s smiling back at me. Her eyes crinkling with faint laugh lines and I could stare in her pretty brown eyes all day.

“Are you new here?” she asks. Her fluffy cheeks are almost daring me to squish it. _She _is just so _cute_.

“Yes!” I answer too quickly. I touch my cheeks and I say with my voice softening, “I am.”

My cheeks are pink again, and I hope that I look really cute right now because this moment is rom-com worthy in my opinion. She giggles a weird soft whining sound. She blushes before looking away. She tiptoes, looking behind me through the window. It's all so endearing to me. “Let's go in once it gets quiet.”

I look behind me and I nod, even though she was looking through the window again. I felt myself burn in embarrassment but my smile is back on my face again when she turns back at me. She's looking at me with that cute head tilt again and I almost leaped in some-sort of eureka moment when I realized she was waiting for an answer. “Okay,” I answer with a giggle and a nod that was probably too eager. I had to clear my throat and look away from my self induced embarrassment.

“Your keyring is pretty cute.” My eyes are back on her and she's smiling at me.

“Really?” I look down, touching my burning face. My face hurts from smiling too much, and I tried to stop myself from squealing by squishing my cheeks a little bit. “Thank you.” I look back up at her. My smile still too big and my cheeks too pink. She’s smiling down at me before she looks through the window again. “Want to go in now?” I nod enthusiastically.

_(“They often say love blinds you,” Professor Jo says, a hint of amused bitterness seeping through his voice. “Everything about them looks perfect to you, and you'd give them anything. Nothing clouds your judgment like falling in love. An idiot, that's what it turns you into. An idiot.”_

_ His class has become busy among themselves. He is too used to this that he doesn’t even try to call for their attention anymore. Among his students, there are eager to learn, eager to leave, and bored for reasons simply because they don’t want to listen to him but want the easy A so they can’t really leave. He sounds too dreary to them. They look too young to him. The professor, in all his wise words, cannot bridge a gap made by a life he has forgotten. He has grown with life. They have grown to live life. He has forgotten what it means to live as the young.)_

“Hey, Chuu,” my friends from another class hiss at me. She looks pissed, her eyebrows are drawn in irritation. “You said this class is supposed to be fun.”

“Seriously,” she lowers her voice, “The professor is a bit of a weirdo. Look, people are already dropping out.” She says this all with too much malice. Her brows are drawn with a frown of irritation. Her lips a sneer. It's making her look too mean. I pout at her.

“What's wrong? Seems good to me,” I whisper back, still smiling. I look behind me to where she sat. I forgot to ask her name but I think it’s okay. I look at Professor Jo and sigh happily.

_ **(Jeon Heejin)** _

I settle comfortably on my seat. Today is orientation day so I can skip. The bus travels smoothly, the engine a lulling sound to my ears. The sun is high up, and the August air is still with a hint of heat. This day brings with it a cool breeze, a warmth that reminds me of a comfortable morning; a morning spent languidly in bed with the sheets soft as it is comforting and the sun streaming through the windows. The leaves outside are flourishing and green, the flowers colorful in vibrant eye-catching hues, and the world is beautiful with its promise. Today is a good day.

Today is a perfect day to visit him. I have been planning to visit him. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship ever since he moved to the city for work, being six years my senior, and now that I’m in college, it will be the first time that I’m seeing him after settling. Our years apart had been hard. I miss him every moment he is away.

I smile to myself, I bought groceries to cook for him today. This day would be better than most days because reunions are always the sweetest moments for people who love each other. I was never one to read but I’ve heard people tell stories of love. I’ve seen my mom with my dad. They’re not a perfect couple. Far from it even. They bicker about little things, they can get angry with each other, but they love each other. They always come through and my mom always greets dad with the biggest smile on her face whenever he’s back home from work. My dad worked in the city before but now he works home. He did it so mom wouldn’t always be alone without me. I've learned that love is all about enduring. Love is about enduring the little things because love will always find its way to lead us to happiness. 

I pull out my phone from my pocket, intending to call him. He got mad once when I came without calling. He’s very protective of me. Maybe it’s because he is older, but there are things that he gets mad about that I don’t understand. I've learned to accept that this is my own struggle in love and this will be nothing because we love each other.

“The number you have dialed is currently unavailable,” I sigh, getting a little worried now, but I won’t let something as small as this dampen my mood. Maybe he won’t get mad if I surprise him a bit. Today is a good day after all.

_ (Professor Jo looks at his class, his voice becoming distant even to his own ears. “Waste your time, waste your energy.”_

_ His class murmur among themselves. Some listening intently to his words. Some already far away from his class. This is something that he is used to already. It can be seen in how his words can sometimes be not meant for them. On some days he speaks too much in class without talking to his class. This day is one of those days.)_

I pause, looking at the little hill that the road has become. I made myself pretty for today to see him smile. I wore heels and light make-up, I even wore clothes that would make me look mature. I sigh, this is going to become a problem if I injured myself before seeing him. My shoulders feel heavy with the weight of the groceries. The sun is beginning to irritate my skin. My coat, coupled with the trek to his apartment, has made me regret my choice of wardrobe for today. I would have to retouch my make-up before meeting him.

_(“The biggest problem is giving yourself to them entirely,” he sounds too tired. A little too much of understanding flowing through his voice like an unstoppable dam of memories. He is baring himself with his words. What he is baring is another question altogether.)_

I harden my resolve. Today is going to be a good day spent with him. A minor inconvenience like this won’t stop me. I stand straighter, pulling the two bags of groceries I bought to cook for him, I try to forget my feet that is beginning to blister. I am going to trek this road if it means I can see him today. And with that thought, my legs regain a little of their strength, and the little sweat from the sun feels cooler in my body.

_ (“Even if the end is right around the corner, nobody ever expects the breakup.” If his students were listening maybe his words would have meant something, if his students were older maybe they would have understood his wariness, and these were all that he wanted to believe. His thoughts linger on these things, and if he really understood them, he would have realized that maybe he was just a stranger to them now. An old stranger with words that the invincible young can’t care about. )_

I walked. I walked. And I walked before turning a corner. This would be the final corner before I reach his apartment. I sigh in relief, and I can see the black car always parked near the gates of his apartment. The landlord supposedly owns it but its always just outside whenever I am allowed to visit so I don’t really know. I pause, trying to give my feet some rest. I look back up ahead of the road. I gather the groceries and continue to walk. This day is a good day. Today _would_ be a _good day._

_ (His eyes clear and his words echo to someone’s ear. “Even if you become broken in the end, you can't stop yourself.” _

_ Maybe if someone told him these words when he was younger he would have avoided many heartaches. Or maybe the heart of the young would have been stupid in its belief of being invincible. He wasn’t sure what love means to him now. He has laugh lines in the corners of his eyes but smiling or laughing has become foreign to him. He wonders about the reasons of why he smiles now. He becomes amused with this thought and a little bit of lightness warms his eyes.)_

I ring the doorbell again. My feet hurt because of my heels but that is the least of my concerns. Nobody is answering the doorbell. Maybe he isn’t home yet, but I remember him telling me yesterday that he doesn’t have work today. I frown. Today _should_ be a good day.

I take my phone out and try to dial his number again. He still doesn’t answer. I look down my feet. My ankles have blisters because of the heels. My ankles look red with a bit of blood that has wet my heels, and I reach for my handkerchief, before crouching down to try and clean the wound. I try to tap the wound with as much care as I could, but I wince, it stings because of the flayed skin. Maybe I shouldn’t have forced myself to wear it today. It’s new so my feet are not yet properly accustomed to it.

I shake my head. I’m tired. The sun is nearing noon, and its starting to become irritating to my skin again. The trek has done nothing to help me and I can feel my frustration rising. I try to look through the gates. There is no one to answer me. No one would answer the gate so the landlord could be out or asleep. A lot of people who rent rooms in the apartment is a student or maybe people working in the city. Today can’t be helped. Maybe I should’ve waited for him to invite me. I look at the two bags of groceries that I’ve put in the ground. I bought a lot so he can have more to eat. I’m going to have to bring all of this with me back down. I wouldn’t have anyone to leave the food with. I have acted stupidly again.

I prepare to leave, gathering the groceries that I bought for today. My thoughts wander to what I should do with the groceries, maybe I can cook food with my new roommate, it would be nice to become closer to her. Images of the cute bubbly clingy Chuu come to my mind and I snort. I don’t think I should be worried about becoming close to Chuu. She’s close to everyone.

“Gyeong-ju, did you have a good time today?” I stop in my tracks. My feet giving out on me and I blame it on my hurting feet that I have been ignoring. My chest clenches, my breathing shortens and I blame it all on the fact that I fell. It wasn’t because I heard his voice saying another person’s name. A woman’s name.

“Yeah.” She sounded sweet. Her voice is fine and soft. It felt grating to my ears. My eyes water and I’m glad that the car obscures my view of them. I don’t want to see him with his arms around her. Or maybe I should just look. Like ripping band-aid from a fresh wound. I should spare myself the ambiguity. But I see him now in my mind and my throat feels raw. I’m too much of a coward.

“Want some?” I stiffen, my grip on my ankles tightening. The stinging pain distracts me from her voice. I try to message my ankle softer. I don’t want to be seen sprawled on the road. I’m already as pathetic as I am.

“Good?”

“Good.” There’s a little smile to his voice and I can see him in my mind’s eye looking down at her with his handsome face. “Where should we go next time?”

They sounded closer and I hurry to stand-up. I gather my groceries with frantic movements, no doubt the contents already scrambled and I would have to sift through them later. I try not to wince through the pain but my hand’s grasp on the car’s bumper slips. I fall again and the alarm activates. I close my eyes and I try to breathe slower, waiting for the inevitable.

“Hold on, it must be a cat...”

_ (“You worry that you're not loved, and your confidence hits new lows.” These words fall on deaf ears. They can listen but they do not understand it. They hear and they try but they do not know this pain yet. Perhaps it is better this way. Professor Jo looks at them and he hopes that they don’t understand this yet. He hopes because, even with age, he is still as vulnerable as they are.)_

We’re settling down on our seats. He took me to a nearby cafe. I can’t even try to look around and enjoy the place. This was the type of place he used to take me when it’s a good day. He didn’t look at me the whole way here. And I just know that this day can’t end the way that I had hoped it would. The waiter came and he ordered for both of us. The waiter looked at us weirdly. Or maybe she was looking at me with pity in her eyes. He took_ Gyeong-ju _here.

“Why are you here on a weekday?” he asks me. His _friend_ left after meeting me. She was nice and all I could do the entire time was hang my head low. He apologized to her for me. She was beautiful. She had long straight hair and she was wearing a dress that he had always wanted me to wear. She was good and polite. She was the woman he always wanted me to be. “What about your classes?”

“Huh?” My mind clears from the sound of his voice. It was his lecturing voice. His voice is laced with irritation. His brown eyes are glaring at me. He isn’t even trying to hide how he’s disappointed that I had cut his moment with her short.

“Oh, that...” I can’t look at him properly. He looks handsome today. His black hair is styled to frame his face. His clothes are more tasteful than the usual t-shirts. He had put the effort to pick a jacket that matched his blue shirt. He had a _good day._

“We have an orientation session this week so I can skip it,” I reply softly.

“Are you bragging about your college life?” he sneers at me, and my eyes are back to him again because that was what he told me. He told me to always look at him when he's talking. He told me this when he was smiling at me. His handsome face twists with disgust now. His eyes can’t even look at me as gently as he used to. When was the last time he smiled at me?

“That's not what I-” my voice is too weak. Powerless in his gaze. Pathetic.

“And how can you just come like that?” he cuts me off. He’s blatantly expressing his distaste and my heart clenches with the way that he almost spits each word at me. “I have something called privacy, you know?”

“I called, but you didn't pick up, and you didn't answer my messages, so I got worried.” My eyes dart back to the table, my voice lowering with the weltering look that he fixes on me. I hear an indignant huff. It hurts when I look at him now.

“You're using me as an excuse again?” his voice rises with every word. I bite my cheek and my eyes blur with unshed tears. “What are you trying to say, that you did nothing wrong? Heejin,” I look back at him, “Think about it for once. Did I ever ask you to buy me stuff like this?”

“No.” It was supposed to be for both of_ us. _

“This isn't a feel-good surprise for me. It's lacking basic manners.” I prepare myself for his next words. I’ve heard him say these words too many times that it had made itself home in the darkest pits of my mind. A whispering fiend that reminds me of my failure. “Is this something I have to teach you every little thing about?”

“Sorry, I didn't think you'd dislike it.” My fingers curl and I watch it as it makes small indents on the skin.

“Don't be hurt by what I tell you. I say these things to help you,” he sighs now. He sounds tired. I bow my head again and I try to stop the onslaught of tears. I bite my lips and I try to talk but it’s soundless. Just like every time that this happens.

“Are you crying again? It's frustrating.” he looks embarrassed. I’m pathetic.

_(“Don't you feel like yelling at other people when they are being so passive? But, hey,” Professor Jo sighs, he almost seems like he finds the question funny. His face remains amused when he says the next words, but his words are bitter and altogether too tired, “Isn't this the same story for us all?”)_

“No?” my voice cracks, the sound soft, and the sob hiding behind it is pathetic, even to my ears. I shake my head, trying to gather every courage that I could muster, my hands curling on itself harder. “Who was that girl?”

“Girl?” He seems taken aback. His face becoming confused. Trying too hard to be innocent. “What girl?”

“From before,” I smile, my bitterness seeping to my voice, ”The person you were walking with.” He looks at me with wide eyes. He looks surprised and I want to know what he would do now. He scoffs. Shaking his head before he pins his eyes on me with that look again.

“There you go making up whole stories in your head again,” he says with annoyance. He looks at me irritated, his incredulity is written all over his face, and his eyes are becoming colder. He’s looking at me as if I am stupid. “She's an old coworker called Gyeongju. I told you about her before. By the way, have you gained weight?” 

“Huh? I don't know, have I?” I smile at him. Touching my face, I feel my heart clenching with anger and self-pity. And I remember the effort I made to prepare myself today. Trying to look pretty just so he could compliment me. “I'm just a little puffy from not getting enough sleep the past few days.”

“Appearances are important at the start of a semester, so put some thought into it.” He smiles at me, he looks at me like he had won, but my mind doesn't register this.

“You're not angry anymore?” My hope rises with the way he looks at me. He looks soft again. His smile is the same smile he gives me during good days.

“Angry? I'm not angry,” he is smiling at me but I wonder why my heart is not pleased like how I thought it would be. “I was just worried you'd go around making mistakes.”

_(“Those of you who haven't yet begun dating is probably thinking it'll be different for you. Dating,” he pauses, looking at his class. Taking his time to see the faces of these young people with too many hopes and dreams. It’s disappointing how it can be easily crushed. _ _“It's all about the same. Avoiding it if you can is a hundred, a thousand times better,” he chuckles, “No, a billion times better.”_

_ He smiles at them. His smile is genuine and strained. Crooked with all the things that made him handsome, his words evil with their bitterness, and for a little while the young man who believed in love and all things pure and beautiful it brings, merges with the sardonic man that lives within his place now. “Now then, who wants to date regardless?”_

_ Almost all of them raise their hands enthusiastically. They’re eager and young. Zealous and invincible. They feel prepared to take on the world._

_ “See?” he chuckles and it is full of amusement and jealousy, “I could keep going on forever, but in the end, you still want to date. That's the problem. Troublesome love,” he sighs, “We'd be happy if we didn't need to think about it but we want to be loved so badly and give it, too, but it's too hard to bear the feeling. I can't stop you if you insist on following this road full of suffering," he smiles at them wider, and now he is old and vulnerable, "But if you're going to anyway, why not try your best?” _

_He smiles at them, and it is genuine and hopeful. He’s just as foolish as they are. “No, you should definitely do the best you can. To keep yourself in the end.”)_

“Darling, so when can we meet again?” His phone buzzes and I’m looking at him again with the same look I’ve been giving him before we became together. Longing for him with the earnest wish of understanding him. I never really had him even when he smiled and asked me to be his. My gaze travels to his phone.

“Well, I'll let you know.” He’s smiling down at his phone. Distracted and away from me.

“Is it that girl from before?” I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

“Dammit! Why are you peeking at my phone?” he sounds mad again, “Are you saying you don't trust me?”

“No, that's not it,” my hopes to salvage the moment crumbles with every piercing glare he sends my way and when I try to say more desperate than I know I should, begging almost, “Sorry, I was wrong," my hope withers. I was too late.

A look of finality crosses his face. “Don't come anymore.”

“Huh?” My mind reels. Every thought escapes me and my ears ring with static. Panic courses through me and he is all that I can hear. The world is lost at this moment.

“Let's take a break. I think that's the right thing to do.” My eyes become sharp and he is all that I can see. The way that his lips quirk in contempt. His brows furrowing in anger. His eyes becoming sharp with something that I don’t want to know. He runs his hand through his hair. A habit he does when frustrated. He slumps in his seat and sighs. He was never really mine.

“Why are you like this all of a sudden?” my meek voice escapes me, giving all the fight that I have left on me.

“I'm just frustrated, alright? I want to be alone,” and he does look exhausted now. His brown eyes can’t look at me, his shoulders becoming less tense with his every breath, he has mussed his hair from frustration, but he wasn’t tired like me. He’s just tired of me. “I'm going.”

“I just love-”

“I know you love me. It's what you tell me every day, isn't it?” he sighs. He gets up and leaves. He doesn’t even look back.

“I just,” my tears fall now. I taste blood in my mouth and the insides of my cheeks sting. My feet feel too heavy and my heart cries with its own pain.

_(“Because in life you just want to be loved,” Professor Jo’s smile softens, “Is that really something that can't be said? Is that really such an excessive demand from life?”)_

**(From mom)**

**(I miss my daughter**

**You were born to be loved)**

**(To Darling)**

**(Darling, I made it home ** **(Unread))**

I’m just trying to find happiness. I just wanted to be happy. My eyes sting again. My frown deepens and the unread on my screen hurts me more than it should. It hurts me with the implicit message it has. Loving was never supposed to be this hard.

"Don't date. If you date, everything will be ruined or so he says,” Chuu’s voice cuts through my thoughts, “Thought he was a total weirdo at first. He's definitely not normal, but strangely, that has a little appeal of its own, you know?"

My mind clears, I look down and try to sniff as discretely as I could. I use my grey sweater to wipe any evidence of tears from my eyes. I look at Chuu with her pink pajamas and red round glasses. We are sitting on our room’s floor. Eating spicy fried chicken to celebrate the first day of school. Our things are yet to be unpacked and I think that we should have started that first but I can’t really say no to Chuu. I’m not sure anyone can. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night.

“Heejin!” She looks at me with her reprimanding look. A cute scowl on her face, with the oil from the chicken we’re eating smeared on her upper lip. “Are you crying again?”

“It's too spicy,” I say with a little chuckle. I hand her a tissue, my chest hurts but I try to smile at her. She’s too much of a kid to be older than me. She doesn’t deserve me dampening her good mood.

“This won't do, girl! You need to relearn dating,” she says all this while wiping her lips and chewing on a bite of a chicken at the same time. It has the effect of making her look too comical and adorable.

“Me and you. Let's take this together. The aesthetics of dating!” she pounces on me excitedly, handing me the class curriculum. I almost lost my balance, if it wasn’t for the fact that Chuu greets me with a barreling hug every time I see her, I would have not been prepared with her sudden weight on me. She’s surprisingly strong and muscular in a lot of ways. If it weren’t also for the fact that she loves hugging so much, maybe it would have taken me longer to know that she has a black belt in taekwondo. There are a lot of surprising facts about her really.

“What's this supposed to be?” I read the class introduction. I see Professor Jo Seokhyun’s name and I feel myself grow hot in shame. I turn to her, indignant in all intent of trying to cover how embarrassing the feeling of needing to take a class on dating is, “I'm not going to take a class on dating.”

“Hey, nobody's telling you to find a date there,” she chides, but her eyes are wide with mischief burning in them. Too suspicious. “This is an optional pass or fail class, so get credits and maybe make some friends too. You don't have any guy friends, do you?”

“Don't they say friendships between opposite sexes don't exist?” I say exasperated. My eyes squint at her but she remains unbothered. A week of living with her had made me realize just how useless trying to act mad is with her. She likes acting innocent. An annoying little brat. An older annoying little brat.

“Who said that?” she asks almost sounding offended. “Someone who can fill needs that boyfriends or girlfriends can't is a guy friend. You can act however you want with them, they're fun. It's way better than having a significant other.”

“Really?” I ask skeptically.

“I'm telling you! You should be going to a guy for love advice too. Takes a guy to know one,” she nods in her way of trying to look wise and it almost makes me want to snort at her. It’s hard to believe she’s a year older than me. She's a second-year student and I thought she was a freshman like me the first time I met her. And it's harder to believe just how annoying she is. Especially since when I was told I would be rooming with someone older than me I was thinking more in the line of a really nice older sister type. Someone who would guide me with all her serious knowledge in life and all that jazz. She was a real eye-opener for me. She's a brat who has older person privileges. And I have no choice but to like her because it's hard not to. I think it's a crime to hate her actually but I'm allowed to say she's a brat because she is one.

“What love advice?” My eyes widen at her, my voice teasing. “You've never even been in a relationship.”

“Hey!” Now she looks offended, glaring at me with her small squishy face. “You don't need a boyfriend to seek love advice! More importantly, you should use this opportunity to find a guy friend.”

“Well, I don't think it's for me,” I say smiling at her faintly. My gaze travels back to my phone and I can almost feel my eyes burning again. Still unread.

“Will you stop looking at your phone? Forget him,” she’s looking at me with sympathy in her eyes, her voice sounding serious now. I’m failing even in just this. I already told myself that I wouldn't dampen her mood. “Isn't it obvious he's trying to get you to break up with him?”

“I told you it's not like that,” I smile up at her, silently begging her to stop, “He just needs some time to rest because he's so busy these days.”

“You're such a doormat,” she says with a voice that sounds defeated. She shakes her head at me, taking the class curriculum from the floor before hitting me with it.

“Come on. Let's take it together.” I glare at her and she shrugs. “Hmm? You never know. Getting a guy friend might help you figure it out.”

I sigh and look back down my phone, but the moment I tried to open it, it's gone and I look back up her. Glaring at her with as much irritation I could muster. She looks at me with a smirk before hiding my phone on the back of her pink stuffed bear.

“Stop looking at your phone!” she smiles at me cheekily, laying the class curriculum in front of me, “And look at this. There are these types of questions...”

_(Professor Jo looks around his class, watching them flip through the questions, he smiles at them once more before beginning to relay the first instruction for their class. The first official activity that will guide his students for the whole term of this class. _ _“What constitutes your perfect day? When's the last time you cried in front of someone else? If there's anything you've long wished for? To fall in love with anyone, do this. 36 questions that lead to love. With these questions, I'm thinking we might conclude our study of 6 months. Pick your question and ask someone while looking into their eyes,” he pauses before looking back up them, _ _“Who wants to go first?”_

_ A hand shoots up and Professor Jo points at a girl sitting close to the podium. She’s an eager student. He has seen her taking notes more than is necessary. He nods at her and the student stands up with her partner following her to the little private room of their classroom.)_

_ Heejin follows Hyunjin. She watches the girl’s black hair up in a ponytail swishing about with her every step. Her blue shirt is well ironed, the sleeves tucked and displaying her toned forearms, her black slack is fitted to her legs and she stands with a formality that can be seen as stiff. She does not smile a lot. She’s pretty in a way that is too intimidating._

_ They try to settle comfortably across each other. The room is small and the little round tea table is cute and cozy, but the room feels a little too stifling. The girl from across Heejin clears her throat, smiling a little before flipping through her notes, before looking at Heejin and beginning, _ _“In your life...”_

_Heejin has never seen someone so serious and stiff before. The girl before her is too formal. Too proper, and yet her large dark brown eyes look at her like they are dancing with amusement. A smile threatening to break-out in Heejin’s lips, she stares back at her. Heejin’s eyes travel to the girl’s lips staring intently at how it forms words. The lilting deep voice a gentle wave of the sea to her ears. She looks back at Hyunjin’s eyes. A feeling of giddiness in her chest, fluttering and skipping with something she does not understand. “What does love and affection mean?”_


	2. The last time I cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When's the last time you cried in front of someone else?” Heejin smiles up at the girl, her eyes looking wistful. A smile hiding an amusement to a cruel joke. A smile with enough to hide and enough to show. A smile laden with sadness and hope. A smile that is beautiful as the moon in its mystery and loneliness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol. I was motivated to write so here's chapter 2 but don't really expect me to always update this fast. Happy reading!!

_ “When's the last time you cried in front of someone else?” Heejin smiles up at the girl, her eyes looking wistful. _ _A smile hiding an amusement to a cruel joke. _ _A smile with enough to hide and enough to show. A smile that was laden with sadness and hope. A smile that is beautiful as the moon in its mystery and loneliness._

(Dating Survival Guide)

I’m crouching on the tiled floor, waiting for my laundry to finish. I have been looking for any excuse to find a place where I can mope without Chuu to fuss all over me like the dependable friend and senior that she has suddenly become. It isn’t fair because she’s too cute and I’m becoming more pathetic with every time that I spend looking at my phone. He hasn’t called. Or even just texted me.

I sigh dejectedly. I look at my laundry. Swirling and rumbling in its little box and I’m reminded of when I once ruined a matching T-shirt that I bought with him in the washer. It shrank and it doesn't fit me anymore, but I still have it. I couldn't throw it away. Attachment. People call it an attachment. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one holding on, but I shake my head and remind myself that he told me he loved me. _He loves me. _He wouldn’t end us that easily. We had years to form this relationship. He wouldn’t just throw those years away. I’m not sure I could let him go.

I check my phone again. The screen shows his social media profile. I’ve been doing this more and more, looking for ways to see him again even if not in person. I feel my lips tug upwards at his smiling face. He looks happy in the picture, his eyes crinkling in the way that I have always loved, it makes him look gentler and more genuine. I haven’t been on the receiving end of it lately.

My finger moves to swipe next. I frown, my lips freezing in its little tug. Zooming on the picture, my smile drops completely as I see his hands holding another person’s hand. Jealousy rises from within me and I feel my heart constrict. _He told me it was just a co-worker. He told me to trust _him.

_ **I made it home(Unread).** _

M_y _finger hovers over the _Leave chat_ on my screen. I’m unable to let go. Unable to forget. My timer goes off. My head snaps to the dryer and I stand to collect my laundry. I try to stretch, my legs numb. I pick up my hamper, the dryer next to mine continues in its swirl. The sound relaxes me, dumping all of my clothes on my hamper, my mind wanders again.

A gentle tap startles me and I feel my back hit the back of the dryer. It hurts and I’m ready to be angry at the person who startled me. A glare and scowl already fixed on my face, I turn. She’s taller than me by a few inches, her black hair falls on her black hoodie like fine silk. Her eyes are pretty, a deep brown that almost looks black in its regard of me. She looks apologetic but my pride hurts so I glare up at her with more intensity than I intended.

“Excuse me,” she looks down on my hamper. “But that’s my laundry.”

“No...” My anger turning to confusion, I look down on the clothes that I have taken and I see black boy shorts and sports bras. I panic and screech. I drop the hamper with surprise. My face burns and I can almost feel my self faint from the sudden rush of embarrassment. She stands there confused. A little furrow on her brow but an otherwise concerned face.

“Oh, no. I'm very sorry.” I bow down as low as I could. “I thought it was mine. I'm sorry.” There’s another beep and I’m off with my head hanging low, trying to hide my face and to wallow in my embarrassment. She’s standing still confused, looking at me scrambling as I take the hamper from the ground. I hastily stuff her clothes on her yellow hamper that she’s holding, before running to my clothes after that had gone off minutes after she had tapped me. I stuff all of it as fast as I could and I bolt out the room without looking back. I don’t think I can ever come back to this laundry room.

I come back to the room with Chuu still sprawled on her bed. Her laptop’s open to some comedy show and she’s happily laughing along to some joke that I can’t make out. I slump down the floor and try to relax my breathing. I lean back on my bed and sigh. Chuu looks at me briefly with concern, but when she sees me physically unharmed and when I give her a reassuring smile, she turns back at her laptop’s screen, giggling again to some joke. I tie my hair up to a ponytail, settling myself properly on the floor.

I begin to take clothes from my hamper, folding the clothes neatly and setting it at my bed. The actions soothe me, and soon I’m lost to it. I focus on trying to straighten every crease with my hands. The smell of clean laundry is soothing to my anxious nerves. I’m almost done folding my laundry, the last clothing on my hand when I notice something wrong with it. I raise it to my face and I scream in horror. I fling it to Chuu and she screeches in surprise. She pauses her program and she turns to me, almost ready to give me a beating when she pauses. She looks at the _black boy shorts._ Something I do not own. She smirks up at me and a teasing mischievous look replaces her earlier glare.

“Hey, isn't this underwear?” she looks at it again and her smirk becomes a wide scandalous smile ”Whose is it? It isn’t your boyfriend’s right? It’s too small.”

“No, it's not!” I yell hotly. My face burns and this is the second time today that I’ve felt this mortified. This isn’t the girl’s fault but I’m blaming it on her because she isn’t here. And she also owns the underwear. That I took because I was spacing out. Oh My God. Everything is my fault. I'm so stupid. I huff in frustration.

“No?” she seems too pleased with the answer. “Then what is it? Why would you wash someone else' underwear?”

“It belongs to someone I don't know,” I answer without much thought, grumbling. I take the underwear from Chuu, pinching it in between my two fingers. “Besides it was a girl.”

“What? You don't even know the person? Girl, you're crazy,” she’s becoming too invested in the situation but I was too busy thinking about the girl and what I’m supposed to do with the underwear that I didn’t expect what _cute kid Chuu_ says next. “A one night stand?”

“No way!” I yell at her even more mortified than before. My blush travels to my neck, I can feel my whole body hot with embarrassment, and I glare at her. She’s too cheeky.

“I must have brought it from the laundry room by mistake,” I murmur to myself, I sigh before walking to the trash bin. I’ll just throw it away. I shouldn’t have been too distracted. This day is already filled with more blunder than I could take. “What's wrong with me?”

“Bummer. I thought you'd have a fun story,” she pouts, about to turn back to her program when she sees what I’m about to do. “Hey! You can't just throw it away. It's not yours.”

“I guess you have a point...” I turn back, my head hurts and I just want to sleep this day off.

“Give it back!” she’s sitting up her bed now, squealing excitedly.

“How could I? I don't even know her.” I lean on the wall and groan.

“You must have seen her face,” she’s talking excitedly now, and her voice is a loud piercing sound to my impending migraine. “You would remember her if she was pretty.”

“I did see her, but,” I groan again, looking back at her I huff in frustration. “I was sort of out of it and don't remember much.”

“Then put it back where you found it,” she says turning back to her laptop, she has already lost her interest. “She will come and find it if she wants it back.” She says before playing her program again.

“l can't go back to that laundry room again,” I sigh defeated. I look at the underwear and decide that maybe I should just keep it. I’m just going to give it back when the perfect timing happens. When my life isn’t such a mess. Or so what I tell myself before arranging all my laundry neatly in my closet. Hiding the underwear in the farthest corner, satisfied with my work I turn to my bed and just fall to it. Sleep will do me some good. I’m sure of it. I hope it would. My head hurts and I need this. The last thoughts on my head before succumbing to sleep are brown feline eyes and yellow flowery hampers.

The next day I found myself being dragged by Chuu to the campus half-awake. The extra sleep did me some good, but I’m pretty sure I had a nightmare. Chuu was shaking me awake and I didn’t have the time to recall what it was about. The moment we’re inside the classroom, I almost wanted to smack Chuu. There aren’t many people yet. I sigh, I sit next to Chuu, trying to settle comfortably.

“Hey, Chuu. Why don't we sit in the back?” I ask her. I’ve decided to join her in this dating class. She’s been bugging me about it with every chance she can. The effort to stop her would be more exhausting than just taking a class three days a week. It would be more bothersome for me if Chuu won’t stop fussing over me when I’m trying to mope. “This is totally unnecessary.”

“Give the professor a good impression and pass this course,” she whispers at me. As if this class even needs a lot of brains to pass. It’s just about dating. She suddenly starts squirming in her seat. Looking everywhere behind her.

“Where is she? Did she drop out?” she murmurs. I almost didn’t hear her say those words because my ears are ringing from the sudden onslaught of sound. The other students have come and are settling in. And suddenly I’m worried about another thing.

“I'm so nervous. What if he makes me do a self-introduction or show a talent?” Things like that always happen in classes like this one. This is only the second class session and I’m the new girl. I was the last to enroll in this class. I can already feel the dread settle low in my stomach. I hate how it’s embarrassing and completely irrelevant. You can’t know someone with introductions and it does nothing to help people become comfortable.

“You're overreacting,” she whispers back at me, that is if she even knows how. Her voice is too loud. “This is the second meeting already and nothing like that happened during the first meeting.” The door opens and she freezes. She looks at the person who entered and she looks at her with an admiration that I’m sure is mirrored on my own. “Wow, so pretty.”

“Oh! You noticed too?” I ask following the girl with my gaze. The girl was walking towards the back row. She has straight brown hair, a cold stare with her brown eyes, red lips set in an indifferent line. She’s very intimidating. It doesn't help that she's very beautiful.

“It’s really pretty, right?” she sighs wistfully, following what I thought was the girl we were both looking at.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“You weren't talking about the bag?” she asks. A look of wistfulness crossing over her features again. “That's a totally expensive bag. Not to mention, it's the latest design. Gosh, I would die to have that bag. The longer I look at it the more I'm convinced it's genuine.”

“I see.” I look behind me to where the girl is settling herself. Putting the black handbag down on her table before sitting, crossing her legs and taking out a phone from her bag. Her black coat looks expensive hugging her shoulders, her white shirt and black slacks complete her look as an indifferent rich girl, and I’m sure all of her things are expensive and genuine too. The door opens again and the girl from the laundry room enters. I panic, trying to bow my head as low as I could. I look at Chuu and I wish she can try to be less excitable as she is. Chuu was right when she said I would remember her because she's pretty.

“You know that girl?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. Her eyes follow the girl and I wish she would stop gathering attention from almost every person. She’s too loud.

“The underwear.” I hiss at her. I try to signal her to duck low, but she squeals and I try to hide my face with my hair. I can feel my whole being burning with embarrassment. I just wish the professor would show up already so Chuu can be done with her unintentional way of magnifying my shame.

“Wow! That's the laundry room underwear girl?” I feel my blush travel to my neck and I can almost feel the girl looking at Chuu, trying to figure out what’s going on. I peek and I see that she’s sitting in the row behind us. Great. She’s taller than us why does she have to sit near the podium? I'm just thankful that she lost interest fast and had resumed in settling her things.

“Hey! Keep it down, will you?” I glare up at her. 

“You know how they say coincidence turns to fate,” she says in that cheeky teasing way that she always does before winking. “I hope it works out between you two.”

“I think it's already starting,” I shush at her, glaring before returning in trying to be discreet in hiding my embarrassment. Professor Jo stands on the podium. He looks serious. I think I’m done being grateful to him because I’m nervous again. He puts his papers on the table, waiting for us to quiet down before he begins his lecture.

"Well begun is half done," he starts. He is a little weird. He looks well put together but there is something about him that says he is exhausted. And his glasses don’t even have lenses. “Do you know why people say this? Because it's so damn hard to start anything. Imagine how easy life would be if you could just do whatever you're used to. We're naturally intimidated by change and challenge. When you're too scared to start something on your own, it is best to have someone else push you into it.” He pauses and he starts sifting through his papers, “Having said that, I want you to introduce yourselves now.” I really want to curse Chuu now.

“The first one to go is...” He looks down the paper. “This one is pretty famous, Ha Sooyoung. Okay, you get to pick the next person when you're done. And that person becomes Sooyoung’s first dating partner.”

“You said, partner?” A girl in a somehow stylish pink shirt with long brown hair stands up. Her pretty face is scrunched-up in confusion but she isn’t inherently displeased with the idea. She even looks giddy with it.

“Yes. A partner who will exercise dating with you.”

“Dating?” I turn to glare at Chuu. “You said this class wasn't about that.”

She raises her hands in defense and she’s trying to act all innocent. The cheeky little devil. “It was all in the syllabus. Didn't you read it?”

I just sigh in resignation. Chuu is too conniving for me. Maybe I really should just start treating her as an older sister. An older sister who likes to act all cute but is secretly trying to embarrass me all the time. An older sister that is so cheeky right now. This is going to be one hell of a tedious year for me.

“Hello, everyone. I'm Ha Sooyoung. Everyone calls me Yves and I’m a third-year theatre major,” she says with a bow to us. She smiles and her very lovely face becomes even lovelier. Why is there a lot of pretty people in this class? “I don’t have a lot of experience dating so I have a lot to learn. I hope my partner is someone wise enough to guide and lead me.”

She sifts through the glass bowl, picking a piece of paper reading the name to herself before reading the name from the paper with a small hesitant smile, “Kim Jun-soo?”

A guy whoops in the back and I’m assuming he’s the lucky guy. The whole class laughs and Yves smiles wider. The guy, Jun-Soo, tries to regain any semblance of his dignity still smiling wide even if he’s so red in the face. He stands up and bows to her, clearing his throat before starting his introduction. The whole class goes on like this, choosing partners. Some are disappointed, no doubt having already singled out someone they wanted as their partners, while some people don’t even care.

“My name's Jeong Su-rok.”A tall handsome guy stands in the podium. His black suit is more tasteful than most guys that I’ve seen wear in the class. He looks so well put together and even his hair is well styled. He looks even more handsome when he smiles. Charming. “I'm majoring in fashion design. My goal is to launch my own brand in fashion after I graduate.”

“Thank you.” Professor Jo smiles at him before giving him the bowl to pick his partner. He sifts through the names picking one he thinks he would like before he reads to us, “Yun… Seung,” his voice becomes unsure. He reads the whole paper to himself again before continuing, “Professor, I'm afraid I picked a guy. Can I try again?”

The class laughs. I try to smile and I don’t even try to look at Chuu beside me. Maybe she’s pouting at this. I don’t really know. I look at Professor Jo, watching how he would handle this situation, but to my surprise, he just shrugs and smiles at Su-rok.

“It's just dating, per se. Why should gender matter?” Professor Jo says and I feel myself smile wider, before turning to face Chuu. Chuu who is smiling wider than I am. The next person to stand on the podium was the intimidating girl from earlier.

“Kim Jungeun, second-year, communication studies major,” she says without even a hint of a smile before bowing. Her red lips remaining in a pursed line. She really is so pretty in an intimidating way. “I retook the college entrance exam so I'm 23 years old now. I will try to enjoy this class.” I hope she would. She doesn’t even sift through the bowl, she just picks one before reading it without preamble, “Olivia.”

“I'm Olivia.” A tall girl even more intimidating than Jungeun stands in the podium. Black leather jacket, curly hair, mean expression but soft voice, “And a freshman sculpture major. I finished high school abroad. I heard so much about this class before I came to this school so I decided to see it myself.”

“She's known to be the hottie of that department but not as popular as you'd think,” Chuu whispers, leaning into me. Her small hands tugging on my coat.

“Why is that?” I whisper back, intrigued by this really intimidating pretty girl.

“Look at her,” Chuu signals to Olivia’s direction with her chin, where Olivia is bowing to Jungeun, trying to be discrete but failing miserably. “She looks stubborn and uptight. Her classmates won't even ask her for lunch because they're scared.”

“Why is she taking this class then?” I ask but she squeals and my attention is directed back in front of the podium because Chuu is clearly having a crisis. A tall blonde girl in a sweatshirt stands in the podium. She bows, her smile big and her eyes crinkling.

“Hello, my name is Jung Jinsol. I'm a third-year, business major. Taking this class was on my bucket list before I came to this school. I've finally come to accomplish it this year.” She doesn’t sift through the bowl, just picking one, smiling at everyone when she reads the paper. “Kim Jiwoo?”

“No way,” Chuu gasps and I turn to her. She looks dumbstruck. “Did she just say my name, Heejin?”

“Yes!” I smile before pushing her to the stage. This girl must be the one she was gushing about yesterday. She skips to the podium, her pink sweatshirt bouncing with her, and I can already feel the whole class gushing at how cute she is.

“Hi, everyone. I'm a 22-year-old computer science major, Kim Jiwoo.” She stands in the podium, her smile wide, making hand gestures, and absolutely being adorable in her straightforwardness, “Everyone just calls me Chuu. My ideal type is a person with a beautiful smile, that looks good with glasses. Quite frankly, anyone charming enough is good for me. I took this class hoping to find a date on campus."

The class cheers at Chuu. And another name is called and I try to block my face with my hand as much as I could after I had a peek at the tall figure in the podium. I pretend to be busy writing, just hoping for all of this to be over.

“Hello, my name is Kim Hyunjin, a freshman and a chemistry major,” a voice that is terrifyingly familiar speaks. It's the sound of warning buzzers in my head going off.

Chuu sits beside me acting all smiley and I’m thankful because she’s become too dazed to realize who is standing in the podium. My phone buzzes and I welcome the reprieve. I feel for it in my coat’s pocket. And trying to be as discrete as possible, I open the new message flashing on the screen.

**(Darling:**

**Class is over soon, right? **

**Want to meet?**

**Can you come out?)**

Come out? Is he here? I smile with this thought. Maybe he’s here to make-up with me. I smile wider and I feel myself become giddy. I try to pinch my cheek if this is real and when I feel the sting of the pinch I read the message again. Hope blooms in my chest and I prepare to leave. I try to put my notebook back to my bag as fast as possible.

“Jeon Heejin.”

“No way,” Chuu turns to me, a big teasing smile on her face, “Hey the laundry underwear girl is your partner.” She pauses when she sees me preparing to leave. She looks at me confused but I just smile at her and she knows already what I mean. I don’t try to register the look she tries to send me. I stand up to leave the class when I hear the girl’s voice again.

“Is Jeon Heejin not here?,” the girl- Hyunjin, looks at me confused before repeating my name, “Heejin.”

“Sorry, I have to go.” I rush to say, bowing at her and to Professor Jo. I hope they don’t get offended, it’s just that this is the first time he had initiated to surprise me. I feel giddy and everything feels right again. I can almost feel myself skipping like Chuu, my smile probably as wide as the ones she usually gives. My phone buzzes again before I can take ten steps away from the classroom. I pause trying to contain all my excitement before opening the message from him again.

**(Sorry, wrong message**

**Just ignore it)**

And just like that, the high fades. I feel my knees weaken and I lean to the wall and I am back again in trying to swallow all the pain begging to come out. Slow. Dull. Foolish. When you are all those three, you're often compared to a bear. I thought I just had too much love to offer. I thought I was prone to cry because I was deeply attached to him. I thought I just had to wait a little longer for him to love me just as much. A door opens and closes.

“Heejin,” someone says softly, and I didn't have to turn to know that it was the tall figure hovering to my right who said it. Although I can’t really see the person’s face properly because unshed tears are blurring my vision too much, I am sure that it was the girl from the laundry room again. “I figured you didn't like me as your partner so I asked the professor to switch.”

“No,” I answer strongly. Maybe if I had just been more commanding and confident I would have been interesting enough for him.

“Pardon me?” she asks softly, her voice confused and concerned. I wonder how I look like right now. I must be a sight with my red-rimmed eyes and a distant look of defeat. I don’t want to meet her eyes really because I feel like I’m going to cry if I see her looking at me with concern in her eyes. I don’t want to be more pathetic than I already am. I need to be in control right now. My eyes regaining a semblance of focus. A sudden need for something at all seizes me. A need that fuels me to want to be in control of this moment.

“I will do it,” I repeat stronger.

“You will do what?” she sounds more concerned. I look at her to smile and reassure her but I don’t think it made much difference. I don’t think I have been in control of a lot of things in my life.

“I will be your partner,” I answer before I feel myself slowly crumble inside out. I crouch on the floor, trying to hide the tears that have started flowing freely because of how she’s looking at me. She was looking at me clueless. She didn’t know what she did wrong. She doesn’t know what to do. And I wonder if maybe that was what I have looked like all along. And at this moment I realized I'm going to need to let go because I was the bear after all. Slow and dull in the face of a breakup.

_Hyunjin looks at Heejin looking down at her notes. She looks beautiful bathed by the light from the large __windows__. Her brown hair shining under the light. _ _The flowers behind her a beautiful blur to her whole being. _ _Her expression is warm and soft. The small mole in the__ side near her right eye is__ peeking adorably __out_ _of her hair. She looks beautiful with her small smile. __“When's the last time you cried in front of someone else?” Hyunjin smiles softly, her voice curious but not prying._

_"The last time I cried...” __Heejin pauses. Smiling to herself before looking down and biting her lip. She looks at Hyunjin straight__ in the eyes with a secretive amused smile on her lips. Her eyes laughing with a secret joke Hyunjin wants_ _to know. “_ _I don't remember. I've let it go.”_


	3. Was it Fate or an Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuu's smiling as brightly as the sun and that is all that could be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna have to apologize to you guys, I'm going to be late in updating (but only a few days off). I'm having my finals next week and my sched is pretty hectic because I have a lot of papers to pass. In a way, this is me procrastinating. lol

_Jinsol smiles at Chuu. She hugs her legs closer and with her Balenciaga cap on backward, she looks very playful at this moment. She smiles widely that her brown eyes almost disappear behind the crescents, laughter dancing in her voice she asks “Is there something you've dreamed of for a long time?”_

_“Yes,” Chuu answers with a wide smile of her own. Her eyes disappearing from the brightness of her smile. Her cuteness accentuated by her bubbly reply and overall softness. Her bangs framing her round face, her own laughter flowing easily through her voice, but she is seated in her seat almost too orderly for her jovial personality._

_“Is there a reason why you haven't done it until now?” Jinsol asks with seemingly genuine interest. Her body leaning forward with her legs unfolding from her grip before. Her eyes round with curiosity and her smile wide and welcoming. Everything about her is an eager invitation._

_Chuu seems to ponder before responding. A hint of thoughts and daydreams still unmet leaving with her reply, “I'm still waiting for it.”_

  
_(Dating Survival Guide)_

**Kim Jiwoo**

Life for me has been a series of waiting. It has been a series of changes. A series of being dynamic and yet being static altogether. The idea of love is what draws me in. It gives me hope for something that can give me a chance to gaze into perfection. A gaze into something hopeful and something that should be attainable. Life is a series of watching and waiting for love as I envision it to be. Maybe that is the reason why when I revisit some of my memories it can become better than what they really were.

_Jinsol opens the door for me and my gaze travels from her long arms, and it draws me in with the promises of warm hugs, to her pretty face. She was smiling at me. Her eyes are inviting, warm, playful and comforting. She was a picture of a genial princess charming. My eyes fall to her lips. Her full set of pink lips. Partly opened that seems beckoning. My ears had become deaf to everything but the storm inside my chest. My heart was beating almost thunderous in its place. I can feel myself draw closer to her, or maybe she’s the one leaning to me, an irresistible pull guiding us to my first kiss dream scenario._  
  
“But then I sneezed so I had to play it off and dash inside. I think it’s okay anyway because I'm kind of hoping for a fateful love seen in movies or TV shows. I'm waiting for that kind of love,” I relay to Heejin with a shrug, happily eating fried chicken again with her. I’m hoping this would become a weekly thing. I love celebrating all the nice things in life, as little as they may be.

“She looked like a kind person. Wasn't she just being nice?” Heejin asks as every other person does. It’s a common-sense kind of question. It’s one I don’t inherently follow.

“Hey, would you hold a door open and see someone off just to be nice to a total stranger?” I answer back hotly with just the amount of bravado to back me up, “This wasn't just kindness or being polite. I totally caught her eye.”

“And she wasn't just making idle talk because she didn't want to go in?” Her face scrunched-up in skepticism. She has stopped eating to give me tissue again, her eyes narrowing on the way that I eat rather noisily. And I also don’t follow social norms because I look adorable. It's obvious that Heejin would let my habit slide with hos she had just sighed in resignation. I accept the tissue with a pout.

“No!” I huff at her while wiping the side of my lips, “Oh, and she called me cute the moment she saw me.”

“Since when did you become one with a key ring? You said she called your key ring cute and not you. She asked you where you bought it,” she's almost laughing with how she replied. As if my pursuit of love is an amusing matter which it very much isn’t. I’m very serious about this. I’m trying to find the perfect person.

“Same thing!” I shrug, waving my unfinished chicken leg up the air, “That's not all, you think I'd act like this over just that?”

I lean closer to her, whispering like I’m sharing a very important secret, “I was waiting outside the Math club-room. I was sneaking around trying to scout any vacancy for membership in the club-”

_(The club door opened, a smiling Jinsol stopped in recognition of Chuu, a fond look crosses her features, before greeting Chuu with her usual cheer, “Hey, Chuu!”_

_“Oh, hi!” Chuu replied just as cheerfully._

_“Who are you trying so hard to see?” Jinsol had asked with interest, her intrigue written on her face. She stepped towards Chuu closer. The movement had caused Chuu's eyes to travel away from Jinsol's pretty pink lips, Chuu had always thought about how unfair the perfect their height difference is, to the brown eyes of Jinsol framed prettily by round glasses._

_“Oh, just curious about that club over there,” Chuu said almost in a daze. Jinsol looks very pretty.)_

“Don't look at me like that!” I huff at Heejin. She’s looking at me with more skepticism than what Gowon would usually display. And that’s saying something because Gowon is the one who usually chides me in my usual pursuit of happiness. I miss that baby. She’s dyed her hair blonde now. She used to be a baby that had always loved following me around.

“You-” she gasps with a look of increasing accuse, she continues with the cheekiest words I’ve ever heard directed at me, “You weren't loitering in front of the pretty club leader on purpose?”

“No!” I pout harder, my thoughts of visiting Gowon interrupted, “I totally went because I was interested in the club! Genuine curiosity! Anyway, that's not what's important. Jinsol was wearing glasses. And what's shocking is that it had no lenses.”

“Shocking because?” she asks with that same skepticism. She looks at everything romance and sees a question in it. That guy did a number on her confidence. It's such a shame. I would love to deck that guy someday.

“Don't you remember?” I smile brighter for her, almost vibrating from excitement, “I said people with glasses were my type during introductions, remember?”

“Well, even Professor Jo wears glasses without lenses. It's like a fashion statement nowadays,” Heejin replies with a shrug, her eyes narrowed cheekily directed at me with a teasing smile. Maybe she had learned to become a brat now too. I would really deck that guy someday.

“So to test her, I told her that glasses really suit her.” I continue, ignoring her absolutely scandalous response, “And you know what she says? She said they had no lenses and she laughed while poking a finger through them! She's so cute! I think it's already undeniable! She's fallen for me!”

**Jeon Heejin**

“Hey! Jeon Heejin,” Chuu whisper shouts in her bed. I groan and turn to her. It’s late and we have an activity to be done for the dating class tomorrow. We’ve settled for the night after eating, washing-up for the night, and I am cocooned comfortably in my bed, snuggled perfectly with my stitch blanket, but apparently, Chuu’s not tired yet. “Then how about this?”

I’m not sure how she’s still energetic this late. We’ve been going on and on about Jinsol for the whole night now. I try to squint for her silhouette, the bedside lamp is on but my eyesight is pretty terrible, she’s squirming in her bed and I sigh. I’m sure this wouldn’t be over if I don’t let her squeal about Jinsol. I see Chuu do something like a wiggle and she hugs her pillow before beginning, “So remember my friend Gowon-”

  
  
_(A newly blonde Gowon, most commonly known as Chaewon, is currently doing that thing where she raises her eyebrow in a very intimidating judgy way, “What?”_  
  
_Chuu motioned for Gowon to come closer so she could show her a picture of Jinsol on her phone. Gowon had looked at Chuu with both of her eyebrows furrowed and Chuu pouted at her harder. Gowon sighed before scooting closer. It’s gotten harder for Chuu to get a hold of Gowon now. She’s too busy working in a cafe. She took a gap year after high school because her parents are pestering her to study business. She likes to say that she doesn’t want to inherit her family’s business but Chuu had been sure that she just wanted to assert dominance in her choices in life. She’s a lot like her lawyer mother, she looks meek and timid, but she’s secretly the most headstrong girl Chuu has ever met. Chuu had always thought that Gowon had inherited her father’s soft features but everything else about her is like her mother. Gowon looks like a very pretty delicate princess._

_“Hmm, from the dance team? No, isn't this the girl from the convenience store?” Gowon squints at the picture harder, “No, the convenience store girl’s the same age-”_

_“This is the first time I'm telling you about her, but this person is seriously good-looking,” Chuu nudges Gowon with her shoulders. Gowon had looked at Chuu blankly and her reply had only been a brighter smile. Chuu's already aware that Gowon's probably exasperated with her tendency to fall easily, but she's also aware that Gowon will laugh at her, and then proceed to help her when the time comes. That had always been their dynamic ever since boarding school._

_“Wait, so this is a new person again?” Gowon shakes her head at Chuu in exasperation, and Chuu wondered then if she'd been too lax with how she handles her juniors. “You've told me about so many people. I'm getting confused. This is crazy. Stop falling head over heels for every other pretty person you see.”_

_“Yes, ma'am,” Chuu replied in salute at her, and Gowon had glared at Chuu so she just giggled and draped her arm over Gowon's shoulder. It had been funny for Chuu how _ _Gowon was quick to shrug her arm off her little frame before scooting far from her. She had pouted then before smiling but she had been thinking about how Gowon used to love it when she would hold her hand. The little butterfly princess has grown up to become an unruly sassy princess. It made her wonder if that was what parents felt like when their child grows up too fast. _ _“Oh my, the little baby is embarrassed by me already. I used to babysit you when we were younger you know!”_

_Gowon huffed, crossing her hands as she raises one eyebrow, it reminds Chuu of a very commanding princess character from a show she used to watch as a little child. Gowon's soft voice was made hard by her expression, “One, you’re only three years older than me. And two, what do you want to drink? I have work after this.”_

_“Strawberry smoothie for me,” Chuu had decided to concede, her cheekiness had been reserved for gushing about Jinsol that day. “But for real though, she looks exactly like this pretty celebrity when she smiles. She's like Artemis, I'm telling you.”_

_Gowon was about to stand up to order for both of them when they heard Jinsol’s voice behind. Something that almost made Chuu jump out of her seat from surprise, “Hey, Chuu.” Chuu turned as fast as she could that she's sure she heard a little creak, but she had thought then that it was worth it for the very pretty blonde with round glasses and hoodies blessing her eyes. “We meet again.”)_

“She bought me coffee, and for Gowon too, but you know what else?” Chuu squeals louder and I turn to the side opposite her.

“What?” I groan out.

“‘A strawberry smoothie for you?’ That's what she said! You know I've brought a strawberry smoothie to every class. Those looks, and thoughtful too! Tell me Heejin, is this real?” she pauses and raises her voice, “Hey! You listening?”

“I'm sleepy...” I slur out. My eyelids are too heavy and my mind feels too tired to form words.

“I mean, with the number of people that go to our college? The fact that we ended up meeting twice by pure chance can be argued that this is already a fated encounter. 100% fate, I'm telling you. 100%. I love it! But if I end up going out with Jinsol, maybe I should consider dropping the class, huh? It wouldn't be polite to the other partners.”

“It's just a class,” I manage to let out before the darkness swallows me wholly and Chuu’s squirming and squealing becomes blurred with my dreams.

  
The next morning, I awaken to Chuu already rummaging around the room. She’s in the process of putting on her cute earrings. She’s dressed in her pink cherry sweatshirt and light blue jeans, I remember her saying something about just going out for a picnic for their date in the park. I get up, putting my glasses on to wash my face. I return to my bed with Chuu still packing her purse. 

“What about that other guy?” I ask, suddenly remembering when she told me about some guy before. I think he was pretty handsome. He was probably taller than Hyunjin and I thought he was quite nice.

“Guy? What other guy?” she mumbles out. She bends a knee, trying to tie into a knot the laces of her converse. She licks her lips and her brows furrow with focus.

“The one you said you were getting along with on your major? The ice cream guy. He even confessed.” I say, watching how she huffs in frustration before she sits on her bed to continue tying her shoelaces. Does she even know how to do it?

“Oh, didn't I say? That relationship was over before it could even begin,” she replies nonchalantly before letting out a satisfied sound. She continues to the other shoe. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so intense in tying shoelaces.

“Really?” I gently ask, trying to gauge if she’s sad about what happened, but she remains nonplussed. “What happened?”

“His laughter was totally grating. Sounded like an old lady or something,” she stands trying to smooth over her outfit, I frown squinting harder through my glasses if she’s really fine, “And his style wasn't that great. Anyways, I'll be going now! Have a nice date with the underwear girl from chemistry.”

“Date?” I startle out of my concern for her, “Please. It's just homework for me. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was, I was so out of it that day. What was it?”

“The 10,000 step date! Didn't she say she'd plan everything? Wear something nice, okay?” she smiles brightly at me, and I wonder if it really is just that easy to let go. “This generous goddess shall even allow you to borrow her new heels. Have a nice date. I'm going!”  
  
I chuckle at her. Waving her off before I turn to flop on my back. Chuu is different from me in a lot of ways. She’s popular with people and she’s really just an all-around good company. Her teasing can be too much to bear sometimes, but I can just laugh at all my problems with her. She’s so easy-going, smart, pretty and the literal definition of sunshine. Maybe I can stand to learn from her. I look at the heels she told me she’d let me borrow and I wonder if maybe today’s a good day to start letting go.

I wait for Hyunjin to arrive. I like myself today. I styled my hair prettily and the dress I’m wearing suits the heels Chuu lent me. The sun’s up and the coat I chose is a welcome warmth from the chilly air. I’m smiling to myself when Hyunjin’s shadow falls on me. She’s standing in front of me in a vest. A vest with pockets that has water and who knows what else. She has one of those wide-brimmed explorer hats, her hair up on a bun, and she extends her hand with something inside a plastic towards me. She looks prepared for a hike. 10,000 steps became literal steps.

  
She smiles at me politely. She isn’t looking at what I’m wearing and somehow I know that it's out of politeness. She gestures behind where she came from. “I've found a nice path circling the college. No uphill parts, and we'll be able to walk as much as we want until lunch.”

“Ah,” I look at her shoes and see what she’s wearing, practical boots. She really came prepared. “Thank you, you really got prepared for this walk.”

“Yes. The professor no doubt worked hard on putting it on our curriculum, and I thought that while walking together, we could find out about each other's appeal. There is published research about how doing the same thing with someone increases goodwill for each other,” she says all this while tinkering on something. I think it’s a step counter.

“Sorry, but I'll need to change shoes,” I say with a small smile. I guess nothing will be going my way today.

“Sure.” At least I’m paired with the most polite person.

_(“What great weather!” Jinsol shouts through her laughter. Her laughter was being carried by the wind as her blonde hair flows beautifully on her back, their pace fast but comfortable._

_“I know, right,” Chuu shouts back, stopping in her pedaling to squeal in delight when they encounter a small dip in the road. She laughs with Jinsol and she wonders if this day could get any better._

_“Are you even pedaling?” Jinsol laughs but she pedals faster for the both of them, her fondness flowing through her voice, “You'll get nowhere near 10,000 at that pace.”_

_They stop at a park. Chuu had remarked about how nice it would be to go on a picnic and Jinsol had been quick to agree. Jinsol had said that she'd plan the date. Chuu had wanted to shout how she's falling even harder for Jinsol when she picked her up for their date. The weather had been perfectly warm, riding twin bicycles had been as fun as she had thought, and watching the trees especially now they had started to change colors for autumn is actually romantic, everything's perfect. They settled for a spot where a large tree can shade them if the sun would grow hotter, Jinsol had placed their picnic basket in the soft ground covered in green grass and had been the one to insist to spread their blanket. When Jinsol finishes in spreading the blanket, Chuu gives her the Tupperware with the chicken they ordered before renting the twin bike. Jinsol accepts it and places it delicately. They proceed like this in settling all of the food that they have bought. Chuu had been smiling too much she felt like she'd melt by the time that they're finished with their date._

_Chuu settles down comfortably on the blanket, purse on her lap, she flashes a smile at Jinsol.“Here,” Jinsol offers her the can of beer she just opened. Chuu smiles at her gratefully, and she offers a toast after Jinsol’s done opening hers._

_“Cheers.”_   
_ “Cheers.”_

_They laugh in unison. Chuu feels light at this moment a sense of satisfaction filling her. Jinsol has been attentive and kind the whole time they’ve spent together. Her earlier conclusion about Jinsol being the perfect princess charming is becoming more real in their every interaction. _ _“It's my first time picnicking at Hangang. I'm so moved,” she makes sure to emphasize her last words as if to convey a message that they should both understand, “I love it.”_

_“Really? That's surprising,” Jinsol smiles at her, her head tilting to the side reminiscent of their first meeting. “You haven't come here with your friends?”_

_“I saved my first time to come with someone special,” Chuu replies shyly, looking down to try and stop herself from gushing about how perfect Jinsol has been for her first experience, “I totally wanted to try a twin bike too.”_

_“I'll show you how to ride a bike next time,” Jinsol beams at her, opening the Tupperware for chicken before passing it to Chuu, and she feels almost like she’s going to burst from all the attention she’s receiving from Jinsol._

_“Next time? I think I prefer the twin bike more,” Chuu giggles, already taking a bite from the fried chicken leg._

_“I'm sure you do,” Jinsol chuckles at Chuu, her voice becoming teasing, “My calves won't tomorrow though.”)_

  
“Do you exercise regularly?” Hyunjin asks, trying to slow down as much as she could so I can catch-up. My sides are hurting and I’m glad I changed to a more appropriate attire because I’ll die trying to catch-up with Hyunjin. I can tell that she has been holding back but her legs are longer than mine. She’s only a few inches taller than me and yet she has longer legs. My feet hurt and the blisters from that day sting harder. This wasn't the day I thought it would be.  
  
“No, I don't like exercising. I only force myself to do so when I’m dieting,” I try to huff out a response, I’m breathing too hard. Hyunjin pauses to let me catch-up again. She has been looking at me worriedly ever since we started walking.

“Dieting?” she resumes our walk once she sees that I have been able to catch my breath a little, and she’s also considerably slower than before. “Did you know over 36% of women have some degree of body dysmorphia?"

I shake my head no. Hyunjin had been communicating with me in published researches the whole time that we have been walking. I'm starting to wonder if she even knows how to communicate without facts to back her up.

"Do you want to get some shaved ice?" she asks suddenly, and when I turned to look at her it's almost like she had been deliberating to ask the question for some time, it catches me off guard how she seemed worried with how I would reply. "The restaurant we'll have dinner at is only a little farther. I don't think it counts since it's dessert. I'll buy.”

“No, thanks,” I think this is her nice way of rewarding me for the hike or her polite way of telling me to eat more. “I don't particularly like shaved-”

“It's because I want some,” she replies quickly, it almost seems like she's afraid to offend me. I couldn't think of a reply so I just smile at her in response. When we turn to a corner I see the establishments and I could almost feel my whole body heave a sigh of relief. I look at my own step counter and see that there are a few hundred steps more necessary to cover. I huff and look at her before jogging in place, I can see her amused at what I’m doing.

  
“Let's go!” she’s already caught on to the fact that I’m trying to cheat so I just smiled at her before jogging ahead. It didn’t even take her long to catch-up to me. I guess she really has been holding back the whole time.

  
Inside the cafe we settled on the first vacant table we see, she leaves to order for the both of us, but when I tried to look around I felt panic swell inside me. I got up as quietly as I could, moving to a seat nearer the exit. A seat farther from the people causing me anxiety but a seat where Hyunjin can still see me.

“You said anything's fine, so I ordered the most popular items on the menu,” she says the moment she sees me in my seat, before pausing as her brows scrunched up confused, “I noticed you moved seats?”

“That table there,” I try to point as discretely as possible to a group of seniors in Letterman jackets. “They are seniors who just returned to school after taking time off, and they keep telling me to send them my timetable but they're much older so I don't feel comfortable in doing so.”

“Timetable? Why do they want your timetable?” she asks softly with that same concerned face she always wears around me. She’s a very considerate person in a lot of strange ways. She looks really stiff because she’s too polite but she’s kind. She isn’t stuck-up like the way I thought she would be, she’s just not very good at being expressive. I can count on my one hand the number of times she had smiled at me.

“Oh, to schedule a meal together,” I say after I noticed how her brow had started to furrow again. It’s easy getting lost observing her face. “An opportunity to get to know the seniors over a meal. You get to seek their advice on school life.”

  
“Why do you have to ask the seniors to buy a meal? Seems like it'd just be a strain on both parties. I'm sure you'd be able to meet the right people in a different way,” she says this with her usual genuine straightforwardness like it should have been an obvious thing. Like it’s how it should have been from the start that I’m taken aback. She’s a very pragmatic person. She smiles at me and I look at how her brown eyes are unwavering in my stare.

“Oh, yes. You're right.” I smile. I don’t know her that much yet but I can feel how she’s steadfast on her beliefs. Sincere and honest. It’s refreshing to meet people like her.

Our number’s called in the counter and before I could even react she’s off her seat. “I'll go.” It’s also fascinating how she can make standing look fluid, especially given how fast she was, and I watched her take our tray before returning to our seat.

“That's a lot,” I say the moment she places the tray on the table. The tray almost had no space left.

“You seemed hungry,” she replies, smiling at me before placing the cake slices I told her to order for me to my side of the table. That was the fourth smile. “Dig in.”

“Thank you.” I smile softly looking at what she ordered for herself. My smile falters and I try to push back the feeling of sadness that's rising.

“Dinner's on me, alright?” she mutters, mixing her order, before looking up at me and her smile disappears the moment she sees my face, “Is there something wrong?”

“It's just that I don't like rice cake,” I reply softly.

  
** “I love shaved ice rice cake,” Heejin said after taking a bite from his spoon. He laughed, resting his head on her shoulder. He burrows his head on her neck.**

**“Me too,” he whispered, his breath warms her neck and she shivers, “Shaved ice rice cake with you, that is.”**

**She blushes, pushing him playfully before settling closer to him. He scoops a spoonful of the shaved ice and she takes a bite, “Tasty?”**

**“Yeah.” She smiles up at him.**

“You must really hate rice cake,” I hear Hyunjin say and I wonder if my eyes are wet again.

_(“1, 2, 3.” Jinsol hugs Chuu closer and Chuu smiles even brighter than she has in the whole day._

_“You like polaroids?” Jinsol asks, trying to blow on the polaroid to dry faster._

_“A little?” Chuu replies, trying to peek if the polaroid’s ready, but mostly so she has an excuse to be closer to Jinsol._

_“I think it came out well,” Jinsol says, presenting the polaroid with a wide smile. “Pretty. It's yours.”_

_“Thanks.” Chuu accepts the polaroid, looking at the two of them together in the polaroid, "It is pretty." _ _J_ _insol looks good even in photos. She’s really perfect in a lot of ways. “Jinsol. Do you have anyone you like?”_

_“Yeah, I do,” she answers without much fuss, her smile still wide._

_“Who?” Chuu almost pounces on Jinsol in her excitement. She’s too giddy with this newfound knowledge._

_“You're asking who?” Jinsol asks with her head tilted to the side._

_“No, I mean,” Chuu backtracks a bit, trying to calm her racing mind and heart. “What kind. What kind of person?”_

_“She's super cute,” Jinsol replies with a chuckle, pinching Chuu's cheeks in amusement._

_“Cute?” Chuu parrots with intrigue. She’s almost vibrating with too much excitement. Almost prepared to squeal in happiness._

_“She looks tough on the outside, but she's super tender and cute," Jinsol says with fondness in her voice. She looks very taken with the girl she’s describing. "She appears cold, but unexpectedly, she likes cute characters. She's very pretty and a good person. But she's the only one who doesn't know it.” _

_“Then,” Chuu a little subdued now, mulling over the fact that those weren’t really descriptions used about her, “Are you going to tell her how you feel?_

_“Who knows.” and it’s the first time Chuu has seen Jinsol with a look that’s not directed at her. The first time she sees something that she doesn’t recognize so she smiles wider for Jinsol.)_

I clear my throat, Hyunjin pauses in eating. Her elbows settle on the table, her grip on her spoon loosening. “Are you worried about something?”

“Sorry?” I ask confused. I look at her, she leans closer looking at me intently, and I stop eating. I try to wipe the edges of my eyes, trying to see if I have unshed tears that had made her pause in eating.  
  
She puts her spoon down, smiling at me softly before gesturing to her throat. “People worried or anxious about something, often cough to clear their throat like that.”

“Did I do that?” I touch my neck, bowing my head slightly, before smiling to reassure her, “I don't really have anything like that though.”

“That's defensive posturing to conceal the truth. Thus, saying you have nothing to be worried about is a lie,” she replies even more worried, her hands now splayed on the table between us. I sit straighter, trying to pull myself to my full height, I lean closer.

“You must have a lot of interest in psychology,” I say in lieu of answering her previous question.

“Yes, I've been reading a lot of psychology books recently,” she replies, leaning back as she smiles to reassure me that she wouldn’t be prying on that regard. She gestures to my eyes, “Also, you haven't been sleeping well lately?”

“How do you know that?” my hand travels back to my face. I feel my embarrassment rising, I have been feeling pretty much like a wreck. I have been having too many sleepless nights, partly because of school and the other part I don’t want to remember. Last night was pretty much the only night I was able to sleep because I was overtaken by physical exhaustion.

“Your eyes are bloodshot and your eyebags look dark.” I guess the bags under my eyes aren’t the only problem I needed to conceal. “Also your complexion isn't good.”

“Does my face look that bad?” I have been extra careful with how I look. Chuu has started fussing over me less, so I thought I have been doing well, but I guess that’s because school work has started to increase. Maybe last night was her way of checking up on me. Or not because she was gushing about Jinsol unnie the whole night.

“The face of today is made yesterday. The worries of the mind must be let go before going to bed each day in order to always maintain a bright face,” she says this softly but with a firmness that tells me, she had been telling these words to herself a lot. I look at her face, a face that has looked at me more with concern than any people had in all my life. I have been always good at being strong. I had been strong in the face of my parents’ possible divorce. I had been strong when he had found me. I had to be strong. I had to look at the good days more if I wanted to be strong. I had to look for it. College has been a challenge that's intent on unraveling all my efforts on trying to be strong.

“If only it was so easy to let go of ill feelings,” I reply, trying to choke out any semblance of the strength that I had always been proud of.

“Can I tell you some solutions?” she leans closer to me, her hand moving before stopping midway, “Before going to bed, I always meditate to get rid of stray thoughts.”

“You're the only person I know who meditates.” I chuckle, humor had always been good to me, but she's unswayed with how I tried to deflect her concern, so I asked instead, “Is it effective?”

“Yes, in fact, meditating makes your left prefrontal lobe active, which in turn, converts a mood of melancholy to happiness, according to various research findings. Neural theta waves promote mental stability by removing negative thoughts from your brain.” She nods to me, offering me an answer that is grounded in facts more than I had expected, and I wonder if she ever tried thinking more with her heart. It’s fascinating and sad how the most concerned person I’ve met in my life is one ruled by logic. It’s so ironic that I chuckled in the absurdity of it all. “Ah, I see.” I smile hoping that it is enough for both of us.

(_After finishing their picnic, Chuu and Jinsol returned the twin bike and decided to continue their 10,000 steps date with a stroll. Jinsol had decided that she wanted to walk Chuu back to the dorms, she lives in an apartment outside the campus, but she insisted just to be safe. Jinsol remains the perfect gentlewoman. __The day just kept on getting better, fro Chuu their date had been as perfect as any date can be. They ate delicious food, they hadn’t taken just ten steps when they had encountered a cute golden retriever with the nicest owner because she let Chuu pet him, and perhaps she had gotten too busy petting the dog that she forgot she had been on a sidewalk. Chuu hadn't even noticed anything was wrong, not until Jinsol suddenly pulled her away from the passing bike. It was too startled, her face buried in the crook of Jinsol’s neck, the arms around her warm and welcomed as protection. Jinsol smells nice._  
  
_ “You're not hurt?” Jinsol asks after a moment that had lasted longer than the few seconds it probably was. Jinsol was looking at Chuu with so much concern that she had been struck with the realization that maybe all love stories should start like this. Start with fate intervening and make people realize a lot of things. Just like how fateful love is like an accident, unexpected and sudden. Chuu had thought that it was perfect, everything about it was wonderful if only people could tell whether it's real love or just an accident.)_

“We haven't completed it yet, so shall we go a little faster?” Hyunjin asks the moment we are outside the cafe. My whole body feels heavy but she’s already taken steps.

“Faster? You want to go faster?” I ask with some incredulity. I hadn’t eaten much but she did. I’m afraid that after this we’ll both have an upset stomach. I huff, trying to jog in place, I force myself to take a step forward. A mistake because my feet still hurts from before and I had gotten too exhausted that my feet gave out on me. Hyunjin was immediately beside me. She was scanning me for any injuries and I can feel my eyes sting with my scraped palms. She kneels down in front of me and takes my hand. Her forehead is creased in that concerned way again, her eyebrows furrowed as she gently holds me steady. She had been quick on assessing me for any injuries, she gestures to ask if I can stand. I try to take a small step, wincing in pain as my ankle twitches. I shake my head no and she nods. Before I can have time to process what the nod meant, she was already scooping me up from the ground with minimal effort. I yelped, clinging to her shoulders as much as I could. My whole face is hot and I almost wish that she had just left me on the sidewalk. She walks to a nearby bench, gentle as she places me down, before taking some mini first aid kid from her vest.

“You really don't need to,” I mutter, wincing when she starts cleaning my scrapes with some antiseptic. She was careful with my palms, my knees, and she had paused when she was looking at my feet. She had taken my shoes off, gentle in trying to take my socks off, especially with the small blots of blood from my ankles. My wounds from that day had reopened.

“Sorry,” she says as if it is her fault I’m a clumsy idiot. “But if not treated immediately, it'll just fester and get worse. “

“Fester and get worse…” I whisper the words, feeling the strangeness of the only truth that I have been experiencing. “That would suck.”

“All done,” she smiles at me softly, the fifth smile, bandaging the last little wound with a boring flesh-colored plaster. She really is a pragmatic person. “This should heal up soon.”

“Thank you so much,” I mutter, and I don’t know why but maybe it’s just that I needed more sleep so I asked her, “Tell me how to meditate next time?”  
  
“Will do,” she replies with a smile. It's sixth now. And I wonder how she would look like proud.

(_“10,000 steps done,” Jinsol says gleefully after checking her step tracker. Chuu beams at her. They have been silent for most of the walk back to the dorm, except for the occasional teasing remarks Jinsol sends to Chuu's way every now and then. The night had started to become chilly halfway back to the campus, Chuu's sweatshirt was not enough to chase the cold away so she had started rubbing her arms. Jinsol noticed. She had smiled before shrugging off her extra layer of coat. She was gentle in draping it on Chuu's shoulders. Chuu had looked up in surprise, smiling as Jinsol chuckles at her. Her coat smells nice._

_“Oh? The sculpture department hottie?” Chuu had exclaimed in an almost squeal of excitement, they were almost to the campus when she saw them. It’s quite hard to miss the two figures, they were hugging a few meters from the campus gates. She had guessed they finished their date today too. "Wow, they’re quite bold. Openly expressing affection like that." _

_When she had turned to look at Jinsol’s reaction, she was already walking away from her.)_

I came back to the dorms with Hyunjin carrying me on her back. It made me grateful how she had planned our 10,000 steps date around the campus which made her walk back to the dorms short, but it made me feel silly when she insisted on carrying me. I was sure I was heavy and my room was on the second floor. She continued our talk about meditation while carrying me, she didn't complain and somehow it made me feel at ease. Her voice was calming and her warmth was enough to ward off the chill from the night. She was steady and I could feel her voice travel to me as she speaks, it's a steady rumble of back and forth.

Thankfully I was able to convince her to let me down before she could decide to even enter my room. Hyunjin was hesitant to leave me but the light from the room means Chuu was already back and it was enough to reassure her. My feet didn't sting as much when I used it to take a step, Hyunjin sighed in relief and she smiled at me again. I wonder if she was smiling when she was carrying me. I don't how many smiles it is now. She bowed goodbye to me, waving even as she walked away back to her room, it was surprising but I bowed and smiled as I waved back. I watched her turn a corner before I inhaled deeply, trying to build my mental fortitude against the onslaught of questions that I'm sure Chuu would throw at me, but Chuu was silent on her bed when I opened the door. It was a surprising sight to see a contemplative Chuu. Her brows scrunched-up confused, her hair in that cute bun she usually wears when she’s trying to study for an exam, but I don’t see any of her notes cluttering the floor. She greets me with her usual cheer but there is something different about her today. It makes me worried.

“Heejin! I look totally tough, right?” she asks with a wide smile, but there's something about her voice that tells me that she’s already doubtful of the question, and it makes me wonder why she even asked.

“Tough? You look pretty far from tough. Why do you ask?” I mumble after dropping my shoes on our shoe rack, flopping to my bed in exhaustion.

“What about me liking cute characters like this? Totally unexpected, right?” she says, squishing her plushie. This might be something about Jinsol.

“No? More like 100% expected,” I reply just so she could stop her pursuit of Jinsol unnie if she already likes someone else.

“Darn it,” she huffs, pouting at a couple of polaroids that she must have been holding the whole time she had been asking me silly questions.  
  
“Did your date go well?” I ask concerned.

“We had tons of fun, but,” she starts softly before ending in exasperation, which is weird considering she has always been a confident girl, “Ah, I don't know." She leans on the wall, her eyes finally look at me as I turn to my sides. "Did you come back from exercising?” she asks playfully. Poking fun in my hoodie attire and the fact that I’m not even wearing the heels she lent me.

“Date or exercise, I don't even know what to call it,” I grumble in exhaustion. Ultimately, I would be sleeping after those words if I didn't smell like sweat and felt like grime. I really need to shower.

**Kim Jiwoo**

“Oh, Jinsol!” I yelled in greeting, but the sight before me made me almost falter in my steps. I paused in my steps from the doorway, carefully watching how Jinsol has been sneaking glances at the couple from last night. It makes me wonder how I hadn't even noticed before.

“Are you a kid?” I can hear Olivia’s voice mock Jungeun and they shared a heated exchange of glares. Jinsol shifts again. The girl that had always been behind where Jinsol sits. The girl with the handbag that I had wanted the first time she saw it. It had cute cartoon stickers on it. I wonder why I missed it. Jungeun looks at Olivia Hye derisively and I look back at Jinsol, whose fists are clenched tightly with that same unreadable expression on her face from before. It is an expression with a storm covering the affection she had freely shown yesterday.

_“Aren't I just too quick to fall in love?” Chuu’s voice echoes the scene she had witnessed earlier, a soft longing but acceptance within her voice, “Well, that might be the case. But I'm a little different. Someone who falls in love quickly," Chuu pauses as if to gather herself, smiling even wider than before to JInsol," And then falls out of it just as quick." _

_Jinsol smiles in reply and Chuu wonders how she had missed it. She wonders when she had missed Jinsol's eyes always seeking someone when she enters a room. When she had missed Jinsol always looking off a distance as if she's remembering something with a soft smile. When she had missed Jinsol speaking in distraction. When she had missed the look of someone who is deeply in love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can leave comments about my writing if you guys want to. This is my first fic so I would benefit from any. And I'm also going to be asking for some prompts in the future for some chapters that will not be in the drama. I love the drama but there were a lot of side stories left unfinished. Thanks for reading people!!
> 
> Drop some cc so maybe I can have some communication with you guys. This is me plugging my twitter: @thatEngBitch


	4. The Language of Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big bright blue stars. Big bright dead lights. 
> 
> Jinsol smiles and a hole swallows her within.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I got so sick after my finals last week. Busy nights and that good college diet had me puking all the empty contents of my stomach. I'm still a little sick, but I feel a little better today. 
> 
> I promise I would edit any errors if you guys point it out to me. I don't really proof read because I'm kinda always busy.

_Chuu squirms in her seat, her lips are set in an unfaltering smile directed at Jinsol, but her eyes__ are a hidden world. She smiles and the world smiles at her. She laughs and the world laughs with her. She is a person of joy and it is a curious thing to think of her as someone otherwise. She knows this and maybe that’s a problem. She shakes her head and with a smile wider than before, she asks,_ _ “What if you had a crystal ball that could predict your future?”_

_ Jinsol chuckles and with a smile to match Chuu’s, she answers, “I'd choose not to ask anything.”_

(Dating Survival Guide)

**Jung Jinsol**

“Just thinking about campus life made me happy.” I look ahead of me with a smile threatening to strain my lips. It makes me wonder if it will be forever plastered on my face and the thought nips at something inside of me. “There were things I wanted to do like walking on a spring day, having lunch between classes, and taking a nap in the afternoon. All those little things would be done with Jungeun, making it more special.”

The thought of Jungeun brings me to days of pink that is fluttering, frozen and world-shattering. When I close my eyes and think of her, she takes me to days of warm embraces, smiles that had held me to the belief of a future, and she brings me to places that make me believe that I have gone crazy. It takes me to days of unhinged beliefs of forever. The cathartic unfaltering memory of a love that brings me to days that makes me think of her more than I should.

“You're taking this class together after you broke up?” Chuu snaps me back to the present.

“Chuu, keep it to yourself,” my voice is firm, the thought of her suffering because of some petty drama that can spread like wildfire, concerns me in a way like it always did when we were still together. “Don't tell anyone, especially people in that class. I don't want it to get to Jungeun. Okay?”

“Okay.” Chuu nods and I wonder when the last time I talked about Jungeun was. I guess seeing her embrace someone last week got to me more than I thought it did. Maybe I should stop telling myself that I’m okay when I still have trouble sleeping because I’m thinking of her. Chuu stops walking and I realize that we’re in the bus station already. I look down to inhale before I could look at her face again. The cold air fills my lungs and when I exhale I feel a little bit better. I smile.

“You're okay going back to the dorm by yourself?” I ask her but she only nods with the same smile that we have been sharing for the whole night, “You're not scared?”

“I'm fine. I am so totally fine.” Her voice sounds a little bit different than it usually does and I wonder if I have missed something, I always do even when I try to pay attention.

“What?” I ask confused.

“What?” she looks up in surprise, she smiles and I smile back at her. We could at least do this together in understanding. She shrugs at me before waving her hand as if to dismiss my concern, “Oh, it's nothing.”

“There's a cab,” I say before I signalled for the cab. It parked in front of us. She shrugs off my hoodie and before I can protest she smiles up at me. She hands me back my hoodie with that same smile she always gives me, but its muted. And I wonder if maybe I understand the language of smiles more than I could the spoken. I nod and I return her smile. We’re too similar. “Get home safely.”

As soon as the cab’s gone, I resume my walk back to my apartment. I shiver in the cold night’s air, the world has gone quiet and I wonder if anyone feels as alone as I do at this moment. I look up the sky and see nothing but an endless sea of greys and darkness that promises to swallow me if only it could fall on me. I smile at this thought before shrugging my hoodie back on, it smells of strawberries and maybe the smell of something so sweet brings me to thoughts of Jungeun.

_I woke up late. I had to wait for the water to warm. I had trouble trying to pick something for breakfast. Or maybe I should just be honest and accept that I have trouble trying to convince myself to go into this class. There’s a reason I’m taking this in my third year, as opposed to my plans of taking this in my first year. _

_ My steps echo in the halls, the sound of it reminds me of how late I really am. I pause in front of the door and I can already hear the Professor’s voice starting his introduction. I peek through the window and I feel all the air leave my lungs. My smile freezes, my throat feels raw, and I have to remind myself to breathe. _

_ It’s been so long since I have last seen her. She has dyed her hair back to brown. She has her attention to the professor. Her eyes are apprehensive, a usual show of her indifference surrounds her being, her lips set in a pout, her hands clasped in front of her and just the fact that she’s sitting there reminds me of how long it has been since she has gone away from my life. She looks prettier, more reserved than she used to be, and as if she felt my stare boring unto her, she looks up and I felt my smile widen reflexively. She looks caught off guard by my smile. She looks at me with eyes wide in surprise but she’s quick to gather herself. She gazes at me with one of her unreadable stares and I can feel all my longing for her rush back in the last ten months that I have not seen her. She purses her lips and before she can return to ignoring me, I look down the floor. I hear the soft footfalls of someone behind approaching me. The person pauses so I try to gather anything left of me as much as I could before I turn with a smile back on my face._

_ “I missed the timing to go in.”_

“When we want to say something important, we want to say it in person. Why is that?” Professor Jo pauses and my eyes glance sideways, as I have been doing more often than I would like to admit. Missing her feels different now. It feels like a very huge black inescapable hole inside of me swallowed me up with tantalizing pieces of her before it drowns me out with the truth that she doesn’t want me anymore.

“It's because we want to see their facial expressions and gestures. If it's over the phone, you can't see those things. That's why how you speak is very important. With this phone call assignment, we will practice speaking.” My mind feels muddled. Professor Jo’s voice sounds like its happening from somewhere else.

“Keep these two things in mind. Number 1, ask appropriate questions.” She moves a little closer to Olivia and I feel myself stiffen. “Number 2, relate to the other person. Jinsol, what did I just say?”

At the sound of my name, the Jungeun haze that has been overwhelming me snaps and I’m back to reality. I’m in a lecture by Professor Jo. He asked me something. “Well,” I look down trying to remember anything that I heard. Chuu signals for a question mark and I remember a part of the lecture that I heard before the reason why I stiffened. I nod at her gratefully before saying, “Ask appropriate questions.”

“And relate.” Chuu finishes enthusiastically.

“Thumbs up.” The class laughs with Professor Jo and Chuu ducks her head, embarrassed but still as cheery as she always is.

“Let's try practising with this phone call. After all, well begun is half done, before you begin, think about what kind of conversation you want to have. Okay?” The class prepares to leave. Although we’ve come a long way from the initial weirdness with how eccentric the professor is, and we all had started to enjoy the class, but we are still students eager to leave early. Professor Jo smiles, Jungeun moves to collect her things and I remain rooted to my seat before Chuu nudges me. Professor Jo says, “Good luck. Class is dismissed.”

The students say, “Thank you.” And the professor’s, “Good job, guys.” is lost among the students rushing to get out. Jungeun is one of the few who waits for others to get out. My eyes follow her and I wonder if I’ve gone crazy.

“Jinsol, hello?” My thoughts drift back to her, and my ears are muddled again. My gaze lingering on the classroom’s door, I hear a loud banging on the desk. “Knock, knock! Hello?”

“What?” I ask Chuu confused. She sighs at me with a look that’s both reprimanding me and understanding, stuffing her last notebook in her bag, she stands to leave.

“Let's talk on the phone later,” she says with pity, sympathetic in a way that I don’t want to understand.

“Phone?” my confusion deepens and Chuu signals to the board.

And I see the handwriting of Professor Jo in our recent lesson.

(Empathetic Expression Phone Call Practice)

“Oh,” I rub my forehead, feeling my frustration rise, I try to hide a grimace from the oncoming headache behind a smile. I turn to Chuu and say “Sorry, I'll call you.”

Chuu leaves with a soft smile, I feel my shoulders sag in relief. My eyes close and I know that if I don’t stand to leave this classroom I will fall asleep. I sigh, stuffing my notebook inside my bag, I stand-up to leave. I’m the last person to leave and this is my class for this day. Looking around the classroom, my eyes linger on Jungeun’s seat. I feel cold.

I pull my backpack’s straps, letting my head fall back, I begin my walk back to my apartment. My mind wanders back to Jungeun. Everything about me nowadays leads back to her. Everything about me seems stuck on that day. It was on that day when my future became uncertain.

_ **“How can I do another year?”Jungeun groans, she had drunk **__**more than she usually does. I’ve never seen her this distressed. Her hair is dishevelled, her lipstick was smudged and faded, she’s wearing her glasses and she has been looking at me strangely the whole night. She’s one of the smartest students in our school so I never really understood the reason why she failed her college entrance exams. Maybe I should have started noticing these little details but I didn’t because I thought she was just sad. I thought she just needed to vent.** _

_ **I remember going over to her side across the table to console her. I remember holding her**__** hand and stroking her back,** _ _ ** thinking that she needed my comfort more than my questions. I remember thinking that she needed me to protect her**__** from some of**__** her burdens. I remember her stiffen from my hand holding hers but thinking nothing of it because she never was one for public displays of affection. I thought she needed it. I thought she needed me.** _

_ ** “Want to do it with me?” she would laugh at me when I say these kinds of things, “I'll join you. I'll do it too.”** _

_ ** “Are you crazy?” T**_ _ **hat night she** _ _** looked at me as if I was crazy. She looked at me before she removed her hand off mine, proceeding to take another shot, she groans, “Whatever.”** _

_ **I was so oblivious that**_ _** she had to tell me what she really felt. It was then when I realized she might not feel the same way about us. I was stupid. ** _

“_**Jungeun, congrats on starting college,” I say as I lay the cake I bought for her. I smile for her as much as I usually do. We haven’t seen each other the following months because she said she’s busy reviewing for college exams. This was the only night she agreed to meet with me after turning down my offers to a meet-up. She‘s always tired when I call her. I got busy with my first year so I didn’t think much of it. **_

“_**Jinsol**__**, let's end it here.” That was the first thing she said to me.**_

“_**What?” My face must have frozen with my stupid oblivious smile. My time froze at that moment. It was the moment in my life that I would visit more than the happy memories I spent with her. It was the moment I understood just how oblivious I really am. “What are you talking about, Jungeun?”**_

“_**I'm off.” She stood up to leave and everything became muddled but her. She was everything that I can see and I was so afraid because my eyes started to tear-up and even then she was beginning to distort. She always scolded me for crying easily but she was always smiling during those times. She looked different that night. She didn’t care I was about to cry.**_

“_**What's the matter?” She looked at me with that look of resolution. She looked at me and I felt my desperation rise. With my shaking hands, I tried to grab a hold her to make her stay a little longer in this moment with me. “Talk to me.”**_

“_**I want to break up with you. I think it's better that way.” She believes those words and I feel my heart stop with that moment. She was all the promise that I have spoken to the world. She was the future that I always saw and I felt all of that swallowed by a hole that I didn’t even know she had dug inside of me. She was looking at me with the same detachment she always gives to other people. My eyes blur more but tears did not fall. She was tearing me up inside first.**_

“_**Why?” my voice sounded shaky, my smile feels weird in my face. **__**As if my stupid brain was still waiting for her to tell me that it was all just a joke. “**__**Why do you say that out of the blue?”**_

“_**It's not out of the blue.” she sighs, she shrugs off my hands off her coat. She looks at me and I thought I saw pity in her eyes. Maybe she realized just how much of a fool I was that I didn’t even notice she had been planning to break-up with me.**_

“_**Then since when?” I shake my head. I refuse to believe it was just that easy for her. “What's the reason?”**_

_ **She looks at me, as if trying to look for something behind my misty eyes that had always been looking at her, through my smile that had faltered for the first time ever since I knew her, into my whole being ** _ _ **tearing** _ _ ** a hole that I didn’t know yet, and the person breaking in front of her. She was looking at me and I didn’t understand what she saw but she decided my fate that night.** _

“_**You would never understand what I have gone through.” She leaves after saying those words. Those words will always haunt me. It was those words that made me realize just how oblivious I really am.**_

“Jungeun, the guys are buying us drinks.” I hear those words and I stop in my tracks. A few steps ahead of me, I see Jungeun stop in front of a table with three girls, all probably her classmates in some other subjects. My hold on the straps of my bag tighten, my ears strain to listen more, “Hyeon-woo, the hot senior, is coming too. Join us.”

“I have plans,” she says with her polished polite voice, with an irritation bubbling underneath, but they couldn’t hear it because she had always been good at hiding that part of her. “Bye.”

The sound of her heels clicking walks away and she’s not even far before the girl who had invited her turned to the girl next to her. “Gosh, she always says that. Acting busy all the time.”

“She's probably off to see that man.” They huddle closer together. Their hands gesturing wildly.

“He picked her up in a luxury sedan last time.”

“Oh my gosh. Is he her sponsor or something?" She laughs in derision, her friend joining in and they look like they know they’re above Jungeun.

“Does he pay her to sleep with him?” They look like they know what they’re talking about.

It has always been these kinds of rumours that had circulated during high school. It had always been these kinds of things that made me believe that people can be cruel in the most malicious ways. They whisper and they mock but they just do it for fun. It's like they’re making a habit of ruining other people’s lives. They don’t do it in secret. They don’t do it where you can defend yourself. They always do it to know more about you but never really _you._ They do it just because they’re bored and it hurts me because nobody has the power to stop rumours. With these thoughts in my mind, my steps become longer, and before I know it, I’m in front of them.

“Excuse me.” They look at me confused and I’m sure that I look irritated. Jungeun has always been the only person that brings out this strong kind of protectiveness out of me. “Do you not realize you're in front of the library? Keep it down.”

“Oh, sure…” I’m not even out of earshot yet and they’re already continuing their gossiping. “But he surely didn't look like her dad. Is it true then?”

"No way.” Even from a distance their laughter is loud. 

I let the few murmurs fade, I have always never had the power to stop any of them. I always try but I’m never enough. I learned about the repercussions of trying in the hardest way so I had nothing left but to always be there for her. I had the right even as a stranger to comfort her before we got together but now I’m just someone that she used to know. Looking at her feels like I’m doing some crime, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t but I can’t stop myself.

By the time I’m around the corner, I see Jungeun waiting in front of the elevator. My fingers itch with the need to text her. There are a lot of things that I still want to know about her. There are a lot of things that I want to help her feel. I wanted to be the one always there for her. My fingers hover on my phone’s screen. I type out:

**How is school? It must be hard to adapt, but I know you'll do well anywhere. Don't skip any meals, okay? Let me know if you need anything.**

I clear my screen, I look back at her as she enters the elevator, I feel a need to rush to her, but I stop myself and decide to just take the stairs down. Jungeun doesn’t need me right now.

_Heejin places__ her hamper down, the swirling of her laundry starts, and it releases her from some sort of daze. She feels hot and sweaty. She’s nervous for a reason she doesn’t understand. She wants to frown but her lips curve in a smile. She looks up, her determination clear in her eyes, she says, with as much courage as she can muster,_ _“_Hyunjin,_ what do you usually do on weekends?”_

“_Oh, I see,” Hyunjjn pauses, she smiles and she couldn’t stop it from spreading.“I hear from you.” _

_Her laundry not yet finished, she readies to take her phone out of her pocket._

_Heejin and Hyunjin dial together, their phones both in sync in their ringing in a busy dial and in ending the call in not being able to connect. They frown, saying out loud alone in a laundry room, “She must be busy.”_

_Heejin types in her phone, the earlier nervousness replaced by relief that she does not understand. _

_ **You're on the other line. I'll call you later… ** _

_She feels like laughing at her earlier nervousness but she disregards the thought because somehow she feels it would reveal something she isn’t ready for yet. She pockets her phone without sending the text. She looks around the laundry room. It’s the laundry room from the floor below. She figured nobody will use it in this hour and she couldn’t really bring her face back to the laundry on her floor so she opted for doing it a whole floor below. It’s one of the things that confuse her but she hides it away in the back of her mind. She doesn’t want to think of trouble where there is none. _

_Hyunjin rubs behind her neck, she feels disappointed. _ _She types in her phone:_

_ **Are you busy?** _

_She sighs, clearing the text before stuffing her phone back in her pocket. She would say later in her mind that she just wanted the assignment done. She would look at her room’s ceiling and wonder why she’s having troubles sleeping even after she had done her meditation. Ryujin would kick her bed and tell her to just sleep it off. She knows how the night would end but she’s scared by the thought of something that would happen just for an assignment._

_They would both look down their phone and wonder what the other is doing. They would finish their laundry and wait for something to happen because they are both too scared to do something._

_As soon as Heejin enters the room_ _, she sees Chuu in her bed. Chuu looks at Heejin before gesturing to her phone. Heejin nods, leaving her hamper by her bed, before taking a coat with her to ward off the cold. She decides to wait for Hyunjin’s call in the mini-park on the campus. The dorm’s guard greets her by the door and she nods with a smile at him. The night’s chilly, the sky is starless as it had always been in the city, and the trees sway with the light breeze. She rubs her shoulders and continues in her walk. _

_The sight that meets Hyunjin, __back from doing her_ _laundry, __is Ryujin __lounging on her bed while__ playing a very loud video game again. __She looks like the picture of utter comfort with her pink hair tied in a ponytail, already dressed for the night with her blue pajamas, and her pillows arranged to nestle her back. She’s made herself a cocoon with her blankets wrapped around her snugly. She’s just waiting for sleep to take her, or so Hyunjin would think if she hadn’t been rooming with Ryujin for weeks now. __Ryujin looks up from __her game__, gestures for the bread that Hyunjin bought __as__ a snack. __Hyunjin snorts, knowing that Ryujin’s efforts for getting ready for bed would be wasted if she eats one._

“_You did your assignment already?” Ryujin asks, setting her phone down, her hands already grabby with the paper bag. Hyunjin sighs, placing her hamper down beside her bed, she shakes her head. __She __l__eans_ _o__n her desk, taking one __croissant from the bag, she says, after chewing a mouthful, “I think she’s busy. I couldn’t connect earlier.”_

“_D__id you text her?” Ryujin asks, eyeing Hyunjin before the bread. Hyunjin shakes her head ‘no’. __R__yujin __gets up from the b__ed, shaking her head she looks at Hyunjin with the look that she always gets when she does something that is apparently dumb._

“_What are you doing here then?” she asks. __Hyunjin just shrugs, swallowing the last bite from her croissant. Hyunjin wonders if __she had her phone in silent, maybe Heejiin had already called her but she hadn’t heard. She starts drumming on the desk, thinking that maybe she had gone crazy in the few moments she had been alone in that laundry room, she shakes her head.__ Without much warning, __Ryujin snatches the paper bag off Hyunjin’s desk when she tried to look at her phone, and before Hyunjin can start scolding Ryujin for eating her bread, Ryujin ushers her back outside. “Don’t come back early, I’m going to finish late with my game.”_

_Hyunjin sighs, _ _she knows this is Ryujin’s way of trying to help her, but she’s still nervous. She decided to take a walk outside. Maybe some fresh air would do her some good. _

_Heejin sits on a bench in the mini-park, she had just taken a seat when her phone rings and she scrambles to search for it on her person. She almost drops it in her haste to swipe, her palms sweaty again, and her phone vibrating isn’t really helping. She’s able to answer on the seventh ring and she asks_ _, “What do you usually do on weekends?” The moment she had answered her phone. She wanted to smack her head on the bench._ _ She wonders when she became crazy. _

“_Well,” __Hyunjin sounds taken aback by the lack of greeting. Heejin sounds nervous and she smiles to herself. Hyunjin hadn’t made it far from the __dorm room, opting instead to go up and down on the stairs leading to the campus entrance__._ _She figured she would just run up and down the steps if she did something stupid. Hyunjin clears her throat before continuing, __“I clean my room, make my weekly schedule, or play soccer with my friends. Sometimes I go out and drink __with friends__. What about you?”_

“_I clean too and watch movies,” __Heejin says with a smile, she knows she would drown in nightmares about her initial mistake, but for now, she’s just glad Hyunjin didn’t comment on her awkwardness. F__eeling emboldened by a feeling that’s churning inside her stomach she decides to share something with Hyunjin. __“Oh, I sometimes go to photo exhibitions.”_

“_Photo exhibitions?” __Hyunjin leans in interest, the fact that Heejin isn’t even in front barely matters when she hears her voice. She sounds excited and Hyunjin wants to bask at the moment with Heejin._

“_Yes,” __Heejin smiles broadly, her cheeks almost hurting, and she feels light at this moment, “__I like taking photos and seeing them too.”_

“_Oh, I see,” __Hyunjin __responds softly, her intrigue deepening with how Heejin sounds. It’s different from how she usually talks with her._

“_There's an exhibition on Saul Leiter soon,” __Heejin almost jumps in excitement. She closes her eyes, and she __can almost see Hyunjin in front of her right now. She would be nodding, gesturing for her to continue, but her eyes would be different. It’s always different when they talk. They’re always dancing, burning, or filled with something that pulls Heejin in. _ _Heejin sighs and with it she says wistfully, __“I'm going to that one.”_

“_Sailor?” __Hyunjin asks confused.__ “Pardon?”_

“_Oh," __Heejin almost chuckles, she sees Hyunjin tilting her head closer in confusion, and she wonders if maybe soon she can take a picture of her. She giggles, opening her eyes, she says,__ “It's Saul Leiter. S-A-U-L L-E-I-T-E-R.”_

_Hyunjin puts her phone in speaker mode, listening to Heejin as she types __letter by letter, “__Saul Leiter…” __The screen shows a photo exhibition and she laughs. She puts her phone back_ _to caller mode and she laughs again as she says, “__Saul Lei-ter.”_

“_Yeah.” __Heejin laughs with Hyunjin and she wonders how Hyunjin looks in this moment. She had never heard her laugh before. She tries to picture Hyunjin in her mind but she fails, so she looks up to the stars, and just listens to her voice ringing like little bells through the phone._

“Jinsol, you told me not to tell anyone,” I hear Chuu move again in her bed and I wonder if she had already prepared for the night when I called, “But it's so obvious.”

“What?” I ask, turning to my side, I look at my digital alarm clock. I haven't dressed out of my clothes from earlier yet. I want to visit that place again.

“You stare at her the whole class.” Chuu sighs, moving again.

“Oh,” I say weakly before I turn to my back. I inhale deeply, trying to think back to the days that I can freely look at Jungeun. I can feel that hole widen again and it takes a little more of me. 

“What's on your mind as you look at her?” Chuu asks softly.

“Just a bunch of things.” I look up the ceiling, counting the little stars that I stuck in there before the beginning of the first term of freshman year. My hand reaches out to them. There are only twelve left now from the twenty it used to be. Twelve big blue stars. Twelve big blue stars that shine brightly and hotly. Twelve big blue stars that will die young just like the first eight. They would fall out of my sky and someone would just sweep them out of existence. I clench my fist, saying softly, “There were so many things I wanted to do with her here. I didn't even imagine breaking up with her.”

“I guess you really liked her," Chuu whispers and I wonder if she ever had stars of her own.

“I wonder what I did wrong.” I wonder if its the fact that nobody could see me, or if it’s any other fact, but my eyes sting and I couldn’t bring myself to smile, “I blamed myself for it. No matter how much I think about it, I have no clue what I did wrong. I thought I tried my best. Sometimes when I close my eyes and I would just see her, she would just look at me again with that blank look on her face.”

My voice trembles and I wonder when Jungeun was swept away from being the brightest star in my sky, “Why am I telling you this?” I smile now, letting a little bit of the dark hole release some of the things that it had decided long ago to keep, “I'm sorry, Chuu.”

“It's fine. You need to let it out like this.” Chuu releases a soft sigh and I wonder if she’s smiling now. We know what it means to smile, I just wonder what kind of star Chuu would keep, if she would ever hang one up her sky.

I look at my watch and sigh. It’s time. “I need to go now.”

“What?” she asks confused and a little worriedly, “Where are you going at this hour?”

I smile again, telling her, “I just need to go somewhere.”

The place looks different now. The walls have new decorations for the colder upcoming months. The walls are newly varnished, the lights shine a warm glow, the bar shelves are filled with new drinks, the menu updated to suit the colder nights, the little bookshelf filled with new books and almost full, and the whole place is shining in its homey aesthetic like a little cabin near the woods. The little restaurant has few costumers now. Some friends are enjoying the night with a little drink. A student looking out the window before continuing her work in her laptop, a steaming cup beside her.

“Here. Aren't you hungry?” Haseul says as she places a warm plate of food in my table. I smile at her. Her long her brown hair is tied up, her supposed uniform, an over-sized blue and black checkered shirt, looks a little rumpled from her long day, and her long elf-like features is still looking at me as worriedly as the day that we first met. She hasn’t changed and that’s the only comfort I could find today.

“You don't have to give me food.” I smile at her, I always come here to spend my Friday nights. I ask for my bill, paying for it so I can leave. She looks at me with that same worried look she had been giving me all night before she reaches for my money. She’s always been kind to everyone.

“You don't bring her anymore,” she says softly and I look down. I always came here to celebrate some of the times that I could have with Jungeun. We were here so much that Haseul started knowing us as more than just her schoolmates. I smile back up at her and I let that be my answer. Haseul nods and she leaves me to wallow. My beer has become room temperature and the condensation on the glass has started falling like little droplets.

I stand to leave, the door’s little bell sounding another customer grabs my attention, and I look up. Jungeun stands at the door's entrance with a smile that has frozen on her face. When she looks up she sees me. She’s surprised, stopping in her tracks to look at me for the first time since we last met here. I feel myself begin to smile, the bell rings again, and a taller figure stops next to Jungeun.

Now that I think about it, I really was clueless as to why she dated me and why she left me because when I think of Jungeun I always think of big bright blue stars and black holes. I always think of that night and wonder what I did wrong.

In this night, however, I feel a new truth grip me that I fear more than the one I had always thought to be the reason. Tonight I can say that the light that I have been seeing in my past have been dead longer than I have known. All I was seeing was a dead star and its light from before.

I can almost hear Chuu’s voice tonight with me, “Oh? The sculpture department hottie?” And maybe I fooled myself with the few moments that I first saw her enter that door again.

_Chuu looks at Jinsol intently, a soft smile plastered on her face. She knows_ _Jinsol doesn’t want to talk about it so she keeps her mouth shut. The understanding between them hangs in this balance, they know what each is thinking, their mask of similar colours_ _that hide as everybody does,__ but they choose to ignore it in favour of keeping pretences. It’s a lonelier kind of living, one__ Jinsol’s smile shows now. A shadow of disbelief, an odd reflection of the world in her eyes, a tear of something she masterfully hides; all of these are Jinsol, and Chuu understands with her smile._

_ “I'd choose not to ask anything,” Jinsol closes her eyes, a different smile forms on her face, it’s one of resignation and finality. It’s a feeling seeping from the cracks, “And_ _I don't want to know anymore.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter: @ThatEngBitch
> 
> I need some questions and you can ask me in my cc


	5. Misunderstandings in Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jungeun closes her eyes she wonders what it means to see that smile. When she's alone, she wonders why she hates the silence too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start introducing the other girls soon. Thanks for reading my first fic and being okay with my many errors, especially since I don't really have that much time to check.
> 
> Let's all wait for B#rn together!! Hopefully, it'll come sooner rather than later.

_ Olivia leans on her hand as support, her other hand_ _ rests on her bent knee, she looks up to Jungeun settling down from across the small table. She smirks, moving to drum her fingers on the table, she watches Jungeun as she sits, unexpectedly, hugging her legs close to herself, and with her chin resting atop her legs. She’s wearing a blue shirt, black jeans, her red coat draped on her shoulders, and with her brown hair flowing freely to frame her face, her brown eyes look soft with the way the room is lit. Jungeun looks gentle and that’s something unexpected for Olivia because she’s seen her outside this room. She looked indifferent but now she looks unexpectedly vulnerable._

_ “What’s the worst question you can ask someone?” Jungeun asks after __what __she felt __the_ _suffocating __oppressive silence settle between them. Olivia looked too lax and Jungeun became worried that her stare was boring through her. Jungeun shifts, her coat falling off her, she brings her legs down to cross in front of her. _

_ Olivia hums, as if in thought before she settles her _ _chin _ _to lay on the table, and says with her intense gaze looking as if to challenge, “Well, I can't think of any.”_

_ “I have one. Definitely the worst,” Jungeun _ _looks at Olivia with a look meant to convey her amusement, before continuing in a way that sounds as if daring her to deny,_ _ “You've been dumped a lot, haven't you?”_

_ “Nope,” Olivia smirks, but her eyes look distant,__ her voice sounds thick with something else trying _ _to remain in banter,__ “Not once because I've never had _ _someone like that_ _.”_

_ “What?” _ _Jungeun hears Olivia’s voice and she knows what it means, she smirks,_ _ “You've never dated anyone? Then again, _ _people_ _ don't like someone who misses the right timing.”_

_ “Then you must be really good at dating,” Olivia murmurs,_ _ looking at Jungeun again with that intense gaze. She looks at Jungeun and she sees that_ _ look pass on her face again. She wonders what thoughts she would hear if she can listen to them. _

_ “I don't step on eggshells as you do. I really hate people who easily misunderstand,” Jungeun answers, sounding bitter. She almost finds the words funny, but she stops herself from laughing because it’s tiring when you give something away. Olivia smirks from across her and she wonders if she would care. _

_They smirk at each other, both thinking of things that they would rather not._

(Dating Class)

_ **Kim Jungeun ** _

The night’s young, or so it would have been if it isn’t so hard trying to get anything out of Olivia, but this day had been nothing but oppressive silence trying to suffocate me and stilted conversations with no substance to it. This day’s supposed to be doing some dumb activity about dating class. We’ve walked around the campus for almost the whole day but Olivia has not even given me any answers that could be considered a sentence. She’s tight-lipped about almost everything and _I think_ she’s only capable of communicating through glares.

“Do you not want to go home?” I ask her after our fifth turn around the mini-park close to campus. She pauses in her steps, she turns to look at me, but now she isn’t wearing any of that glare that she has been previously using to communicate with me. She walks closer to me, a look of surprising amiability in her smile, before pausing to lean closer to me with her tall body.

“What?” I ask with a hint of nervousness in my voice, “Don't go overboard, I’m still your senior.”

“I'm not,” she whispers before moving farther, and I feel myself release my breath that I didn’t realize I have been holding. She smirks before continuing with her sudden mood change, “Am I making your heart flutter?”

“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice firmer now, and I wonder why I suddenly prefer the surly girl I had been walking with earlier. I was about to continue my spiel about boundaries when I see Olivia regress to her indifferent self. She stands back with her bad posture and her hands stuffed on her leather jacket, she’s quick to adapt her earlier almost teasing face to a blank smooth expressionless face, and she would almost amaze me with her quick mood swing if it wasn’t a little bit worrying.

“Unnie!” I hear someone’s voice from behind me and I smile despite myself. When I turn, I see Yeojin hurrying to greet me. She’s wearing her frog hoodie, holding a bag of snacks on her one hand while waving the other at me. She’s as bubbly as ever, running with the added bounce to her steps, and a smile as wide as I could always remember. She hugs me with that same smile, and I could almost remember how it felt during high school when she used to follow Haseul around the campus, always trying to check if her sister has made friends already after she got transferred back from studying abroad. She’s always been the sweetest little bean, but also the brattiest if my memory serves me right from the times she’s called me an old lady.

“Yeojin, where’s your sister?” I ask as she finishes our hug with a wide smile, “Are you walking alone? It’s already night.”

“I just bought some snacks and I’m already a first-year college you know!” she exclaims with a mild scoff. She’s always been a little choosy when I could baby her. She looks at Olivia from behind me and I shake my head at her with a reprimanding look before she can even say anything mildly outrageous.

“And that means you are old enough to know not to walk alone during the night,” I tease, she pouts, and she’s about to say something when her phone buzzes, she looks at the message before giggling to herself.

“Which means I need to leave you now with your date because I actually have someone waiting for me,” she laughs running away, before blowing a raspberry at me, and saying, “And you need to go home hag, it’s already past your bedtime!”

I smile to myself, Yeojin has grown to be the brat I knew she would always be. I turn back to Olivia and I see her with the same surly expression back on her face, but her eyes follow Yeojin’s retreating figure and I almost ask her if she knows Yeojin when I see that slight tremor on her eyes. When I look at her eyes she looks almost pained and I wonder what kind of memory is playing through her mind right now. I wonder whose face it is she sees when she’s alone and free to think without the fear of someone prying her free from whatever nightmare or dream she drowns herself in.

She clears her throat and she’s back to herself. She looks up before looking at me and her dark eyes are back to glaring at me again. She’s glaring at me and somehow, all I can think about is the look she was giving Yeojin when she was walking away. There’s something mesmerizing about looking at wounded people, even the surly brats like her, they always fill me with the need to do something I would regret, and before I can second guess myself, I was already walking towards her. I felt her stiffen when I hug her, she’s taller than me so the most I can do is let her stand awkwardly because I couldn’t really make her hide her face in the crook of my neck. Even I know that would be too much.

The cold night air blows and I release her from my hug with a small smile. She isn’t glaring at me but she’s looking at me with a different expression. She’s smiling but it isn’t one of relief or even anger. She’s smiling and somehow it’s different because she’s looking at me with her piercing gaze with a different understanding. She’s looking at me with the same look as what my mother gave me that night.

“You’re crueller than I thought you would be Jungeun-,” she pauses with that smile transforming into a malicious smirk, “_Unnie,_” and she pauses before adding, “Are you trying to do something here?”

I feel myself grow cold with a different memory of another night and I wonder what it is about me that people always seem to get wrong. Maybe that’s just how I should always be. Maybe I should have just continued pretending I didn’t care.

“You were acting all grown-up there so I thought you'd play along,” I say my face a different mask. I smirk at her and my expression from before twists into something that I hate. One that I always use with people to show my detachment to the situation. It’s one that I have always hated because it burns me out more than it does other people. “You did wrong just now when you tried to tease me, trying to get a rise out of me before my friend came. I didn't know you were the type to get hurt so easily.”

“Who says I'm hurt?” she says with a shrug, her own mask perfectly intact with her eyes set in that glare that she had been wearing the whole day.

“Forget it,” I say with a wave of my hand as if to dismiss this whole conversation, before saying with my indifference flowing easily, “Sorry for scaring you.”

She smirks at me, now she’s the one walking closer, and, in my refusal to let her decide how this night would end, I stood my ground.

“I'm the type to hurt others,” she says with that soft voice of hers, more threatening than it should have been. I watch as her large hand rise to pat my head. She’s looking at me with a look that’s more menacing than all the glares that I’ve received the whole day and I wonder if maybe I should rethink the whole situation. 

“Did that scare you?” she asks with amusement, her hand dropping to her side, and I wonder if I just imagined my whole body exhale with obvious relief, “Sorry,” she pauses to make sure to put as much emphasis on the title, “_Unnie.”_

She turns her back to leave, she’s a few steps away from me when she pauses, with a mocking tone she says, “I guess you’re old enough to walk alone right?”

I watch her slowly walk away from me, and all I could think to myself was, I hate people who easily misunderstand. The cold night’s breeze blow again and I try to stop myself from shaking by pulling my coat tighter against me. I should be used to nights like these now. I should have been used to nights like these.

The next week, I was listening to our new lesson about calling and its importance, and I had decided that maybe this class would be okay. Olivia has not said anything to me when I sat down for class, except for when she mocked the stickers in my bag, the professor was nice when I arrived almost late, but then I felt my self stiffen when I heard the usual whispers about me. I recognized them to be some girls that had asked me to join them for lunch once. Or maybe they were different people, I always get them all confused.

“To be honest I heard she's a congressman's daughter.”

I know people talk behind my back. It has always been this way ever since high school, when even being quiet can be easily being given any meaning they want it to be. I never had a problem dealing with them because they are always saying the same things over and over again about me.

“Isn't she a billionaire's daughter? Either way, she won't have to worry about finding a job.”

“So unfair.”

I look down to my balled fists, my body drawing farther from them and closer to my surly seatmate. She looks at me with a raised brow but says nothing. Those are the type of things that they would always say about me. They say I'm a snob from an affluent family. They say I’m only good with sleeping around rich old men just like my mother. They don't know a thing about me, yet they talk and spread rumours. I've long decided not to care how people see me. I’m okay with how things are. I’m used to how things are.

As soon as the class had ended, the girls excitedly got up to leave.

“Call me when you're free,” Olivia says after some time of waiting for the other students rush out the classroom.

“I can't today,” I say without looking up, I’m a little surprised by what she said, but I don’t want to ask her the reason why she wanted me to call her. Maybe it’s about last week. I’m not in the mood for it. “I have something important.”

I have planned to spend the whole night in my apartment with the lights off but the oppressive silence is suffocating tonight. I wonder when being alone started becoming a problem for me. I was so used to this, I have grown up to spend my time alone in a dark room, that's how it had always been and how it would always be. I hear the faint sound of a memory and a picture of warmth that I still keep, and I feel my throat close-up. My eyes stray up to my ceiling and I release a sigh of frustration. I’m living alone in an apartment with the freedom to do whatever it is I want, but here I am in my bed shrouded by darkness, because I don’t want to look around my room, and even my window’s curtains are closed shut so not even the moon’s light can reach me. The world’s too dark and the small space I’m in feels too big and too empty. Maybe I should have just called Yeojin for movie night but the thought of it is only making me more miserable. Yeojin has someone. She has friends and I’m a pathetic loner that is three years her senior.

I release a small breath of dejection before getting up my bed, I guess taking out the trash would do me some good tonight since I already cleaned my room out of frustration the night before.

“This is it?” I hear Olivia’s soft voice and I almost jumped from surprise. I was too busy segregating the trash that I didn’t even notice her approach me from behind. She gestures to the trash bin before saying with mild annoyance, “Is this your _Something __I__mportant_?”

“What?” my surprise of her sudden presence was quickly replaced by alarm, “Why are you here? How did you know where I live?”

She raises her eyebrow in answer and I could feel myself grow incredulous by the situation but also pity for her. “Gosh. It looks like you've misunderstood. I didn't hug you because I was interested in you. I hate to tell you this, but I should make it clear now. Don't get hurt. It was my fault for hugging you, but you provoked me first. So be careful of how you act, and go home. It's getting late. The world is a dangerous place.”

“Are you crazy?” she asks with amusement as if I’m the one acting alarmingly. She’s looking at me like I have gone mad.

“Excuse me?” I answer with more force than I intended. This kid is seriously beginning to get on my nerves.

“I didn't know where you live,” she gestures to an apartment complex near where I live, and I feel flush with embarrassment, “I was just on my way home.”

“You live near here?” I ask, a little flushed, before saying with a little bit of my composure back, I try to offer my hand. “That makes us neighbours.”

She looks at my hand, noting the trash bag that I'm still carrying, before sighing with what sounds like frustration, “Bye,” she says, already turning her back to leave.

“Then why did you want me to call you?” I yell at her and she turns to me with a look that’s both incredulous and offended.

“Are you stupid?” she shakes her head before looking at me again with a look that’s probably meant to convey how slow she thinks I am, “It's our assignment.”

“Oh, you're right.” And I’m beginning to think that she’s right in thinking that I’m stupid too.

“Get a hold of yourself Unnie,” she turns her back again, waving her hand before saying, “ The world is a dangerous place.”

“Hey, where do you think you're going?” I call out to her, she pauses, and without even turning she says, “My apartment. You have a problem with that?”

She goes and I’m left looking at her back walking away more times than I want in this lifetime. Like I said, I really hate people who easily misunderstand.

“Attraction. Falling for someone,” Professor Jo pauses and does a weird heart sign before saying in a sing-song voice, “Love, love,” the whole class collectively groan and Professor Jo laughs before saying, “That was lame. I apologize. It's easy to be attracted to someone, but it's never easy to express it accurately. It's because we all feel and express it in different ways. I showed you just now that unfortunately, attraction can be misinterpreted as aversion. Let's see. Soo-rok, has that happened to you before?”

“I'm not sure,” some boy from the front row, the one who had complained about being given a guy as a dating partner, stands and smiles in a way that he must think is charming, “I don't think I'd be misinterpreted that way.”

“Are you sure you're not the one misinterpreting?” Professor Jo asks with a seriousness that he occasionally shows, he’s very good in catching us off guard, as can be seen in how Soo-rok sat down in his seat with a perplexed look on his face. Professor Jo smiles at us before saying, “All right. Our next task is to express our feelings. There are many ways to do this,” he starts to write on the board, “For example, you could write a heartfelt letter, dance or sing how you feel, do a favour for that person, or support them in every way you can,” he faces us again with a smile, “These are some of the ways. There are no right answers to this. Based on what you've learned, pretend you're attracted to your partner and express how you feel. It might be real for some of you, I suppose." the bell rings, and he shrugs, "Dismissed”

The class starts clamouring to leave, and Olivia, surprisingly, does not wait for the crowding people to leave, she’s already gathering her things, ready to brave the sea of people. I stand to follow her when I felt someone tap me on my shoulder, I turn to see Jinsol and she’s looking at me with a smile plastered on her face. She has always been good at smiling.

“Jungeun, you dropped this,” she holds out my notebook and I take it before nodding at her. She’s always smiling.

“Thanks,” I say while putting my notebook inside my bag.

“How are you doing?” I don’t have to look up to know that she’s still smiling. She’s good at always smiling. I see Olivia move past us, and I nod at Jinsol again before catching up to Olivia. I don’t want to look at that smile again.

“Hey, Olivia,” I grab on her coat to stop her from walking away, she’s walking too fast, or maybe it’s the fact that she has longer legs and longer strides, I shake my head before asking, “What should we do for the assignment?”

“I don't know,” she shrugs off my hold, she’s looking at someone behind me, and after a while, she’s walking again, “It's up to you. I need to go.”

“Okay Didn't he mention a few things? Letter, song, dance, doing a favour.” I look down to search for my phone in my bag.

“Let's do the last one, okay? Just text me the details.” I look up and she’s already far off after saying those words, she’s waving her hand at me again as if to dismiss me. And I wonder if this is how it would always be for the whole time that we would be assigned as partners.

I was sitting at a bench near the mini-park outside the campus. The night has gone colder and my ears are turning numb, I can already feel the warmth from my coat dropping. The bench still feels cold, even though I have been sitting on it for some time now. Olivia’s testing my patience and I would really smack that kid if she wasn’t so scary. My phone buzzes and I sigh in relief, maybe I was just ten minutes too early or she hadn’t read my earlier text.

“Where are you?” I ask as soon as her call has connected.

“I have a favour,” she sounds bored and I feel my blood boil over, “I need some time to work tonight.”

“Work?” I ask, not even trying to hide the irritation behind my voice, “What do you mean by that?”

“To avoid misunderstanding,” she sounds like she’s enjoying my suffering and the earlier cold that I felt was replaced by the need to wipe that smug expression from her voice, “I meant my artwork.”

“Gosh, I can't believe this,” I stand to leave, “So you're not coming? I'm busy too. I have lots to do,” and I’m talking to no one because she had already hung-up. In my frustration, I open my phone to look for the art department on our campus.

I find Olivia in what looks like a junkyard near the art department. She’s holding a chisel to a head that she’s sculpting, there aren't many features on it but she’s handling it with careful precise movements that I felt enthralled by the way that she moves. She’s delicate in driving the chisel to create more form to it, and her hold on its shapeless form is with so much care that I felt like I’m intruding on her. She releases her hold on the chisel, caressing its cheek before looking-up, she’s surprised to see me, but she didn’t seem troubled by the fact that I’m here. If anything, she raises her eyebrow as if to challenge me, and my earlier anger returns.

“We need to talk,” she moves away from her sculpture, removing her working apron with no hurry in her movements, she continues to dust herself off without looking at me, and I feel myself grow angrier by the moment that she’s been ignoring me, “I said we need to talk. Come out of your workshop.”

“It's freezing.” And _you _didn’t care that I have been waiting for _you, _I think to myself. I close my eyes, releasing a shuddering breath to calm myself a little.

“You said we should do favours,” I say, trying to stifle the want to tackle her with all that I could muster, “We even set up a meeting for that, but you stood me up. Isn't that too much?”

“Sorry if you're upset,” she says with a shrug and with that infuriating smile that says anything but apologetic.

“Are you trying to get back at me?”

“Get back at you for what?”

“Because I refused to call you. Is that why you're acting like this?” She laughs at my reply, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe she’s the one that has gone crazy from all the stress. “Why are you laughing?”

“Didn't you find it tiresome?” she walks closer to me with that ease that infuriates me, “When we did the dating assignment, you acted crankily and looked bored. Even with the phone call assignment, you said taking out the trash was more important. So I thought you found this tiresome. It didn't bother me though. With this assignment, since you find it tiresome and I'm busy, I figured we shouldn't spend time on each other.”

“You got it wrong,” I mumble, “I never said it was tiresome and you weren’t even helpful to the situation yourself.”

“You didn't say it,” she shrugs, standing taller while looking down at me, “but you acted that way until now and I’ve always been just the way I am. I’m okay with everything and I do my part even with my glares.”

“You misunderstood.”

“If it wasn't tiresome, then did you like hanging out with me? Did you look forward to doing our assignment today too?”

“How did you even come to the conclusion that I’m not willing to do my part in this group assignment?”

“Jungeun Unnie,” she says my name with that honorific again, but somehow I can feel how she’s using it against me.

“What?”

“You feel like you're often misunderstood, right? People understand you based on your words and actions. They can't read your mind. Don't you think so? It was you who misunderstood this time. You thought I was trying to get back at you, so you came all the way here. You don't like being misunderstood, right? Well, I don't like it either.”

She’s turning her back again and I wonder what made me feel so desperate to prove her wrong tonight. Maybe it’s because those words had brought me to the same level as those people that judge me without knowing me. Maybe it was the fact that Jinsol is still looking at me with that damned smile of hers. Maybe it’s the fact that the only friends I have left are people that I don’t deserve any more. Or maybe I just really hated waiting in the cold night.

“Hey, Olivia! I don't like eating alone. But I pretend I do. I don’t like being with people because I’m afraid of what they already think of me, that's why my classmates don’t ask me to join them anymore. I had friends but I don’t even think I deserve them anymore. Sometimes I hated being alone so much I skipped lunch. I’m afraid of my misery because I know that I deserve it.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Just listen. I'm almost done,” she’s staring at me with surprise but she waits for me to finish, I release a shuddering breath to at least lessen all the frustration that has pent up ever since we’ve been grouped, before uttering the most honest words I have said ever since that night, “I'm sorry for misunderstanding.”

“All right. Are you done?” She doesn’t look at me with pity and that is more than I can say with how I expected her to act, she’s just looking at me like how she usually does, “If you have time, let's have dinner. I'll treat you. I'm hungry. That was your favour, wasn't it? Having dinner together?”

“You know, you're good at digging things out of people,” I say after a moment of silence since we have started to walk outside the campus.

“After all, my major is digging things out.”

“Are you trying to be funny?” I look at her with incredulity but she doesn’t even act like she just said those words. Her face is as stoic as ever, and I would wonder if I just imagined those words, but she is so adamant in avoiding my gaze.

“What do you want for dinner?” she asks instead, her strides slowing down to let me catch up.

“There's somewhere I've wanted to go,” I say, remembering a quaint restaurant near the campus. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone there.

The door’s chimes ring the moment I’m inside the restaurant. The smell of food wafts through the air and the memory of tastes tantalizes me, I hear a group laughing and I’m reminded of a different sound of laughter, and at this moment I’m smiling again with my laughter filling me again. Olivia is behind me trying to catch-up after I ran ahead of her. I have decided that I’ve seen her back more than I wanted to. With thoughts of nostalgia and a triumph of today I inhale the air with a sense of accomplishment, I shake my head, and I look up to see Jinsol.

She came. Today would have been our third anniversary. She’s still smiling at me and I’m reminded of why looking at her smiles became too much. She was smiling on that night too. She was smiling when I broke her, just like how she’s looking at me again now because Olivia just entered behind me. I’m reminded of why I have hated silence since then too. It was what waited for me when I came home from that night. It was the only thing I had left when I filled my life with her.

_ “I read in a book once that what you despise in other people is actually a reflection of yourself,” Jungeun laughs and she wishes it wasn’t the truth, “Once you realize that, you can start liking a lot more people.”_

_Jungeun looks at Olivia and she remembers nothing but a girl who used to tell her that she’s the brightest star. A girl who smiles as brightly as the sun. A girl who likes the ocean as she did the sky for its vastness. A girl who always looked up and saw something greater than the unknown. A girl who loved her and she loved back. A girl she broke because that’s just the way she is. _

_Olivia looks at __Jungeun__ and she thinks of a different set of eyes. __She thinks of __pink lips_ _in__ bright smiles __and brown eyes glittered with gold__. She thinks of wounded lips and wounded looks. She thinks of fear and she thinks of the love that brought that fear._

_Jungeun smiles and a__ reflection of emptiness is shared between their apathy__. Olivia smile_s _and she wonders if maybe__hating reminders is a common behaviour for hypocrites like them._


	6. Pain in Bravery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haseul wonders what made bravery so stupid in the first place. It was supposed to make everything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I hadn't updated in weeks. I'm suffering from college schedules, annoying workloads, and being sick (literally and metaphorically). I wish I could fix my schedule but our uni has some important event coming up and everybody is scrambling to cram as many achievements as they can (especially our professors). Also, thanks for the new 9 followers in my twitter account. 😂🎉

_ “When you look at the way that you’ve lived your life,” Haseul murmurs as she leans closer to Vivi, her grip on her beer glass tightening, a drunken haze overcoming her gaze that makes Vivi question what has enthralled her, “What _ _is the thing that you regret not doing the most?”_

_Vivi smiles at Haseul and all she can think about is how Vivi looks so__ beautiful in this night._ _ Her pink hair glows differently__ and somehow beautiful in__ the yellow light of the bar, her brown eyes are round with curiosity__, her widening smile makes her cheeks fuller, and when she touches Haseul, it feels warm in a lot of ways. Haseul tries to right her position on the stool, but she only seems to get drunker the more she looks at Vivi, her gaze travels to Vivi’s lips, and she wonders what a taste of them would feel like. She thinks of the sweet candy that Vivi always have on the ready when Yeojin visits her on work and she wonders if her lips would taste just as sweet. Vivi’s tongue darts out to wet her lips and Haseul almost falls over her stool. Vivi laughs and Haseul blushes more than before and somewhere in the forefront of her drunken haze she only hopes that all that she’s been doing tonight would be excused as drunken behaviour. It’s easier to get lost at this moment with Vivi when it’s just the two of them, and Vivi will only look at her. _

_Haseul sighs and Vivi looks at her fondly. She smiles wider at Haseul before trying__ to pry off _ _Haseul’s grip on her third glass of beer tonight. Haseul looks at Vivi and at her hand, she smiles wide, releasing the glass before intertwining their fingers together. Vivi looks up to Haseul in surprise, but she’s smiling even wider than before, and Vivi feels herself blush. Vivi clears her suddenly dry throat, squeezing Haseul’s hand before looking at the wonder in Haseul’s eyes, she replies with more meaning than she intended, “I regret _ _never being brave enough when it mattered.”_

(Dating Class)

_ **Jo Haseul** _

“Yeoijn,” I grumble before rolling over to hide my face under the covers, “What are you doing here this early in the morning?”

Yeojin doesn’t answer, instead I hear some shuffling, someone giggling, the window is opened with the curtains, which sheds annoying light all over my room, and my head hurts because Jinsol was being annoying and wanted me to drink with her to drown her sorrows – and then a camera shutter goes off and there’s louder giggling from more than one person. More than one person, which means there is someone with Yeojin and that someone isn’t Jinsol because I remember her passing out in the bar so she had to take Vivi’s room upstairs in the bar. She had to take Vivi’s room.

I felt my whole body grow stiff with the realization that I just offered my room last night for Vivi to sleep in. Vivi is in my room. Vivi is in my room that I did not have time to clean because I was too drunk and I wanted to be some sort of chivalrous woman. Vivi is in my messy room. Vivi, who is the woman that I have been crushing on ever since I started my part-time job, is in my messy room. And I am hung-over with very ugly hair because that’s just how I look every morning. Vivi is in my room with my annoying sister that would do everything to embarrass me in front of my crush.

“Fuck,” I whisper, fully awake now, and very aware of how I’m in a situation that I would not be in if it weren’t for Jinsol. That girl’s in a very messy situation right now, but this is a very sticky situation that I would very much want to not experience. Someone is walking closer to the futon that I had slept on, and now that I remember some things about last night, I’m thankful to the person I was from last night because at least she had the sensibility to let Vivi sleep on the bed. The same cannot be said about what’s to happen now, so I am cursing myself in all of my existence while hoping with every fibre of my being that it’s just my annoying sister approaching me because I’m sweating buckets and the weather’s supposed to be close to winter. Someone sits on the futon, I could feel my soul leaving my body, I can already tell it’s Vivi from the way that she was being careful because that means that Vivi has been awake for some time now. Which means she already saw me earlier in all my messy glory.

A hand touches my shoulder softly, gentle, and very familiar, in all things that I am very grateful for and hate at the same time. “Haseul you need to get up now,” Vivi’s soft voice sounds close to my ears, she rubs my shoulder gently to try to rouse me from my supposed sleeping state, and it would have been a very good way of waking-up, if I don’t smell like acrid puke and booze from last night, because I was too drunk to change, and Jinsol’s puke almost hit me, and she was dousing me with booze all night.

My thoughts go to the facts that she’s very close to me, she’s very warm and soft, she’s smelling my disgusting smell right now, and that I have a crush on this beautiful woman who smells really great even if her faint perfume has faded and it’s replaced by something that smells like my soap- And just like that I felt the ability to breathe leave me with just the fact that she smells like my soap.

I need to calm myself down because I’m sure it was just nothing but her using my soap to clean herself this morning, which means I should stop breathing with slow shallow breathes. But I can see her in my mind’s eye leaning down on me, her other hand she’s using as support, her beautiful pink hair with its little curls let down with the light from my window reflecting off it to shower her in a halo of light, and I just want to beat myself up, because I could have been enjoying the sight of her this morning if I wasn’t so disgusting. And if that’s not enough, I also look like a mess, and I’m afraid of my morning breath. And now that I think about it, I sound like I’m a slob. A great way of starting a day really. A great way of impressing my crush on this great day.

“Haseul, it’s almost noon,” she rubs my shoulder again, and I would die from happiness any other day in this kind of situation, but today I would just want to disappear from existence.

“She’s probably embarrassed unnie,” I hear Yeojin, snickering, and I swear I will hunt the runt down if she ever shows Vivi anything remotely embarrassing, before another shuffling and Vivi’s weight is off me. And I miss her already with her hand on my shoulder, “I’ll wake her up so you go down and try to look prettier this morning.”

I hear Vivi chuckle, and I would be jealous that Yeojin has more game than I do if I didn’t hear footsteps leave the room, and there was just that one great moment where I thought that maybe there is a god out there who is blessing me. All those sentiments were, of course, before my hungover head is hit by a hard pillow.

“YEOJIN, YOU LITTLE RUNT!”

I’m groaning, rolling down the floor in agony, clutching at my head and trying to squint through my bedroom because it’s too bright, and before I can even get up to try and throw the pillow back at her, she’s already running out my bedroom laughing like the little devil that she is.

“Haseul are you okay?” I see Vivi’s head peek through my bedroom door’s frame, and I felt all my focus shift unto the fact that she’s wearing one of my over-sized work flannel shirts. I can see a lot of skin. And I want to bang my head because I can remember telling her to just sift through my things last night for a change of clothes. She must have just used one of my short shorts and my work uniform. And I am staring at her very pretty legs. Very pretty long legs with my over-sized flannel looking normal on her because she’s taller than me. Vivi clears her throat, and I try to sputter out a reply with my very red face, “You are… umm,” And Oh god, she’s looking at me with one of her smiles and I felt myself choke even harder on my words before I could say a faint, “I am okay. I think?”

She laughs, and I feel like this must be what being blessed would feel like, before she started walking to me, and I scramble to stand-up with every intention of not losing any of my left dignity, which, I think, is the problem because I’m still hung-over, and I am suddenly face-first back the futon. Vivi must think that I’m an idiot because I am an idiot groaning again. She kneels on my futon, rubbing my back to try to soothe me (She’s such an angel). I felt myself relax to her touch, her hand is warm on me, a very good kind of warmth that makes me feel a lot of things inside.

“Haseul, come down when you feel okay, I just came to leave you some medicine and water in your bedside table,” she says softly, squeezing my shoulder before getting up and leaving me to at least let me recover.

As soon as the door’s closed, I slowly turned from my face first earlier position, groaning while trying to cover my eyes from the sun. Being someone allowed to have a person like Vivi in my life was everything that I’ve ever wanted and everything that I had secretly dreaded.

_ Haseul is squinting through the crowd, trying to navigate among the throng of people to find a seat to eat her lunch in peace, when she spots Jinsol with her own kind of crowd surrounding her, but still only looking at Jungeun sitting by her lonesome again. She looks between them, and she wonders if they would ever have the courage to sit together one day. A boy laughs beside Jinsol, and she laughs with him, the people around her croons about how cute they are together, and she remembers being the girlfriend of the basketball captain in her previous school. _

_ Being the girlfriend of the basketball captain would have been a blessing if they weren't both interested in someone they could never have if they were just people allowed to be anybody, but they were together anyway. They were together because it was expected of them, and for them to maintain their status. They both needed protection from people because they can be cruel when they think no one would care. She was sent to a place where being different meant she was a nobody. She was sent to a place by people who only wanted what’s best for her, and now she’s back because she decided being a coward wasn’t the best for her. Now when she thinks about it, any place meant needing to be a somebody, but that place merely made her aware of that fact. _

_ She continues walking to a vacant seat beside Jungeun, and she wonders if her ‘new girl’ status would warrant her enough points to be left alone if she sits with Jungeun, but she looks to Jungeun’s left, and she sees girls looking at her with the same judgment that is always present when Jungeun is around. She clears her throat, dropping her tray to the table, before tucking her long hair behind her ears and winking at the girls. She chuckles when they turn away hurriedly, either from disgust or from embarrassment, but she wouldn’t really know because she had decided learning a few tricks to disarm people is a good way of making them try to stay away from you by default. _

“_What are you doing?” Jungeun hisses and Haseul laughs, opening her water bottle, before shrugging at her._

“_They looked like they needed some new material to talk about.”_

“_You mean rumours about how the only person who wants to be my friend is the lesbian from abroad and her little sister?” Jungeun hisses and Haseul chuckles before stopping short in her amusement. Yeojin, Haseul’s younger sister, enrolled a year younger than she should, so she’s the youngest in her year._

“_Oh, so you’ve seen Yeojin around the campus?” Yeojin has been following Haseul around much to her chagrin, but she couldn’t do much about it because she knows that Yeojin is sneaky when she wants to be. And Yeojin would always swear that she just wants to make sure that she isn’t being bullied by other kids, which would be a funny thought if Haseul isn’t worried about it herself and if her dad isn’t the new school principal. “That brat has been annoying me lately with how she’s been destroying my game plan of ruling the school with my awesome badassery.”_

_ Jungeun rolls her eyes in exasperation, “You’re hanging out with me already, the school pariah, so you never had the chance to be cool.” _

_ Haseul would laugh at Jungeun’s remark if she hadn’t been warned by some of her classmates about Jungeun, so she just smiles at Jungeun, like she always would, to pretend that maybe she’s hopeful that people around her can change. Because she’s heard them all and she wants to be different from them at least, even if she knew that people wouldn’t believe even if the truth smacked them in the face, but she still wants to hope that maybe if given enough chance they can change. _

_ She wants to hope because she wants to give Jungeun the hope that people would stop thinking they knew her. They said she was a snob. They said she’s vain and she has a superiority complex. They said she’s the same as her mother; someone who would gladly use people for their own gain. They said she was everything but the girl that Haseul came to know about, and so Haseul smiles, hoping maybe Jungeun would someday realize that despite her reputation, there are people who know otherwise. _

I feel drained by the time that I could go downstairs. The fact that Vivi is downstairs, is the only reason why I even had the energy to keep on moving. I feel so sluggish, my head hurts and everything bright makes me hurt more. The hot shower was nice, having a change of clothes was better, but food would be awesome.

“Haseul unnie!” I hear Choerry’s usual cheery voice, and I would scowl at her if she isn’t a sweetheart, and if I didn’t think that being mad at her is a crime, but I did grimace from how loud she was. Yeojin and Choerry became friends in college when Yeojin got lost on her way to her first culinary class, and Choerry, a psychology major, found her close to tears in the botanist department as she was heading back to the dorm. Choerry’s real name is Yerim, but there are too many girls named Yerim in her class, that Yeojin just started calling her Choerry, the reason Yeojin gave being only because Choerry hates Cherries. Choerry just laughed when Yeojin gave her the nickname and it stuck because most of the people from their friend group just call her Choerry now.

“Haseul, come drink your coffee.” Vivi in the morning is as ethereal as I had always thought she would be. She’s leaning on my apartment’s kitchen counter pouring coffee into a mug from the coffee pot, and all I can think of is how I want to see her every day. I want to see her every day with that dimpled smile and the way that she would look at me softly. I want to see her every day, and just watch her move around and about, all the while doing mundane things that shouldn’t be mesmerizing, but it always is. I want to see her every day, and hear her voice calling out my name with every way that she can manage. The sound of her voice everything beautiful to my ears that reminds me of comfort that warms me and calms me; like a fire in the storm, or a gentle breeze on a sweltering day. I want to see her every day and learn everything that she is willing to give me. I want to see her every day, and I already miss her for every moment that I couldn’t see her, so my heart clenches from everything and from the want that she had gripped me with. Everything I can see in this morning is her, and it hurts me with the need for it to be real for as long as it could be, so I smile and walk towards her with the pain of wanting her consuming me, as it is in all ways that fill me with everything but the thoughts of her.

“_Have you ever thought of just one day sitting beside Jungeun?” Haseul asks Jinsol and she __looks up from the language homework that she had been squinting at for the past five minutes, her brow furrows momentarily before she grins at Haseul. _

_ Jinsol has been hanging around Haseul’s family restaurant in the pretence of waiting for Jungeun to finish her school desk jockey responsibilities for the AV club. Jungeun, in all her snob status, is still one of the most brilliant students of the school, she’s the president of the Journalism club, she’s a member of the swimming varsity, and most of the junior students revere her. The rumours about her had actually started recently. It had started recently and sudden, something that can be known with a quick google search, but always something that Jungeun isn’t prepared for the world to know about. _

“_I would if she would let me,” Jinsol says. Her voice, Haseul notes, holds longing that speaks of conversations repeated too many times, there’s an underlying frustration in Jinsol’s voice and Haseul wonders of Jungeun. She’s always been set on being a martyr. “But I just want her to be comfortable. I want what makes her happy.”_

_ Haseul smiles at Jinsol, and they share an understanding of Jungeun. They share the fear of want that Jinsol feels, the worry of Jungeun’s caution in her happiness, and they share this moment for an understanding that they fear the future. _

“_Can I ask you why you fell for Jungeun?” Haseul asks after a moment of their shared silence, her face lights up from mischief, and her voice is dancing with laughter, “I mean aside from the fact that you’re a perv lusting after her Doritos body.” _

_ Jinsol sputters, blushing and pouting at Haseul, she throws her eraser at her, “You just don’t get the appeal of Jungeun,” she starts with an indignant huff, but her voice softens with every trait that she lists, almost reverent of Jungeun when she finishes her rant, “She’s, like, charming and stylish, she’s pretty and smart, and she’s nice – smells nice, and very dependable, and shy even though she’s perfect. And she doesn’t know she’s perfect. And most of the time she needs to be reminded that she needs to take a break. I just think that she needs to be reminded that she deserves to be happy too. She deserves to be happy because she’s like the brightest star shining in the darkest sky there is.” _

_ Haseul smiles and she wonders if she’s lucky she doesn’t understand what Jinsol feels for Jungeun yet. _

Vivi Unnie left after breakfast, her expression was unreadable after a phone call, squirming on her seat and anxious to leave, and I would ask her what’s wrong if I didn’t see who called her. It was a call from Hong Kong. She does not like talking about specifics in her life in Hong Kong that much, but she had told me about her fiancee. He’s a lucky man.

With Vivi Unnie out doing something, I had to make the preparations to open the restaurant, and also to look after Yeojin trying to prepare for the day with Choerry asking for food with every batch of pastry that Yeojin bakes. The other waiting staff of the restaurant are outside already preparing for the day, while the rest are helping the cooking staff set some things in the kitchen, and all of it thanks to Vivi Unnie, who came by earlier to help open the restaurant before leaving. And it’s because of her efforts that most of the things we’re doing are just preparing for the rush hour, all the while catering to the progressing trickle of people.

“Gowon Unnie, the new waitress, called earlier,” Yeojin murmurs, swatting at Choerry’s hand when she tried to steal another macaroon, “Said something about you introducing her to her new roommate and stuff.”

I sigh, looking over at Yeojin and Choerry teasing each other, laughing and giggling, while Yeojin continues in trying to package her newly made macaroons in boxes for the dessert menu of the day, before walking out the kitchen to fix all the things necessary behind the counter so we can put some in display already. She has always been good in the kitchen, she’s dedicated to the restaurant as mom was, and she’s good with people like it’s second nature to her. She’s my precious baby sister, I just hope she didn’t grow up too fast because of us.

_ “Haseul, you need to come back,” Seok-hyun’s voice was muffled__. _ _ His voice sounded like it was travelling through a tunnel, or maybe she’s drowning and she’s hearing it underwater, or maybe she has been floating _ _ up in space and she’s slowly freezing because everything suddenly felt cold, or maybe she suddenly caught a rare disease and she went deaf, because everything would make more sense than the feeling that Haseul is feeling right now. Everything feels like it's falling apart and she just wants the world to stop with her. _

Someone calls for my name and my mind clears, I look up to see Gowon waving at me from across the restaurant’s entrance. I smile, calling at Yeojin to look after the restaurant while I’m gone, and Choerry shouts back a reply, “Don’t worry Unnie, I’ll make sure to stop any- and if she ever has one of her many brilliant ideas!”

“Hey!” Yeojin huffs, “I seem to recall having seen you being locked out of your dorm last time, and it was winter, so you had to run to me for help!”

“Because you were the reason I was locked out!” Choerry answers laughing, “You were being a baby, asking me for cuddles and hugs!”

“I was not!”

I walked out from behind the counter chuckling, their banters always end with Yeojin pouting at Choerry. Gowon is lugging a suitcase behind her, she’s wearing a cute yellow dress with cute heels, and I’m already wondering if she would be alright on her own moving around all day to settle comfortably on her new room, but she’d tell me that she’d be fine on her own, saying that the reason she moved out her parent’s house is to learn independence.

I nod at Wendy, our new assistant restaurant manager, an apology, but she shakes her head with a smile. This is her first month at the restaurant and I just hope that she wouldn’t quit too soon. After Uncle Seok-hyun has decided to go back to teaching, our restaurant management has been a little harder to handle. Thankfully, Vivi Unnie was the one who replaced Uncle Seok-hyun, and she has been doing a great job in keeping everybody in line, but I still insisted that we hire an assistant manager, while Vivi Unnie try to assimilate easier after her transfer from Hong Kong, and also for the reason that I’m still studying so I can only work part-time at the moment.

Gowon has been a nice addition to the staff as well, especially with her family background of hotel management, but she’s still too young, and she wouldn’t really accept a job higher than being a waitress, insisting that she wanted to experience customer service in all its hellish glory. She’s a very strange girl in all the right ways, a princess who wants a taste of a commoner’s life, so when she asked if I knew any place cheap enough with her salary, I didn’t hesitate to offer her a room in the apartment complex that Uncle Seok-hyun owns, which I also help manage.

I smile at her, helping her with her suitcase with a shake of my head when she tried to protest, “This all your stuff?” trying to haul her large suitcase up a step, heading to the apartment entrance, it’s actually just across from the restaurant.

“Yeah,” she peers at the empty hallways, craning her neck to look for any sign of people ambling about, but the apartment is quiet because a lot of the occupants are working, and while there are a handful of students, they just mostly keep to themselves, especially during the weekends. I press for the elevator.

“So what’s my new roommate like, Haseul Unnie?” Gowon shuffles behind me, while we wait for the elevator.

“Oh, she’s actually my cousin, daughter of the apartment’s owner,” I hum, signalling for her to follow as soon as the elevator door opens, “She’s kinda mean but she really is just shy.”

“Does she also work part-time in the restaurant?”

“No, she’s not someone made for customer service. She’ll glare at them always, instead of smiling, and I believe she can be kind of rude to other people because of her honesty.”

“And you think we’ll get along because?”

“You’re rude to me,” I laugh, getting off the elevator on the third floor, “You’ll like her.”

When I look back at her, Gowon is looking at me with her raised eyebrow, and if I hadn’t been on the receiving end of it for more than I can count, it would have had an effect on me, but I have grown some resistance from it so I just chuckled at her.

“Are you actually worried about anyone not liking you?”

She looks at me in mild surprise, “When we’re talking about someone that could potentially kill me in my sleep if I wasn’t careful then, of course, I would be worried. I’m vulnerable in my sleep.”

“Then you’d like her just fine, she has a very cute voice, and she’s really just a gamer. You guys are similar in a lot of ways-”

“That’s even worse!” She shakes her head at me, interrupting me before I can even list more of their rude hobbies, one being that of cutting me off mid explanations, and to prove my thoughts even more; she scrunches her nose in disgust “A lot of gamers don’t bath and most of them are bullies!”

“Gowon you’re gonna be fine, I live next door to yours,” I point to my apartment’s door, the room next to Hyeju’s, which is near the end of the hall, “ You can scream at my doorstep if you would ever need help.”

She scoffs, following closely behind me with her hands crossed in her chest. As soon as we reach Hyeju’s door, I look at Gowon to gesture that she should at least try to smile by pointing at my lips with a smile and a stare of disapproval, she raises her eyebrow before acquiescing with a little groan. She lets her hands fall to her side, smiling with just a little quirk of her lips to seem polite, and I would have wanted for her to smile a little wider, but I know I would be asking for too much from Gowon. She’s a hard-headed kid.

I press the buzzer softly, waiting for Hyeju to answer the door. “Why does she need a roommate anyway? Her father owns the apartment complex right?”

“It’s a lot more complicated than that-” The door opens before I can complete my sentence, and I’m smiling at Hyeju with fondness just like how I smiled at Gowon earlier. Kids like being disrespectful nowadays. She’s dressed in an over-sized shirt, sweat pants, and her long hair is a little wet. She’s grumbling a greeting and I would usually say something back, but she’s glaring at Gowon, and I don’t really want them to start hating on each other on their first meeting.

“Hyeju this is Chaewon-”

“My name’s Olivia Hye.”

“Call me Gowon.”

They both say before I can even finish my introduction, and I glare at both of them, but, surprisingly, they are both looking at anywhere but each other. I clear my throat, “As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, _Gowon_ will be your new roommate _Olivia_, so I will now leave you guys because I need to go back to work.”

Gowon is glaring at me, both of them actually are, but I ignore both of them, focusing instead on taking my phone out of my pocket. My phone is blowing up with messages from Choerry, so I hand Gowon’s suitcase to Hyeju and look at both of them with my disapproving stare. “Be nice to each other. I need to go back because Yeojin might have done something now,” I point at Olivia, “Help Gowon with her things,” I point at Gowon, “Be nice to the kid. I need to leave now Choerry’s calling me now.”

_ It’s raining, Chaewon has always hated the rain. It smells like everything dirty, dusty, _ _ musty, _ _ and rusty. It’s cold. It’s wet. And you always get wet. _ _ No matter what you do, the rain will always get you wet, and it would always remind you that you can never really be in control to even just protect yourself or the people around you. You bring an umbrella, you will get wet. You wear a raincoat, you will get wet. Everything you do will become a fruitless attempt. Chaewon hates not being enough to remain in control. Chaewon hates it because she’s supposed to be the rich girl who can make everything bend to her will. She’s supposed to be powerful enough to do anything she wants, so why is she standing in an awning, wet__ from something more than just water?__ Why is she waiting for the rain to stop when there’s already a storm inside of her making its own rain? _

_ "Everything sucks, doesn't it?" A tall imposing girl whispers next to her with a voice that sounds airy and hoarse, it's gravelly but soft, and it's everything that sounds as loud as the rain does when it falls. It's a short question that somehow explains everything that Chaewon is feeling right now. It's everything that is childish and dramatic, as it is everything that her parents would have called it to be. _

_ "Yeah, everything sucks," she whispers back, and she shares this moment with the other girl. It's a moment that means nothing for the future but everything at this moment. It's proof that someone else can see how the world is at this moment. _

“Unnie, I don’t think we need you back here anymore,” there’s a scuffle and suddenly Yeojin’s frantic voice is the one I’m hearing instead of Choerry’s, “Yeah, go help Gowon Unnie move her stuff, Vivi Unnie is back anyway!”

I shake my head in confusion, “Yeah, well, it sounded like more of an ‘owner needed’ kind of problem, if Choerry’s been blowing up my phone for the last five minutes is an indication. ‘Sides, if Vivi Unnie could handle it then Wendy could have too.”

There’s more scuffle, at one point I heard Yeojin shouting in pain and Choerry shushing Yeojin, “Hey! Hey! If you guys can just stop whatever it is you guys are doing, and just tell me what it is you guys are trying to distract me from.” I grumble, trying to massage my head from my remaining hang-over headache, the world feels like its spinning, that I had to lean on and to clutch on the apartment complex’ gate. The voices from the other side of the phone sounded faraway. The whole place surrounding me sounds strange, everywhere around me feels strange. I heave, I feel acid coming up my throat, and my thoughts immediately remind me of the night before.

The world around me spins, but I could still somehow make-out Vivi’s figure from the entrance of the restaurant. She seemed strange, she’s sharp and contrasted- the grey around her swallows everything but her, and I can see someone leaning down to her. My head hits the concrete wall that holds the gate, it feels cold and it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I should have just remained as oblivious as I should have been. It makes me think of how life would have been easier if I can just stop myself from realizing things. It makes me think that it would have been better if I didn’t know why my chest hurts when I’m looking at her. It would have been better if I didn’t know why I feel sick looking at her kissing someone that she had chosen to be with.

_ Haseul gets up from her stool, she leans over to Vivi so she could tuck a strand of hair let loose from her ponytail, and after that she cups Vivi’s cheek- caressing the soft flushed skin underneath her fingertips as one would anything worthy of adoration, she breaths in Vivi’s release of air, and she feels life and intoxication run through her veins at that moment. She feels alive and she wants to share this moment forever with Vivi. She wants to look at Vivi’s brown eyes, wide with something that sucks Haseul in, as they sparkle in the yellow light of a dim bar of the restaurant that she doesn’t wish to be responsible for. Haseul wants to be brave and so she asks, “Can we be brave at this moment?”_

_ Vivi smiles, and everything about her makes Haseul want to forget about everything else because she had seen that smile before. It’s soft, adoring, perfect and saccharine. It’s hopeful and Haseul wants to forget hope in this instant. Vivi smiles and she places her hand softly over Haseul’s. Vivi smiles and she takes Haseul’s hand off her cheek, placing their hands on the bar before squeezing her hand to release it. Vivi smiles and she breaks Haseul’s heart again, “I can’t.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I ask for pointers if I made mistakes or if I even made anything that bothers you guys. I really need all the criticism I can get to become better at this writing stuff.
> 
> Let's always support LOONA! 👍👍


	7. Drowning in Storms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Gowon. Hyeju and Chaewon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have good news and bad news. 😀😡
> 
> Good news first, we're almost done with our uni event 🎊🎊, which means that our profs would let up on the volunteer works (all lies because it's almost forced labor at this point), but ALMOST DONE!!! 😤😤 Also, I have a beta reader now!! Let's all thank Kevin (@bluejinsoul) from twitter. And FULL MOON HALLOWEEN SPECIAL STAGE (no explanations needed 😳😳).
> 
> Now for the bad news. My laptop broke and time for exams is close. -_-
> 
> HAPPY READING YOU GUYS!! 😀😀

_ Olivia thinks that it’s fitting to share this moment with a stranger. The world is strangely vivid but muted for her at this moment; her busted lip is stinging from being wet by the rain, her eyes are red and dry from tears that should have fallen, her clothes are sprinkled by some wetness, and the sky is overcome with the grey. The world is swallowing everything up- or drowning everything with more storms. She can close her eyes and she would see nothing but the blurred world around her. She could hug herself but she’s certain that the world would only become colder then. Olivia would drown in everything just like Hyeju did, and so she thinks that being alone with a stranger is the best way to tether herself to the world as of now. Being comforted by someone who doesn’t know you and will never know you; it’s a strange way of being allowed to live. It’s a way that keeps her sane for now. _

_ “Do you think if people just stopped for a minute,” The girl sniffs, from the cold or from her tears, Olivia doesn’t think that it’s relevant at this moment, “They would notice that the world is slowly dying?” _

_ The girl, hunched as she was on the little bench they were both settled in, was small like a pretty doll made from expensive porcelain with black hair of fine strands, and timid with a voice soft even with the rasp of having been crying mere moments ago when Olivia joined her, but when Olivia looks at her eyes- she sees a girl with desperation burning behind the cold muddled brown of them. She sees a girl that is desperate with the will to fight. Olivia chuckles, shrugging off her school blazer before offering it to the little girl. _

_ Hyeju closed her eyes when she was drowning. Hyeju sunk to the bottom, and she saw nothing but the grey around her, but, before she drowned in the darkness where no light can escape, Hyeju was able to feel what it meant to feel the cold never-ending abyss beneath her and still feel hope. Hyeju was the girl willing to fight for everything that she believed in. Hyeju was the girl that Olivia hoped she can remain to be. _

_ (Dating Class) _

** _Park Chaewon_ **

The new room was small, excluding the fact there are two beds in the opposite sides of the room, it’s smaller from what I was used to having, and the kitchen only has a stove and a microwave- I am guessing that my new roommate is as useless as I am in the kitchen because there were no cooking utensils on sight, which leaves me to my problem with the ‘minimalist’ living room. It was minimalist in a way that there’s only a bean bag in front of the large flat-screen TV. The living room is a space with not a couch on sight or a coffee table. The living room is already almost an extension of the small kitchen because no walls are separating it. I am not sure if I love it yet.

“Do you need help?” Olivia murmurs from behind me, and I would have been surprised if she hadn’t been tailing me ever since I got out of my room to fix myself some lunch. It’s strange seeing her again after a few months. She has grown taller, her face has become sharper, with the little roundness that it had now gone, her eyes have become more guarded and more intimidating with every gaze that she sends my way, and she stands in a way that’s both relaxed but tense. She has grown as she had told me she would. With more distrust to the world.

“Thanks, but I don’t need help opening my,” I shake the box of McDonald's take-out that I had to buy before meeting with Haseul because I’m sure that she would have insisted about letting me eat at the restaurant instead, “I think I’m good for now.”

She squints at me, looking at my hair longer than I think would have been appropriate if I didn’t know any better. “So you dyed your hair?” She states it as an observation, at ease with the way that she leans against the wall as she observes me sit down at the table. She’s looking at me with amusement and mild curiosity, that I don’t yet understand. She’s somehow the girl that I’ve met before, but also not.

With every second that passes, the queasiness that I’ve been feeling in the pit of my stomach increases, and that was before my controlled expression of mild intrigue morphs into one of surprise when she suddenly spoke. I didn’t think she would be straightforward, so I say with uncertainty and a little bit of smile that I can muster, “You gave me pretty good advice?”

She chuckles, running her hand through her now almost dry hair. She walks to the kitchen counter, getting a glass filling it with water, before turning back to me while drinking her water. She stands with her hips leaning on the kitchen counter, the silence between us stretches, and she stands taller as she stands closer to where I sit. My gaze travels to her hair, it's in a wild state from being wet, the strands are cut differently from before, and it weighs heavily on my mind as I tried to recall what made it so unfamiliar to me. My fingers drum a beat on the table, Olivia slouches a little as she places her glass of water down the counter before I am hit with the realization as to why her hair seems different.

“You grew your bangs?” I blurt out before I tried to busy myself with my lunch to hide the creeping heat that I felt blossoming in my cheeks, fumbling in trying to open my happy meal, and blushing even harder when I am failing miserably. She chuckles and I’m looking at her again, she's moving closer to me. A small smile on her face and a soft way about her that reminds me of the day that I met her. A day that reminded me of my brother who lost himself to a life that he thought he deserved.

_ “H_ _ow are you going to tell mom and dad?” Chaewon’s brother, Seoham, asked, his voice sounded tired, a sense of how life must be for him now flashes on the deep recesses of Chaewon’s mind, and she would feel the pangs of guilt later, but now she needs someone who knows her. She needs someone. Her world is out of her control and she isn’t even allowed to have a say in it._

_ “ _ _It’s not like I’m rejecting the possibility of inheriting the family business, it’s just that I needed a break from them always telling me what my future is supposed to look like. A future with some man they have decided would be the best match for me. A college course that I didn’t even need prompting for but they decided ‘THE perfect college’ for me already. People who I should associate myself with,” Chaewon sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm herself down, before adding weakly with a chuckle, “I mean, I can only take so much before I decide to leave this family as you did.”_

_ “ _ _You shouldn’t joke like that Chaewon,” Seoham sounds strained, his exhaustion makes him forget the reason why Chaewon needs her now, instead he remembers the looks of disappointment on the faces of their parents, and he thinks to himself that the least he can do for them is to not push his sister to do the same mistake that he did. “You know they only want what’s best for us.”_

_ “ _ _Is that why you’re not allowed to come home anymore?” Chaewon whispers, her voice a little crack of desperation. She leaned her head on the window of her new car, and all she can think about is why did she have to grow up to understand resentment in a level that isn’t just about what she wanted. “I need you back brother. You were the only one that made me feel okay with the future that I knew I was already going to have to live.”_

_ “ _ _Which is the reason why I don’t want you to repeat the same mistakes that I did,” Seoham says with a sigh, his gaze travelling to the sight of his platoon-mates readying themselves before light’s out. The voices become grunts and groans, bodies slumping on beds, and their gears are kept orderly to prevent damage. Moments from then, the platoon captain would do a roll-call before lights out. Life has become too restricted for Seoham and he thinks that it's better this way._

_ “ _ _You mean you don’t want me to, at the very least, be allowed to feel human sometimes?” Seoham hears Chaewon’s voice become weaker, and he knows that Chaewon needs him right now, but he has other responsibilities now, and he needs to collect himself so he can get back to her as a better brother than he was. _

_He hears the heavy footfalls of boots thundering outside the room, a warning to his ears, and he scrambles to get in attention, falling from atop the bunk he was lying on, quickly up like the rest of his fellow platoon-mates, ushering a rushed message so he can hide his phone, “I love you Chae, but I need to go now,” Chaewon hears Seoham’s uncertainty through the phone with the shuddering breath he releases, his exhaustion travels to her, and she feels the need to stop the feeling of prickling tears trying to escape her. “I promise I’ll call you again soon. Remember to please think about what our parents want for your future.”_

_ “ _ _Bye,” she whispers to the quiet end of her phone, and she feels herself release another long weary sigh. She looks outside the window, and she sees people in motion around her. She looks at the people around her and she wonders if any of them are walking aimlessly, looking at what’s ahead of them, and continue to do so even when they are seeing nothing. She turns to the driver silent on his seat that is a glaring proof of how even if she owns this car, she owns nothing, and everything about her life is and will continue to be decisions made for her. Her parents dictate everywhere she could go, and they will decide who she will be known as._

_She looks at her reflection and she wonders if living her life is what she should just do. And at that moment she wants to feel even just a little semblance of control in her life, so she does something incredibly stupid. She rushes outside the car. The driver yells in alarm at her, and she pushes on to feel herself get lost in the crowd of strangers. Her own forest among unknown terrain, a visitation of her plays with her older brother during their younger years. She wishes for the world to devour her and the world pours a storm on her._

_The heavy pellets of the rain grow heavier on her, weighing her down because of her thick coat. She shudders from the cold, holding on the seams of her coat before she drops her coat, her footsteps becoming faster until she bursts into a run. _

_The crowd around her run in their own direction, a blur of motion and chaos of direction, and the rain propels them all to look for shelter. Chaewon feels it too, the need for someplace warm and dry, but she lets herself look up to the sky, a heavier feeling settling in her being. She slows into a trudge before pausing to watch the world as it descends into people protecting themselves with their coats, umbrellas, and all of them rushing to hide from the rain while laughing or grumbling. She sees them all as they go in groups or alone. She sees them all, and she wonders if some of them will remember her at this moment, as she would remember some of them._

“I thought you said you didn’t need my help with your lunch,” Olivia teases, her hands gentle in removing my own as she opens the box for me, “Have you ever even had take-out before?”

“Did Haseul unnie tell you anything about me?” I whisper, my own hands stopping hers from arranging my chicken nuggets outside the box. I felt her stiffen beside me, but I squeezed her hand in mine, tracing a gentle line on her long, surprisingly, rich with callouses hand, before letting go to smile softly up to her.

“Yes,” she whispers, her eyes glinting in a way that is not dissimilar from that day, “And now that I am aware of you, I have thought about a lot of the things that we talked about that day, and of how now they make more sense.”

“Glad to hear that I’m not the only one who still remembers that day,” I mumble, standing up to get myself a glass of water, “Also, do you think we should talk about that day then?”

“Do you?” I hear her ask softly, and I turn to her with curiosity. She shuffles, fidgeting from where she stands, and I would think that she’s just an adorable shy girl if I hadn’t seen her with a busted lip before. It’s strange looking at her now and trying to see that girl in her. She’s grown too much and too little.

She is looking at me in a way that is strikingly different from that day. Her gaze is heavy with distrust or disregard, her voice is tense and guarded, and she hovers over me intimidatingly even with her slouch. She’s a girl who has grown to be who she needed to be, and I wonder if that was what she meant on that day.

“I mean, unless if you want to?” I whisper with uncertainty. She’s looking at my face again, and somehow when I look at her eyes, I’m reminded of the girl who shared that rainy day with me. The girl who sat with me in the silence of a noisy storm, and let the world engulf both of us with a sense of peace amid its chaos.

“I think we should, but maybe not today,” she answers with a shrug, moving away from my seat, watching me closely, as I approached with my glass full of water, “I think maybe I’ll help you with moving your things if you need me to.”

“Thanks,” I nodded, looking at her with uncertainty, the girl in front of me is a stranger, but a stranger who had known the hidden parts of me before any of me, and so, shaking my head, I offer her a little bit of a token for our being formally acquainted. “You had your lunch already? I have fries.” I gesture to the seat beside me and I watch her move slowly to sit beside me. She’s careful in her movements, somehow timid even with how she looks at me, and this morning, with the sound of nothing between us, we share another moment of silence that stretches on that day.

_"Haseul, are you alright?” Vivi asked worriedly, careful in her touches, watchful for any possible injury that Haseul might have sustained in her fall, and, somehow, the sight of Vivi worried hurts Haseul more than her previous fall because of a near-fainting episode. It hurts Haseul in the way that she is reminded- is always reminded that this moment she shares with Vivi, and all the moments that she would have with her, all of it is borrowed. She’s just borrowing all the moments that she can have before Vivi leaves her. And every gaze, every touch, every word that she shares with Vivi, all of it would always remain in the past. She shouldn’t- must not hope for anything more, because it would only hurt Vivi in the end. _

_ “Hey, do you need me to carry her?” The figure beside Vivi asked, his voice a deep sound of concern, his gaze directed more at Vivi than at Haseul. And everything about him is a sharp reminder of Haseul’s borrowed time already ending. His presence is just the confirmation that Haseul needs to remind herself that she had already lost the fight. She was too caught up in living at the moment that she had ignored all the reasons why she never really had the chance. It was always too easy to ignore the cold metal on Vivi’s finger. It was always too easy to smile when Vivi smiles at her. It was always too easy to brush off the reasons as to why she shouldn’t have fallen for Vivi even with the reminder always present in front of her. It was always too easy to fall for Vivi harder when she’s everything- everything that made Haseul’s heart race, everything that made her ignore all reason, and everything that has Haseul enraptured. _

_ Haseul shakes her head, gripping the cold metal of the gate to support herself. Haseul inhales deeply, letting air fill her lungs, she lets herself feel the cold metal bite her skin with her hard grip, and she lets herself smile at Vivi, a softness that does not betray her understanding; one she had always hidden in the deep corners of her mind so she could fool herself into being someone allowed to feel every moment she has with Vivi. She stands shakily on her feet, she looks at the man beside Vivi and waves his offer off, “I think I just need to catch my breath a little, I helped Gowon with her luggage, and I’m a little bit hungover still.” _

_ Vivi tries to admonish Haseul but nothing can come out of her; she’s left staring at Haseul as she breathes intending to ignore her gaze. Haseul stands in a way that is distancing herself away from her, and Vivi wonders why exactly there’s a little prickling sensation inside her that she feels with how Haseul brushed her off when this is what she had wanted. She needed Haseul to stop looking at her like she’s everything that she has ever wanted because there’s already a life laid out for her. She has already been promised to another; the person that had already promised her a life that will be different from the one that she tried to escape from._

The next day, I found myself being at work too early in the morning. Haseul Unnie has classes today, so she’s only coming in for a little bit. Things have become weird between Haseul Unnie and Vivi Unnie, and I’m thinking that the guy that had driven Vivi Unnie to work is responsible. I saw them kiss goodbye, and Haseul Unnie had been adamant on trying to wipe an imaginary stain from the clean beer glass. She has been acting too shifty. She has been acting too animated when she’s around us, but then she becomes pensive and almost sullen when she’s left alone.

Now that a lot of the staff are preparing for the opening, she has been trying to pretend that she hasn’t been sneaking glances at Vivi Unnie. Her eyes had become glassy, unfocused with a far-away look in the whole time that she had been working on the beer glass, that I became more concerned when she set the beer glass down. She looked up at me with a smile, her expression is a weird imitation of her usual dorky self-assured self, and even though it’s obvious that she’s only trying to act like nothing’s wrong, I still felt the need to approach her and make sure that she’s okay. Vivi Unnie has been sending worried glances at her too. The restaurant feels stifling. The tension between them is just waiting to snap with a slight provocation.

“I need to go. I just remembered that I have an assignment due today,” Haseul Unnie blurts with a rushed intake of breath, when she saw Vivi Unnie begin to approach her, she shakes her head as if in disbelief, but the way that she’s wringing her hands gives her away, “And I need to go do it now. So bye guys!”

Vivi Unnie watched Haseul Unnie as she almost tripped running to the exit, she was prepared to go after Haseul Unnie- or maybe say something, but I watched as she did nothing. She just stood there, clutching at her chest, looking at the door with the same yearning look that Haseul Unnie sometimes sends her way.

I stand with a little shake of my head, leaving my post at the counter to go inside the kitchen. I know for a fact that Haseul just wanted to avoid Vivi Unnie today because, when I entered the changing room, Yeojin is still about to take off her apron, and they always leave together. The other noisy girl isn’t with her today. The kitchen is already bustling with activity, and Wendy will be chastising me later for leaving my post, but I need to gather my thoughts for a bit. 

I need to text Chuu for advice in dealing with awkwardness. I’m sure the whole restaurant staff would be weird about Haseul Unnie and Vivi Unnie. We all thought that Haseul Unnie would confess sooner or later, but we didn’t expect an unknown man added into the equation. Haseul Unnie and Vivi Unnie just made sense, I know that and I haven’t been employed for a whole month yet.

“Hey Gowon Unnie,” a loud energetic voice says, and it’s only unfortunate that I forgot about Yeojin, because she’s been trying to approach me with her other noisy friend, “Won’t you be late for school today?”

“No,” I mumble with a smile at her, my fingers already twitching to dial Chuu’s number. I don’t have a problem with Yeojin, but I think having a Chuu in my life is enough noise.

“Why?” Yeojin smiles wider, tilting her head with her question, and I can admit that she would make a cute junior, but Wendy would be here any moment from now.

“I took a leap year,” I say distractedly, as I look behind her distractedly, dialling Chuu’s number before I could second guess myself. The phone rings and I look back at Yeojin who has already folded her apron, she’s looking at me curiously.

“Why?” she asks again, she’s shrugging on a jean jacket, her backpack ready to be picked up from the floor.

“Because I’m young and rich-” the call connects and I’m about to greet Chuu when a hand snatches my phone away. I was ready to protest, an angry remark already on the tip of my tongue, but when I turned to yell at the person, it was Vivi Unnie.

“Gowon?” she says with exasperation. I hate the fact that I couldn’t even say anything. She’s looking at me with her disappointed face. Her hands clasped in front of her and lips in a pursed line. All I can do is duck my head in apology, sighing as I wait for Vivi Unnie to admonish me.

“Yeojin?” she asks in surprise instead, and when I looked back-up it’s at Yeojin that her gaze is directed at, “I thought you were with Choerry today. Haseul already left.” There’s a slight tremor to Vivi Unnie’s voice, her gaze soft and mellow, and when she looks at Yeojin, it’s almost like she wishes Yeojin would lie to her about why Haseul Unnie left earlier.

“Choerry had some dance thing that she needed to attend to,” Yeojin shrugs at Vivi Unnie, her voice believably dismissive, “And I had to take care of something before leaving. I already told Haseul Unnie to go without me,” looking at her watch, Yeojin shakes her head, “I need to go now Unnie, I’ll see you later.”

I can almost feel the relief course through Vivi Unnie when she smiled at Yeojin. Yeojin leaves with a hug from Vivi Unnie, a little skip to her steps, humming as she leaves me to my fate of being chastised. But I’m surprised when Vivi Unnie only smiled at me, leaving while waving my phone at me, and a remark about getting my phone back after work. I nodded a small smile on my lips, watching her walk back out. 

Dealing with workplace drama is wild. I was about to take my other phone out my bag when I spotted Wendy looking for me, I groaned, already walking back to my post with my customer service polite smile. I feel like work would be a drag today.

_“Haseul are you alright?” Jinsol asks with concern etched on her face as she sets her coffee down the desk. Haseul had been alarmingly quiet the whole lecture. The whole day, even during the lunch period, and even during the whole walk to the library. Jinsol had gone out to buy herself coffee so they can work on their assignment together this night, but when she returned to the library, Haseul remained on her seat with the same faraway look on her face. _

_ “I think I’ve fallen in love,” Haseul murmurs, her face everything but happy, there’s a note of regret in her voice. A sound that Jinsol is very familiar with. _

_ “Is it Vivi?” she asks, teasing Haseul, but with the hopes that she isn’t right. Jinsol already knows what would happen if Haseul was. And when Haseul nodded in assent, a weak smile plastered on her face, Jinsol felt her heart squeezed with the need to comfort Haseul. _

_ “Do you want to go somewhere else?” Jinsol asks softly, her Haseul nods, her eyes had gone watery, her every breath shaky, and when Jinsol saw how Haseul is struggling to keep her sobs at bay, Jinsol leaned in to enclose Haseul in an embrace. _

_ Through the years that they have known each other, this is the first time that Jinsol had been the one to comfort Haseul. She had been too good at holding herself together for everyone’s sake. She had been too adamant on being strong enough that she has forgotten that she could feel for her own sake._

“Are you doing your homework?” Gowon asks as she plops down her bed. Work has been exhausting. Haseul Unnie didn’t come to the restaurant during lunch so Vivi Unnie had been stewing with her worry all day, it didn’t help that it was Yeojin who came to close the restaurant. The whole staff had been nervous about the new development in Haseul Unnie’s love life, apparently, it’s been too long since they’ve seen Haseul Unnie genuinely smile when she’s at the restaurant, and Vivi Unnie was more reserved than usual. Work was exhausting.

“I’m done with it,” Olivia murmurs after smacking her pen down, turning to me with a curious look on her face, “You want to play Mario kart with me?”

“Let’s go,” I groaned, straining to get myself out of bed and back to my feet. Olivia has taken the time to introduce me to video games. I think she enjoys watching me lose, and my pride wouldn’t let me rest until I could wipe the smug look on her face every time she wins our games. And playing games with her would help me release some of my frustrations. 

We were about to start our game. Our consoles were ready. Our characters are chosen. I was going to play Princess Peach. Olivia has chosen to play as Donkey Kong. We were huddled on the bean bag with no space between us for maximum chances to shoulder each other during the game when we heard the unmistakable sound of yelling outside. 

Normally, I would have been scared, as my initial reaction had been to clutch at Olivia’s hand and to let go of the console, but when Olivia squeezed my hand before standing up, I felt at ease enough to listen to the voices yelling outside. Olivia looked concerned, her steps were hurried, and I would have shouted at her to come back, but when I listened a little harder, the voices became familiar. It was the voices of Jinsol and Haseul unnie. 

They always start yelling strange things when they get drunk, I saw it the last time I had to work the night shift. Jinsol was sobbing and Haseul unnie was there to rub her back. It would seem like tonight is the opposite of that night. When we got to the door, Olivia only opened it slightly. 

“LOVE IS A SHAM!” They both chorus, “PEOPLE IN LOVE ARE CURSED!”

They were all over the place. Laughing and almost falling over. And now I know why Yeojin was the one to close the restaurant. Olivia sighed, running her hand through her hair, she began to open the door wider. She approached them without hesitation, looking almost ready to smack the both of them, and the moment she got close enough for them to see her. They both smiled brightly at her, tackling her and smothering her with their combined weight.

“Baby Hyeju,” Haseul slurs, crooning as she hugs Olivia harder, “You were such a cute little kid. Look at you being taller than the both of us now.”

Jinsol was nodding along to Haseul, petting Olivia’s hair, and Olivia just groans, readjusting her grip on both of them. It was a little hilarious watching her struggle, but then Jinsol was starting to slip off from Olivia’s grip, and without thought, I’m suddenly beside her, helping Haseul off her. She looks at me in surprise, and I offered a smile, nodding in the direction of Haseul’s door. She smiled at me, shaking her head with amusement and mixed exasperation on her face, and there’s a little twinge of something that reminds me of that day.

_ Chaewon accepted the coat from the girl, before huddling closer to the girl to lay the coat on her legs that had looked pale from being exposed to the cold rain, and when the girl looked at her in surprise and mild confusion, Chaewon just shook her head with a smile. The girl chuckles, the rain has made her hair unruly, but her bangs are almost flattened to her forehead. Chaewon reaches to fix the girl’s bangs, creating a little curtain to her forehead, smiling as the girl continued to look at her with mild curiosity. They smile at each other, before looking away, listening to the rain as it continues to pour. _

_ “I think,” The girl says after a moment of pause, and Chaewon is looking back at the girl again. Chaewon takes the time to map the girl’s features, her eyes a beautiful brown that reminds Chaewon of hot chocolate and warm blankets, and her face a little round with youth. When Chaewon closes her eyes for a moment, the sound of the girl’s voice envelops Chaewon with a memory of fire crackling. She sounded like a distant memory to Chaewon. A familiarity that reminds her of everything warm that wards off the cold. “People just want to live their lives the best way they can. Even when they know that it’s just for a moment.” _

_ Chaewon nodded, her eyes had gone bleary, she felt strangely warm and sleepy. She leans her head on the other girl’s shoulder, closing her eyes with a sigh, as she lets herself bask on this moment. This moment that will end as the rain will soon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all pray that my laptop's hard drive isn't damaged 😣. And for Loona comeback soon. And that I wouldn't experience more mishaps this month, please 😩😩. 
> 
> AND WATCH DICKINSON!!!!!! For those of you people with apple phones! Or know how to access Apple tv+! As an English major, I felt the need to share this information! EMILY DICKINSON LESBIAN!!!! EDIT JUST WATCH FOR EPS 1-5 and remember to wait for Wild Nights with Emily (Another Emily Dickinson Film)


	8. Changing for the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuu learns. Jinsol cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> News for celebration: LOONA won AAA!!! 🥰🥰 I have my laptop again!! It's the season for Mariah Carey soon!!!!
> 
> In other news: I'm dying from school. I need to get my head out of my ass and study harder. I'm very busy so I'm sorry if I can't update that much often. 
> 
> Anyways, happy reading folks!!!! 🥰🥰

_ The setting sun’s light is streaming through the window, it’s a magnificent shower of gold and red, it glows and bounces off Jinsol’s hair. It bathes her in a halo of serenity, a glow that amazes Chuu when she looks at her, and it makes her think that Jinsol is golden at this moment and she is everything beautiful. _

_ The silence stretches between Chuu and Jinsol, and there is a change that they can both feel from the times that they had spent outside the confines of this room and of how it fills the silence between them. It is a silence different from the understanding that they have shared before. Chuu watches Jinsol as she smiles lazily at her, her lips pouting as if in thought before rifling through her notes, peering at Chuu through her notes a second after exclaiming in delight. _

_ “Name three things we have in common,” Jinsol speaks softly, leaning back in her chair with a small smile tugging on her lips, and Chuu watches her with the same understanding from when they first met. It was a moment shared by glances and smiles that had hidden a lot of Jinsol’s thoughts. _

_ “First, we already understand the beauty of dating,” Chuu recounts with a wry smile, a finger tapping her chin, huffing before she smiles widely again. “Second, we both waited for the right one for us,” she pauses then to gaze at Jinsol’s eyes with a smile that alludes to the moments they have shared to reach this moment, “And…” _

_ (Dating Class) _

**Jeon Heejin**

“Understanding who you are is one of the most important things in a relationship. Unfortunately, can you see yourself objectively?” Professor Jo pauses to look at us, leaning on his desk with a smile on his face. He’s always smiling at us but sometimes, especially on moments like these during a lecture that he seems to pause and look at us to gather his thoughts, I feel a sinking feeling of familiarity to his smile. He looks exhausted.

He shakes his head with a chuckle, charming and funny when he rights himself to walk around his little stage again, smiling at us before responding to his question, “No, we can't.” The class laughs with him. “In that respect, I want you to write down three things you like and one thing you dislike about your current partner before partner switching.” The school bell rings, and he turns to his desk to fix his binders, adding with haste, “And it's due next class period.”

“Yes, sir.” The class answers with a little laugh, all of us already used to how the professor can be absentminded sometimes. 

I watch as the class disperse, moving to maybe go back to sleep in the dorms to wait for their next class meeting- or maybe just because they want to catch up on some sleep and will skip their next class, or maybe I am just thinking about sleep because I feel like I need to rest too. I groan, slumping on my desk in frustration, I want to crumple up my notebook and sleep rather than try to rack up my brain with our assignment. 

Hyunjin is so pretty, and weird but funny, and aloof but attentive- and she’s just everything that contradicts herself and I don’t want to change partners because I just got used to her. I’m sure there will be another period of awkwardness for adjustment and I don’t want to experience that again. Hyunjin is so weirdly perfect. “I don't like how you push the desk all the time.” And I groan again in frustration as I look at the only words that I have come up with during the whole time that I’ve been thinking about what to write as my one dislike on Hyunjin.

“What?” Chuu turns to me in concern, her brows are forming that bridge thing that Jinsol Unnie does when she’s pouting, it’s insanely adorable and unfair. Jinsol Unnie has taken into picking-up Chuu for their 3,000 steps dates, that she has spent a considerable amount of time laying on Chuu’s bed to wait for her, and she has become a staple every week on our room now. I don’t really mind when their chatter gets loud because she’s nice and she also seems tired. I guess architecture’s hard. 

“Ugh…” I gripe, pushing myself off my desk to complain to her. Hyunjin doesn’t pick me up for our 3,000 steps dates but she always walks me back to the dorms. She’s caring and chivalrous in a lot of ways. “It's so hard to come up with a dislike.”

“Why do you worry so much?” Chuu laughs with a shrug at me. “You barely know her so write whatever and be done with it.”

“What did you write about Jinsol Unnie? Your dislike,” I ask smiling at her. She’s looking at Jinsol Unnie talking with Professor Jo and I want to tease her. They have been getting along nicely and Chuu hasn’t told me of any new crush in weeks now.

“She smiles too much.” Chuu answers without taking her eyes off Jinsol. There’s something weird between them. Chuu and Jinsol Unnie have been getting along nicely, but Chuu has been mild with their relationship. No gushing and no tossing and turning in her bed with excitement. Sometimes I would just see Jinsol with her head on Chuu’s lap and they’re just talking. They smile at each other and talk for hours on the phone. It’s weird how they almost always look sombre together.

“Huh?” I exclaim in confusion. “That sounds like a good thing.”

“No, no. Not at all,” she chuckles at me. “She wiped off water from my beer can on our last date and she kept me warm with a blanket when I fell asleep on our last study date, and all those little things don't mean anything.” She sighs, pausing to duck her head, before finishing almost bitterly, “Friends are the best.”

I nod at her response. I don’t want to think about why I understand her sentiment so I glumly look at my list again. I’m ignoring a lot of things in my life because it’s easier right now. A lot of things are easier in life when you only live it at the moment.

“Dislike, dislike… I wonder what Hyunjin wrote about me,” I murmur. It’s easier to contemplate about other matters that remain superficial. It’s easier to not scrutinize things and just let them be. Maybe It’ll be easier if I just ignore it rather than mull over it.

  
  


_ Hyunjin has been staring at her paper for minutes now. Nibbling at her last piece of bread. Her fingers drumming on her desk in frustration. Her face set in a scowl. Hyunjin is too lost on her paper, that she didn’t hear Ryujin close the door and approach her drenched in sweat from her run. _

_ “What's keeping you so busy?” Ryujin asks in place of a greeting. She drops her shirt to the floor, sorting through the pile of newly folded clothes on Hyunjin’s bed to wear, and Hyunjin is used to this that she doesn’t comment on it anymore when Ryujin uses her clothes or eat her bread, instead she turns to Ryujin to point at her dirty shirt. _ Ryujin just scoff _ s before continuing in a teasing remark while doing a hand motion to her face, “You have your we-live-in-a-society face on.” _

_ “What?” Hyunjin asks confused, watching Ryujin pick her shirt off the floor, a white towel draped on her shoulder that she uses to wipe the sweat off of her face. _

_ “Your busy academic face you know! The one that makes it sound like you’re having a British monologue in your head.” Ryujin expounds with a smirk. She picks a white shirt from Hyujin’s clothes, her dirty shirt’s end, that she had picked up from the floor, stuffed in the back pocket of her jogging pants. _

_ “Huh?” Hyunjin pushes her chair from her desk, turning to fully face Ryujin that is now seated on her bed. Hyunjin thinks about how much she would really want to push Ryujin off a cliff if she doesn’t go straight to her point. And if she wouldn’t stop being a slob. They’ve been roommates since high school when she got her sports scholarship for basketball and Ryujin has remained as uncaring as ever. _

_ “I imagine your head going, ‘I am going to pontificate on the machinations of the society and of how we have become beings that exist merely as a cog in a machine’. That kind of thing you know.” Ryujin laughs, chucking her white towel at Hyunjin. Hyunjin exclaims in disgust, retaliating by throwing her stress ball with the sweaty towel at Ryujin. They glare at each other before bursting out of laughter. Ryujin flops on the bed with a sigh, clutching at her sides and Hyujin spins on her swivel chair before sighing. _

_ “You really think I’m weird, don’t you?” Hyunjin says wryly, leaning back on her chair looking at the empty page of her notebook. “Our Dating Class professor told us to write three things we like about our partner and one thing we dislike.” Hyunjin thinks of Heejin smiling and she sighs in resignation. “I guess I should stick to just three, huh?” _

_ “What are you talking about?” Ryujin groans, propping herself on her elbow to look at Hyunjin scribbling furiously before erasing something again on her paper. Hyunjin shrugs and Ryujin accepts that as her answer so she gets up the bed. “Weirdo,” she jibes at Hyunjin before heading off to the shower. _

  
  


I spent the whole two days before our next class meeting trying to forget about our assignment, immersing myself in my other classes, and working out workload distribution for a group presentation. College is exhausting. Every class needs my full attention. Every professor is vying for my apathy or disdain, with only a few exceptions that cannot even ascertain my whole attention. But the worst part about college is how I have lost a lot of time trying to study and have already missed out on the few invitations I received because I don’t have time anymore to spare. But I _have been_ slacking off by watching anime every time I could sneak a few episodes in between studying. 

I have spent too much time watching anime apparently because Chuu has been nagging at me whenever she catches me alone in our room eating ramen or chips again. She has been telling me about how, “_ There are fine lines between self-care, being a responsible student, and becoming antisocial so you can ignore your real problems.” _ And I would only scoff at her every time because I’m fine with how my life is right now. 

And before I can check my calendar to be absolutely_ sure,_ it’s the day of our next dating class schedule, life has caught up to me. I’m sitting in front of Hyujin and I’m starting to think that maybe Chuu is a responsible adult after all. I haven’t had a wink of sleep because I had to finish this assignment and I got too worried because this would be my last day with Hyunjin as my partner. 

“I'll go first,” Hyunjin says with a smile. “Oh, Uhm,” she pauses shuffling through her cards, and I ducked my head to try and hide a smile; she’s acting adorably awkward. She clears her throat to start and I raise my head with a soft smile. “What I like about Jeon Heejin,” she tries to avoid my gaze, her face scowling in concentration, her lips are slow in their movement, almost like she’s trying to force herself to speak the words out, and I would think that she’s irritated by the activity if I did not see the tips of her ears pinken when she said my name. She’s embarrassed, it’s a very cute tick. “ Number one, she's very delicate and has a good memory.”

She pauses from reading, peering at my reaction through her card, and when she sees my wide smile, I see her lips tug upwards as if pleased. She becomes more relaxed, she releases a nervous breath, and her expression ease up a little to let her smile grow. “Number two, she listens attentively. Number three, she's very thoughtful and tries to understand how other people feel.”

I would have kept on staring at her, if she didn’t clear her throat with a little nod to my notes, smiling at me while I try to regain my composure right after when she told me about how attentive I am. My face feels hot and I think staring at her while she talks, is something that Hyunjin shouldn’t count as being attentive. I just get too fixated on her face. “What I like about Kim Hyunjin.” I look up from my notes, I already memorised what I have written. “She is straightforward. She always plans and she is very knowledgeable. She is kind and attentive.”

“Kind and attentive?” Hyunjin looks at me with her eyebrows scrunched, her lips twisted in confusion, and her fingers drumming on the table.

“Yes. Why?” I ask worriedly, and when I look back at my notes, I’m already crumpling them unconsciously because of my worry so I try to flatten it on the table before I hurriedly look back at her. “You don't like it? You want me to change it?”

“No, it's not that,” she cuts me off before I can overthink myself into a panic. She smiles at me softly, leaning closer to me, and it’s almost like she’s blushing when she squeezed my hand on the table, “I'm not saying I don't like it. It's just that no one's ever told me I'm kind and attentive.”

“Well, you know how I tripped and caused you so much trouble. Yet, you say I'm thoughtful,” I murmur, watching her long fingers lying atop mine. I think my face feels hot. “I must say, thank you.”

“How's your hand?” she asks, flipping my hand as if to inspect it of any cuts. She frowns when she sees a faint line on my palm before she starts tracing the old scar from that time I carried the heavy bags to visit him. It feels warm. Her hands feel warm and there’s a sudden sinking fluttering feeling that I feel in the pit of my stomach. And I don’t want to think about it.

“Oh, it's perfectly fine,” I reply with a smile, moving my hand away from the table. I don’t want to think about it. She raises her head in surprise as if she had not realised what she had been doing.

“I'm glad to hear that,” She smiles at me faintly, picking up her notes again to avoid my gaze. “What I don't like about Jeon Heejin,” She chuckled, her voice eases me back to the conversation and I watch her with a smile. “Picky about food.” I snort. I gather that she has guessed my taste in food to be unhealthy already.

“What I don't like about Kim Hyunjin,” I tried to glare at her, my lips I have set in a hard line, but she’s looking at me with amusement; and I’m guessing that I’m failing in trying to make her nervous because we just burst out giggling after I said, “Limitless stamina.”

We share a smile, our gazes locked on each other, and I promise myself that this will be a fleeting moment of contentment that I wouldn’t be thinking about later. I wouldn’t be tossing and turning in my bed because there are things I don’t want to think about. Professor Jo calls for our attention and I welcome it as a distraction. We bow to each other, leaving our seats to look for our new dating partner. There’s a new level of anxiety that I feel gnawing on my stomach, so I set my eyes straight ahead into the podium to try and quell it when I felt Olivia sits beside me.

“Well, you all have a new partner now.” Professor Jo says as he clasps his hands in front of him, smiling at us widely. “Let's give a big hand.” We clap, some even hooting in the back. “Your dating assignment for this week is 'Sharing Your Taste'. Open up your mind. Once you do that and appreciate each other's taste, you will start to see your partner for who they are. I mean…” He does another of his pauses to take his time and look at us. “You need to take the time to understand your differences and similarities. Wouldn't that mean something?” He was about to say something when the bell cuts him off, he sighs folding his hands in front of him, and the class has already started to gather their things. “Don't forget to take pictures! You are dismissed. Thank you.”

  
  


“Hi,” I watch Hyunjin amble towards Sooyoung, she touches Sooyoung's shoulder delicately- “Can I have your number?” Olivia asks, and I have almost forgotten how she’s my new partner. I nod at her dumbly, ripping off a whole page from my notebook where I wrote my number. She looks at me with her usual scowl, her lips pursed as she folds the paper, glaring at me as she goes without giving me her number, a _ thank you or_ even a goodbye. And somehow I felt like it’s for the best that she just left me as she had.

“I was just starting to feel comfortable around Hyunjin,” I lean at Chuu, ruffling my hair in frustration and grumbling as I watch Hyunjin smile at Sooyoung, “And I have to get used to a new partner?”

“Yo, don't sweat it,” Chuu replies with a chuckle, fixing my ruffled hair as she does that whisper yelling that she does, “Remember how you went all hysterical about that underwear incident at first? But you managed to get along.”

  
  


“Don't say that!” I say annoyed while smacking her shoulder to shush at her, “She can hear you.”

  
  


“I want her to,” She pouts at me, “You’re too hopeless if you’re left alone.” Her voice suddenly grows faint, “ And I feel bad. I really do.”

  
  


“I know. Olivia,” I sigh, collecting my things so I can stuff it in my bag, “I'm so intimidated by her.”

  
  


“I'm not talking about you.” Chuu murmurs with that usual voice that she uses when talking to Jinsol Unnie. I look up from fixing my things into the bag, she’s texting something at Jinsol Unnie again, even though she’s only talking to Professor Jo a few feet away from where we are sitting. I just shake my head at her, continuing in my mission to try and make my stuff fit in my bag again.

“I just had to borrow new books at the library,” I scoff to myself.

  
  
  
  


**Kim Jiwoo**

  
  


**Congrats, Jinsol. You and Jungeun, what a coincidence.**

I watch Jinsol fish for her phone out of her pocket as soon as Professor Jo turns his back to check for something. Jinsol looks for me, smiling at me when she finds me, mouthing at me, _ “Thank you.” _

  
  


“Kim Jiwoo?” I turn to the person who called my name, a handsome guy that is smiling at me with a self-assurance that makes his eye crinkles form cute crescents. “I'm Jeong Surok, a fashion design major.”

“Oh, Jiwoo, but people call me Chuu,” I reply with a wide smile on my face, “I'm a Computer Science major.”

“Can I get your number? I'll give you a call later.” He smoothly takes his phone from his pocket, his smile widening as he brushes his hair back. “For the phone call assignment.”

“Yeah, sounds great,” I say handing his phone back to him after I dialled my number so I can have his number to save.

“Bye.” He smiles as he leaves.

“Oh my gosh, he's so cute,” I gush over at Heejin and she looks at me confused with her brows scrunched up, like a lost puppy. I laugh at her, pinching her cheek before running away to my next subject.

The whole day passed with nothing remotely interesting happening after that morning. Our next dating class would be next week and I’m guessing that Surok would have to arrange our date this weekend if he doesn’t want to have any conflict with our class schedules. Jinsol would be having her date with Jungeun then too, I would know because Jinsol is a considerate girl like that. She doesn’t like troubling people. She doesn’t want people worrying over her. She doesn’t want to burden other people. She’s too considerate. She’s annoyingly considerate.

Heejin sneezes and I’m brought away from my thoughts to her for a moment. She’s hunched on our floor, helping me fold my laundry because she got frustrated with how I was doing it. She’s a nice kid. She’s the naive oblivious type of nice. She’s also the annoyingly considerate type like Jinsol. I just hope she will start learning to process things in a healthier way than Jinsol. She’s becoming a hermit and it’s becoming harder to watch her process things on her own. I’m hoping that she would realize that there are people who care about her too. I’m hoping that she would realise how she should start figuring out her feelings so she can actually start moving on.

I sighed as I look down my shorts that I have been crumpling to make it seem like I have been folding it, Heejin has already folded more than half of my clothes, we had our usual chicken and beer night, but Heejin looks more dejected and distracted than usual. It was more of an exhausted gathering than a fun one. She sighs and I felt the need to bring her back away from wherever excavation she had buried her head. 

Every hour that passed since our dating class, she had been acting more and more withdrawn. She has been reluctant to identify the reason why she doesn’t want to change partners for the dating class, when the simple answer would be that, she’s obviously crushing on Hyunjin. She’s very petulant of her feelings, so set on ignoring it, that she had regressed into being defensive the moment that Hyunjin is mentioned. She has been talking about Hyunjin more these days so she had been more on the wallowing mood too. 

Heejin sighs again and I seize my chance. “Argh! Jeez!” I squeal in a false alarm and Heejin screams as soon as my shorts land on her lap. She swats at it, closing her eyes as she flails her limbs everywhere to get my shorts off her lap. When she hears my laugh, she opens her eyes slowly, looking at the offending shorts that lay near her. She glares at me, gingerly picking up my shorts to throw it back at me. I grin at her, “I thought it was underwear.”

“Stop it,” she snaps at me with the same defensive tone that she always uses when I’m trying to get a rise out of her using Hyunjin. She’s blushing and it’s almost like she couldn’t stop her mind from wandering somewhere else.

“Stop it,” I mock her.

“Haha, so funny,” she buries her face in her hands, trying to hide her face that has become more flushed with every passing moment. She glares at me through her fingers, ready to start her tirade on how inappropriate I’m acting about someone’s underwear when my phone rings. I stop laughing, scrambling to get my phone from my bed, and I hush at Heejin who is quick to peek at the caller ID.

“No, no, no. It's a video call,” I say panicky and trying to fix anything I can from my dishevelled pajama look, and when I turn to Heejin, she’s looking at me with a smug look, as if pleased by the sudden turn of events. “How do I look? How's my hair? My lips?”

“They look fine,” she responds giggling.

“Hello,” I answer the phone, waving at Surok with a wide smile, after one last look at my phone’s reflection of me.

“Good evening, Miss Kim,” he responds, smiling at me politely from the other side. He’s dressed as if he’s about to head out, and I’m about to ask him what his plans for the night are when he asks, “Are you home? What are you up to?”

“Uh, I live in a dorm,” I squirm, trying to discreetly swat at Heejin giggling at me, “And I was reading a book.” I hold up a book that I was ignoring, shoved under my bed because I have to do a book report on it, “And you are four years older so you don’t have to be too formal with me.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, his smile becoming wider as if relieved. “Are you free this weekend? I think we should do the dating assignment during the weekend.”

“Yes, I am,” I respond eagerly, looking over at Heejin that had stopped giggling, and has now instead resorted to looking at me with another one of her pensive looks that I haven’t had the time to categorize yet. 

“Do you consider yourself an active person? Or do you prefer more of a quiet and relaxing time?” Surok asks from the other end and I return my attention to him with a smile.

“I like activities,” I answer a little restrained now. Watching Heejin scrutinize my reactions has brought a different level of discomfort that I tried to hide from Surok with a wider smile.

“Okay,” he chuckled, his smile something that can be considered as disarmingly charming, “Just as I thought.” He looks at his wristwatch. “It's getting too late. I should've called earlier. When are you going to sleep, Chuu?”

“Ah, I'm about to go to bed now,” I say while feigning a yawn, “What about you?”

“I'm gonna finish up my work,” his phone’s camera pans to pretty dresses, and I gasped in delight, I kind of forgot that he is a fashion designer, “And I will head to the gym after,” he answers.

“What? Aren't you tired?” I ask, my curiosity piqued.

“Well, to me, exercise releases all the stress of the day,” he answers with a wider smile, he checks his watch again, sighing as he looks at me with an apologetic smile, “Well, goodnight and sweet dreams. I'll see you this weekend.”

“Okay. You, too.” I answer with a smile still fixed on my face, and right after he disconnects the call, I slump over, feeling suddenly exhausted. Heejin had taken up into taking my folded clothes to my closet, all of my clothes had already been neatly folded by the time that I was finishing my call. She is sitting on her bed with her blanket around her shoulders, smiling at me, almost as if she’s not expecting me to be able to stay up for a few more minutes. But I wonder if she was also waiting for her new partner to call, or maybe Hyunjin, or maybe even just waiting for me to finish my call. Heejin is a nice kid. 

I smile at her, snuggling into my blankets, settled already and ready to sleep soundly into the night. Maybe this weekend would be fun.

The days pass in a blur. School his slowly driving closer me into madness, Heejin is getting closer into becoming a reclusive otaku, Jinsol is still agonising over her Jungeun feelings, and my only reprieve from all of my stress is the weekend. Surok and I have decided to meet at a gym. He said something about indoor wall climbing, and I can already feel the nervous excitement settling deep in my gut.

  
  


“Whoa! I've always wanted to try rock climbing,” I exclaimed, surveying the impressive wall that we are about to climb, my feet bouncing almost jittery from where I stand. I turn to him with a huge grin, asking excitedly, “Are you good at this?”

“Umm,“ he hesitates with his answer, amused with how I am acting he places his hand on my shoulder as if to try and calm me down before saying, “I’m not really that good yet.”

“I see,” I replied with a squeak and I turn away in embarrassment. I heard him chuckle so I clear my throat before hurrying over to the woman that greeted us earlier to sign us up for wall climbing. She waves us over with our gears in her hand at us. She’s wearing fitted work-out clothes- really fitted clothes that highlighted her muscles that got me distracted. She laughs when I stumble into her when I tried to take the rental climbing gears from her, she straightens me up, all the while handing over our gears to Surok.

“Surok is literally a semi-pro so I'll leave it to him for giving you instruction on the basics of climbing, however, I will still be present as a spotter, the one that will catch you in case you fall,” she says with a grin, “Have a good time.” 

“Thank you,” I say in a daze.

“Thank you,” I hear Surook say beside me, his eyes already boring into me. I watch her leave with a little awe. Her shoulders are wide, her arms are toned, her back narrows before it presents shapely hips that house a beautiful tush, and even her legs are magnificently formed. She looks so fit. 

“Wow, so you're a pro,” I say, after a few moments of looking at the girl, turning to him with a wide smile. He shrugs at me with a smile before he hands me a pair of shoes. I’m assuming they’re part of the climbing gear because he’s already wearing one of his own. I get down to the floor, sitting while I try to fit my foot inside the shoes, I was never good with tying shoelaces, and I’m considering myself lucky because it didn’t have laces.

“I think they're a bit small on me,” I say, wincing while trying to wiggle my toes from inside the shoes, “My toes hurt.” 

“They are different from what you normally wear. It takes getting used to,” he kneels in front of me, he takes off the shoes, adjusting it before offering it to me, “Slide in your foot again.” “Does it feel okay?”

“Yes,” I replied with a sigh of relief. He stands up with a smile, dusting himself of dirt on the process.

“Oh, another thing, you've gotta keep your nails short,” he says, offering his hand to help me up.

“Why? My nails?” I ask, looking at my nails confused. 

“It’s to make sure that you don’t hurt yourself. Some rock holds are slippery so you need a tighter grip, and long nails can hurt you,” he explains, showing me his blunt fingernails.

“How’s mine?” I ask, showing him my own, “Pass?” 

“Your nails are so small and cute,” he says looking at them with a smile.

“They are?” I ask with a pleased grin, he nods in affirmative before producing tape from his pocket.

“Since this is your first time, you'd better put tape around your hands. Do you know how?” I shake my head no, he smiles wider, offering his hands again, “Come on. I'll do it.”

“Whoa, your hands feel so hard with all these calluses,” I exclaimed, watching him tape my fingertips. His hands feel gruff and coarse, it's a contrast to my softer one that I'm surprisingly fine with.

“I get them from my work. And rock climbing adds more to it, especially on my palms and fingertips.”

“Oh, I see,” I murmur, watching his face. He is concentrating so hard on taping that his brows have started to furrow, he bites his lips when he turned to my other hand; and when I started noticing the little details about him, his face becomes more charming for me. He reminds me of Jinsol when she’s trying to be attentive when I’m talking.

“Done,” he exclaims, smiling widely at me. He_ really _is cute. He pats my head with a huge grin. “Don't be nervous. It's your first time so, let's take it slow.”

“Alrighty!” I exclaim with a huge grim of my own.

After he explained to me what to do, putting up a little demonstration to show me how easy it is, he made me try climbing on the lower parts of the wall to practice my grips. He said something about how it's the most basic to practice my balance first so I won’t fall off the wall.

“Wow, look at you,” he cheers for me, “Left and right. And pull yourself down a bit, and then pull up at once. At once. Grab that one and another one. You're doing great. Bend and spring up to grab the closest one.”

I follow his instructions, feeling my shoulders start to burn. I’m trying to maintain my grip on the rock hold, looking for another to hold. I’m only a foot off the ground but I feel myself strain in trying to keep my balance when I try to look up. “Oh, no,” I cry out in alarm, tightening my grip on the current rock hold with panic when I felt my current position falter trying to reach for the next stone hold. He made it look too easy. “I think I'm gonna fall!”

"Slow down!” I hear the Surok from somewhere near me, I can already see the girl from earlier approach just in case I fall, “You can do it.”

I try to follow his advice, trying to tighten my grip on the current stone hold, but it only made it harder for me, my grip already slipping. “Oh-,” I squeak, closing my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the impact on the mattress from below me. But surprisingly I felt suspended from the air. I opened my eyes slowly with a grimace, and I see Surok over me with a worried look etched on his face, I heave a sigh of relief before murmuring, “Sorry.”

“It's...” he clears his throat, smiling at me now, “It's okay. You did a good job today.” He puts me down gently, offering me his towel. “Anyways, you should go change now so we can head off to our next destination.”

We changed off of our sweaty clothes, Surok being surprisingly slower than me in changing. I guess being a well-groomed guy takes a lot of effort. He’s wearing clothes that scream _ I’m a fashionista, _ he stands with a good kind of confidence, he doesn’t smile too much, and he seems like a pretty reliable guy, which is a nice change from the usual kind of guys that I go out with.

“Now, it's time to go and discover what Kim Jiwoo likes. Where do you want to go?” he asks with his charming grin.

“Well, I kind of like hanging out in a pub, chattering over a glass of beer, and tasty food to accompany it,” I reply giggling, “That's one of my favourite things to do!”

“You're kidding me! It's like you're reading my mind. How did you know I like drinking?” He said chuckling, bumping shoulders with me, walking ahead so he can hold the door open for me.

“You do?” I ask laughing, getting steps ahead of him so I can look back at him. “Really?”

“Of course,” he replies catching up, grabbing my shoulders so he can turn me around, pushing me along the way.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” I say between giggles, “Taking good pictures for my Instagram will be a nice way of ending this great day.”

“I know the perfect place for that,” he lets me go, opting instead to hold my hand, “Get ready to have all your fantasies come true. Follow me, it’s just across the road.”

“Sounds awesome,” I reply giggling, running ahead to drag him, “I can't wait! You're a pro so I'm counting on you.” We walked only a couple of steps, stopping in a beautifully lit pub.

“Yep,” he let’s go of my hand, holding the door open for me again, “You can count on me.”

“I'll be honest with you,” I said, looking around its beautiful interior, “I don't know anything about beer. I only drink canned beer.”

“Okay,” he chooses a spot near the windows for us, pulling my chair for me before sitting on his, “Then we'd better start with something mild. What about the food? Anything you don't like or allergic to?”

“I can eat just about anything,” I reply with a shy smile before trying to hide my blushing face on the menu already set on the table.

“Okay, let me see what goes well with beer, let me see what goes well with beer” he murmured, flipping through his own menu, before calling for a waiter, ordering for the both of us with most of it being his recommendations, and he smiles at me as soon as the waiter leaves. “We can order more later if you want.”

“Cool,” I looked around again, noting how the place looks ethereal with its use of blue glow lights to set the mood, the decorations- mostly the paintings of sunsets and its use of colours, are even beautiful, “Wow, this place is so nice. Do you come here often?

I did before I went to the army,” he responds, before gesturing for my phone, “Hey. Why don't you let me take a picture of you now?”

“Yeah?” I nodded eagerly, fishing for my phone on my clutch bag, and handing it to him with a wide smile, “Okay, go ahead.”

“One, two, three,” he says before snapping a photo of me. “One, two, three.”

“Let me see,” I say, bouncing on my seat with excitement, and I gasped while looking at the pictures he took. He actually knows how to take pretty pictures. 

“You like it?” he asks.

“Oh, I love it. It’s one of the best shots that anyone has ever taken of me,” I reply, already going to my Instagram to update my story, “I think I'm gonna switch my profile photo with it.”

“Hey, Surok! I thought you were in the military.” A guy wearing one of the pub’s uniform approaches us, he’s smiling widely, waving at Surok.

“Oh, hey. I came out last month,” Surok answers, chuckling at the guy who had grabbed an empty seat from the next table to sit on our table.

“You did? How have you been?” The guy, I’m assuming a former senior of Surok, laughs while patting Surok on his shoulder.

“I'm good, I'm good,” Surok replies laughing.

“Your girlfriend?” he asks Surok, his voice teasing.

“No, she's not,” Surok replies, smiling at me as if in apology.

“Sorry about that,” the guy says laughing before gesturing to the paintings that I was looking at earlier, “Do you like those paintings?”

“Yes. they are amazing,” I reply, smiling politely.

“Surok painted all of them,” the guy says patting Surok’s shoulders again.

“Are you serious?” I ask in surprise.

“Yeah,” he replies laughing.

“Come on. It was a part-time job thing before I went to the army,” Surok says smiling.

“Are you being shy?” the guy teases, before straightening up excitedly, “What did you order? I'll go make you something for you.”

“No, it's okay,” Surok says with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Just wait,” the guy laughs again, “I’ll take care of your orders tonight.”

“You painted them all?” I ask as soon as the guy’s gone.

“Yeah, I did,” he says with a wider smile now.

“Whoa,” I exclaimed, looking at the paintings again, before looking back at Surok, and suddenly I can feel my stomach churning, “Excuse me for a minute.”

“Oh, restroom? Go around the corner and you'll find it.” He points to somewhere, and I bow at him with thanks. 

“Is this why girls go for older guys?” I ask myself while looking at the mirror. He knows so much and he's good at everything. And he knows exactly what I want, he’s a nice guy too, from all that I have heard about him the whole day. I shake my head, proceeding instead to freshen up because I felt the need to. 

I come back to Surok and the guy from before with our food already on the table. I watched the guy leave, releasing a sigh of relief because I don’t think I can handle any more of Surok’s talents being revealed tonight before I started walking back to our table. I sit from my previous seat across Surok, smiling at him as he offers me a can of beer, and I accept it with thanks. We chatter for the whole course of our meal, talking about our last assignment with our previous partners when the topic of destiny came up.

“Destiny?” Surok says with a grimace as if scandalized by the whole idea of it.

“Yes,” I reply resolutely.

“You won't date anyone unless he's your destiny?” he asks again, now with a teasing lilt to his voice, his eyes alight with incredulity, and mischief. 

“You know, some people are bound to meet each other no matter what. They are fated. Their love is inevitable,” I say with a pout.

“You mean like you and I met each other by drawing lots in dating class at Myeongseong University here in Seoul, the capital city of Korea?” he says deadpan, now smirking at me.

“Oh, well. You could say that but,” I huff with indignation when I saw how he had started to snicker, “Hey, I'm being super serious here.”

“Okay. I won't tease you,” he says chuckling, smiling at me before proceeding to lean on the table, “Let's say you are right. How do you know he is the one for you?”

“Hmm,” I hum, leaning on my hand with a sigh, “That's something I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps you feel sort of an electric shock? Sometimes I don't think I will recognize who that person would be. But I guess it's not meant to be if you let it slip so easily.”

“Quite frankly,” he leans back in his chair, pushing his hair back with a smirk, “I don't believe in fate and all that junk. I happen to believe you make your _own_ destiny. Or together when it comes to love. All relationships are based on the principle of give-and-take.”

“What? Give-and-take?” I sputter out with undisguised disgust, “That is so not romantic.

“So what? You just sit and wait until the right one comes along? I think you're taking it for nothing,” Surok replies chuckling.

“No, I'm not saying I won't even try. Anyways, you've got to keep meeting people and get to know them before you can hope for the right one.” I reply softly, feeling doubt starting to creep on me.

“Jiwoo, you're the master of your fate.” He leans close again, pointing at me with a smirk, “Your action determines your future. Just as my answers depend on what you say to me.” 

“Well, I guess that makes sense,” I reply faintly with a sigh.

“What I'm trying to say is, just enjoy what you have now. I am sitting here before you. I could be your destiny. If not, I could at least be your guide on your journey,” he says with a grin and I smile at him as a reply.

Our night ends with Surok hailing a taxi for me, ruffling my hair as a goodbye, and with wide smiles on our faces. 

I had the taxi stop near campus. I wanted to take a night stroll, Jinsol hasn’t called for tonight, and I’m worried she’s back on that restaurant again. I’m pretty sure she’s friends with the pretty manager, but I don’t think the owner would like the employees always taking care of a drunk Jinsol. It can only happen for so much until she gets banned.

  
  
  


“Oh, It’s so cold,” I murmur shivering. I look around the streets, rubbing my shoulders as I wait for the streetlights to turn green for crossing. I hear the faint clicking of heels behind me, and I tried to mind my own business, staring straight ahead of me when the clicking stops beside me, and I swear to God I will karate chop Heejin for making me watch that new slasher film this morning. I mean the best time to watch any horror film is during the day because it gets less scary, but it still lingers on the mind. I shiver again, and the person beside me turns to me.

  
  


“Hey!” The voice sounded familiar that I turned too quickly, I almost gave myself whiplash. Sooyoung Unnie from dating class stands taller than me even without her heels, in all her cute dress, and cute smile glory. She’s not even wearing a cat and I still look colder than her. “What are you doing out in the night?” 

  
  


“Oh Unnie, I just got back from my dating class activity date with Surok,” I whisper with a faint smile. “And you?”

“Oh, I got back from theatre rehearsal,” she answers chuckling, now standing closer to me, “Want me to walk you to wherever you need to go?” I can only nod in reply and she doesn’t hesitate with looping her arm with mine. She’s so warm. And she smells like sweet apples. We continue our walk in silence, Sooyoung Unnie occasionally humming a song that I can’t recognize. 

Sooyoung Unnie is pretty popular around the campus, she’s a well-known sweetheart, but she’s never really had a boyfriend, most of the time more girls are gushing over her than boys. She’s good with her studies. She’s a good dancer. She’s really pretty. And she’s very friendly with everyone. She’s a very nice senior to have, but it kinda bothers me sometimes how she’s very cool and nice, and I become kinda subdued around her because nobody knows that much about her.

“Uhm,” I clear my throat, trying not to wince with how squeaky my voice got, “I’ll see you around Sooyoung Unnie, this is my stop. I have to pick a friend up.” I gesture to the restaurant. I can already see Jinsol from the outside window.

“Okay,” she smiles at me, handing me her phone suddenly, “But, can you give me your number so I wouldn’t worry about you not being home yet?” I smile at her nodding. I dial my phone number, watching Sooyoung Unnie name me in her contacts with a wide secretive smile on her face. She looked too pleased with herself that I almost wanted to ask her for a picture, my excuse being that I need something I can use as her contact photo. Almost. I'm glad I can manage my impulses sometimes.

I watch her walk away before entering the restaurant, striding over to where Jinsol is busy staring at her glass of beer. And I’m guessing it wasn’t her first because her gaze is already glazed over with drunkenness. I heave a sigh, rapping on the table to get Jinsol’s attention.

“Oh, hey. Chuu,” she looks up at me with another of her watery smiles. 

“What are you doing here alone?” I ask exasperated, “I thought you were supposed to meet Jungeun today.”

“I was stood up,” she murmurs, downing her glass of beer. 

“What! So you've been waiting here all day?” I exclaimed in alarm. She only nods before proceeding to lay her head on the table. She looks utterly devastated. It’s kind of agonizing watching her. “Jinsol, can I ask you something?” She looks up, nodding her head a little. “Why did you and Jungeun break up?”

“I have no idea,” she whispers, tracing the condensation on her beer glass.

“You don't know?” I ask confused.

“Why do you think Jungeun doesn't like me anymore?” she replies with a little more bite than I expected, chuckling bitterly as she pushes herself away from the table, she heaves a sigh, bringing her hands back to the table before whispering brokenly, “I’m always clueless. I’m a huge idiot who doesn’t know shit about anything.”

“Hey, Jinsol,” I say softly, moving to sit beside her, hugging her as she breaks down again, her whole body shaking with her sobs. I rub her back, trying to soothe her as best I can, I murmur to her, “Do you know what I've learned today? You are the master of your own fate. Give-and-take. In other words, things could change depending on what you give to her. Cheer up.”

  
  
  
  


_ Jinsol smiles at Chuu, looking at how she remains almost the same and yet, there is an evident change to how she is. Jinsol watches Chuu be bathed in the beauty of the sunset. Jinsol watches as Chuu burns brighter than the sun as it sets. She watches the fire that her hair had looked like under the glaze of the sunset; she watches the burning that is fired in her eyes; she watches Chuu release a difference with her breathe. Jinsol watches and she asks, “Name three things we have in common.” _

_ “First, we already understood the beauty of dating.” Chuu taps her cheek, her eyes still bright with something, “Second, we both waited for the right one for us. And…” She sighs and suddenly the fire shifts and the sun has set, “And the last one is that we have changed now.” _

_Jinsol smiles at Chuu, wondering why she feels cold._

  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, Chuu GAY!!!! 🤣🤣🤣 Let's thank Kevin for this one too!!!🥰🥰


	9. Drunken Wiles and Misdemeanors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin feels. Sooyoung's disgusted.  
Heejin is oblivious. Vivi is in denial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Olivia Teaser Day (I don't celebrate the holidays 😂)  
I tried updating last night but the connection sucked. Anyways, sorry if I'm late in updating, I was under the dumps during break. I got wasted too many times. 😐 Just rest assured I'll finish this fic.  
But, let's thank Kevin and happy readings 👍

_ Hyunjin watches Heejin smile. She leans closer with the unknown need to touch Heejin’s face. Her eyes are twinkling under the sun. She shines and she laughs with her smiles. She looks at Hyunjin and she makes her wonder what it is she sees with her eyes. _

_ Heejin lays her head atop her hand, a soft smile on her lips as she speaks with amusement in her deep voice, “If you were given a superpower, if God allowed you to choose an ability, what kind of power would you want?” _

_ “Am I allowed to choose more than one?” Hyunjin asks laughingly, her smile faltering as she looks down the table, her hands playing with her shirt’s cuffs. Heejin frowns, her hands gently prying the fingers to hold it in her own, smiling as she usually does at Hyunjin. They sit with their hands together, Hyunjin tracing Heejin’s fingers, adamant on averting her eyes away from Heejin, chuckling as she speaks, “I would like to have an invisible cloak so other people would not see me.” _

_ Dating Class _

**Kim Hyunjin **

“Is this uncomfortable for you?” Sooyoung unnie asks from beside me and I wince as the nail technician snips at the edges of my fingernail. She nudges at me with her free hand softly, and I smile at her in reflex, “I brought you here because you said you would try what I like.” 

“Well, it's not the best scenario, but I will survive,” I replied, my polite smile strained, and I try harder not to grimace when the nail technician files my nails uncomfortably shorter than it already was. I have always kept my nails blunt because I am a physically active person. I don’t even like the idea of coloring my fingernails. It’s something that I consider a waste of time because I play sports all the time, it’ll always come off or get damaged. It’s something so fruitless. 

Sooyoung unnie smiles at me from her seat, her long hair curled prettily today, her dress something that reminds me of a field of flowers in spring. She shows me her free hand, the one not being snipped, painted a beautiful shade of red, “You know I think even athletes should do their nails, too. It's refreshing and also hygienic to remove your cuticle. You have really long fingers. Maybe you should try some color.” 

“No. No, thanks,” my voice more panicked than I would have liked. I try not to shift in my seat, biting the inside of my cheeks to distract myself from what’s being done to my nails, and desperately trying to keep my eyes closed, exhaling with a shuddering breath from another uncomfortable snip. 

“What's your hobby? What do you like to do?” Sooyoung unnie asks, I look at her and she’s looking at me with her brows furrowed in concern. 

I clear my throat, smiling again as I say, “I like meditating.” 

“You like what?” she asks, her lips tugging upwards with a chuckle escaping her, her free hand immediately goes to cover her mouth, “Meditating?” she laughs, straining to stop her giggles as she looks at me with a hint of pity, “Aren't we glad we decided to do my thing today?” 

“Is that so?” I ask with hesitation, my confusion evident on my face as I look at her. 

She’s not really the first person to laugh at my hobby, but I thought that since Heejin had acted interested when I talked about it last time that maybe it wasn't too weird. 

She nods at me, chuckling as she says, “I think it's nice to talk side by side like this. I've read in a book that men like to sit side by side as opposed to face to face. When someone is sitting face to face, men instinctively perceive them as a target. So they prefer sitting and talking side by side like we are now. What do you think? You think it's true?” 

I shrugged confused, I haven’t really had any reason to think of it, most of the guys I knew were either my clubmates or teammates. I don’t really have any interest in pursuing a relationship that could jeopardize team morale. And there’s the added fact that most people find me too intimidating to approach me as anything other than when they really needed to, Ryujin is the only exception because she’s too lax with everything and everyone. The reason I joined the Dating class was to learn more about being approachable and how to properly communicate with people without making it too awkward because I’m tense in any social activity. 

“Excuse me. Make this a little shorter, please,” Sooyoung unnie smiles sweetly at the nail technician doing her nails- and I’m reminded once again that this is supposed to be a dating assignment about getting to know each other. But I think Sooyoung unnie, with the way that the girl doing my nails are distracted, had already found a way to occupy herself. The girl is already blushing under her gaze. “By the way,” she turns to me suddenly, her smile wide and sweet at me again, “What do you want to eat after this? How about ramen? Nah. Pizza? Or sushi? I'll do some searching,” she feels for her phone, her eyes crinkling softly before returning her gaze to me, “Actually, I've only got one hand. Can you help me?” 

“Sure,” I answer with my own smile, hesitant and overwhelmed in more ways than I should have been as I tried to maneuver myself closer to her so I can hold her phone. 

_ (“Never mind. I've got a better one. Teleportation ability.” Hyunjin says with a smile, Heejin watching her as Hyunjin shrinks more than she would have thought. She’s worrying her bottom lip, her fingers rubbing little circles on the back of Heejin’s hand as she shakes herself back to where she should be, her lips quirking in another smile that Heejin is yet to name.) _

“Would that be…” Professor Jo asks, his smile strained as he looks at us, “Possible? Sharing tastes with each other, it's not as easy as you thought, is it? People are attracted to each other or say goodbye because of their difference or similarity in taste. How do I know this? Because I've been there, done it. The bottom line is you need to learn each other's taste and respect it in a romantic relationship. Got the message?” 

He roams around as he speaks, looking at us with that same knowing gaze that he had when I asked what the class was about when I first met him. He was eccentric then and still he is now, and that is all I wanted to learn how. How he’s capable of being who he is and still have people actively seek him out as a respected teacher, an approachable funny person- and that is all that I have wanted ever since I have realized that people couldn’t talk to me. It’s a good feeling when my teammates respect me in the field, it’s another when they tell me that they think I’m hard to talk to. 

Professor Jo claps, his voice loud to my ears again, “Well, then. Our next step is to test how well you did our homework. Based on the information you've gathered about your partner's taste, think carefully about what your partner might need at the moment, and we'll discuss it in our next class.” 

“Thank you, sir,” the class chorus, shuffling with their things ready to leave already. 

“Good job, guys,” Professor Jo says, he waves his hand and the class erupts into dismissal. 

** _Jeon Heejin _ **

“A gift? What should I get for him?” Chuu sighs, looking at Surok who waved at her goodbye before turning to me, squealing as she squeezes my shoulder giddily, “What do you think he will get for me?” 

“You're really going to do it?” I ask with a little worry, my own attention directed to Olivia, her tall intimidating figure getting-up from her seat to leave the class, “Can't you just say thank you?” 

“No, gotta do something. You have to make sure your new partner feels welcomed,” Chuu chides. I look at her again, ready to pout at her, but her eyebrows are raised already as if she knows what’s bothering me. 

“You really think so?” I sigh, my voice coming out more bothered than I would have wanted, “Do you really think I should do it, huh?” 

“Ew, I really have no clue,” she scrunches her nose in that teasing way she does before pushing me off my seat with one of her wide grins, “Ask her. Go on. Hurry.” 

Olivia was almost at the door, ready to step out with the line trickling down from the huge wave that it had been when the class was dismissed. She’s looking at something on her phone, there was almost a little upward tug to her lips that I can loosely call a smile. Very loosely. She’s still glowering at her phone. And I think that this would only be my only chance if I ever wanted to do this and not act like an awkward mess. 

“Excuse me,” I squeak out too loud in my ears, she looks up from her phone and glowers at me, but she still has that little quirk to her lips so maybe I’m leaving unscathed yet. Maybe I wouldn’t be embarrassing myself. “I really need your help on this. If you could just tell me what you…” 

“What?” she asks, looking almost amused. And, somehow, that made me even more flustered. My mouth opening without a sound coming out, my throat feeling too dry while my brain fumbles for another way of answering her. Olivia actually straightens up, pointing at the board, and I nod dumbly, “Just whatever. I don't really care.” 

“But still…” I never even got to finish my sentence because she had already shrugged at me and just waved her hand. 

“Don't worry about it. I've gotta go,” she mutters. She shoulders her bag, runs her hand on her hair, and is already walking away. 

"Holy moly,” Chuu claps my back, shaking her head with a sympathetic smile, “Is she like some Scrooge or what? It's gotta be tough on you, Heejin.” 

“I'm doomed…” I groaned, leaning to Chuu for comfort. 

“You should still get her something. Nobody says no to a free gift,” Chuu said laughingly, rubbing my back with comforting little circles. I pout at her. 

“Yeah?” I asked sighing. I removed myself from Chuu, sifting for my phone from my shoulder bag so I could look for some potential gift online. “Then what should I get-” 

I was about to turn back to Chuu for advice when she tugs at my sweatshirt, her voice apologetic before she waves at me in her hastened pace, “Sorry, I'm meeting Gowon for lunch for an emergency. See you later.” 

“Bye!” I holler at her. She has already walked away from me with a surprising distance, her short legs quick with their steps. Almost like she’s walking without her feet touching the ground. It’s weird. 

On my way back to the dorms from eating lunch and buying some extra that I could reheat for dinner, I decided to just walk around the little shops along the neighborhood. A little cosmetics shop catches my attention. Or, really, it was just Hyunjin walking around inside, looking frustrated, confused, and growing more out of her wits by every moment, that caught my attention and made me pause in my steps. She looked so frustrated that it was almost adorable. Too much of a good opportunity for me to pass up. And before I knew it, I was already inside the shop and standing behind Hyunjin, who surprisingly has not looked-up to my presence. And it was too much. 

“Hey…” I say light, trying to keep out the mischief and amusement from my voice, “Are you looking for a present for your boyfriend?” 

“It is a present, yes,” she says sounding almost relieved, flustered, and almost too determined in trying to avoid my gaze, “But not for my- I don’t have anyone special.” 

“Ah…” I bite my lip, trying very hard to stifle a laugh. I look at her downtrodden face, her lips pink as she bites into it in frustration, and warmth settles deep in my belly. Realizing that I have been staring at her, I clear my throat before asking, “Then anyone in particular? 

She pauses, looking away from a spot that she had been glaring at, frowning in thought before muttering unsurely, “A co-worker,” she nods, satisfied with herself that I almost felt a little sorry for Sooyoung unnie- that is if she isn’t such a huge flirt, “Someone I work with.” 

My hand immediately goes to cover my mouth, trying even harder to stop myself from breaking out into laughter, “Is your co-worker more of a warm tone or cool tone?” 

“Uh…” her hands pause in poking a product, almost panicked when she looks up from it and her frown deepening, “Pardon me? Tone, you said?” She had started reading at every corner in the box, looking like she just wanted to bolt out the door. 

“What tone?” My giggle breaks out, my voice amused and had returned back to its natural deep tone, “Cool?” 

Hyunjin’s shoulder slumps the moment she had actually turned to look at me, all tension and frustration melting away the moment she looks at me smiling. Her cheeks are red, her eyes smiling and joining me in my laughter with her own soft brown ones. Her hands fiddle with her shirt’s edges, watching me with her wide honeyed eyes. She looks pretty. 

And with that thought my eyes dart away from hers and the different feelings that have settled inside me, and the small silence that we have shared, grows heavier and almost suffocating. I look at the box that she had been fiddling with before I interrupted her, my heart thumping in a way that had already become unfamiliar to me- nervous and almost frighteningly fast. I clear my throat, my voice steadier and lighter than what I’m feeling. I clear my throat, looking at her again, and to stop myself from doing anything that I would regret, I smiled before asking, “Anyways, what are you doing here?” 

“I was trying to buy a present for Sooyoung unnie,” Hyunjin says softly, her presence enough for me to be flustered. 

“Looks like everyone's getting something,” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair, “I am here for the same reason, but I'm totally clueless.” I look at her again, my earlier frustrations this morning returning. 

“Umm…” Hyunjin’s still fiddling with her shirt, her eyes nervous and earnest as always, “Will you help me then? I will give you a hand, too. I have a team-mate that’s from Olivia’s major.” 

“Sounds good. Sooyoung unnie probably has plenty of cosmetics. How about a diffuser?” I sift through the shelf that Hyunjin has been glaring at, my eyes looking for a famous brand that Sooyoung unnie probably uses, “It can never go wrong.” 

“Diffuser? I don't know what diffusers do but…” Hyunjin looks at me confused, her eyebrows scrunched up, smiling at me hesitantly, her eyes looking relieved, “I'm sure they are good if you say so.” 

“This one smells nice and looks like something Sooyoung unnie would like,” I lean close to Hyunjin, spraying some to my wrist from the small testing bottle for her to smell, smiling as she grips the back of my hand delicately to raise it closely to her face. She inhales softly, her breath warm as she exhales on my skin, my breath catching as she closes her eyes. I felt my whole face flush, my voice trapped somewhere within me. 

She nods, satisfied. She grins at me, letting my hand go as she leans closer to hold the other with the bottle that I have chosen. “It does, doesn't it?” She looks at the box, smiling as she chooses another one to purchase. “Okay. We are done with Sooyoung unnie's present.” 

“What are you going to get me?” I ask, surprising even myself with the ease that I have spoken. Hyunjin’s looking at me surprised. Her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. 

“What?” her hand fidgets with the box of Sooyoung unnie’s gift, “Get you what? Like a present?” 

“Nothing for me? Now, that's harsh,” I scoff faking offense, punching her shoulder lightly in teasing as I shake my head in disappointment, “We were pretty good partners. I guess it's all in the past now, huh?” 

“No, it's not like that,” she shakes her head, her voice panicked as she tugs at my shirt. 

“Really?” I ask, my eyebrow raised. 

“Sure,” she nods at me, earnest as she points at the shelves beside us. “I want to get a present for you, Heejin. What do you like? Pick whatever you want.” 

“Hmm...” I scour the shelf where I picked Sooyoung unnie’s gift, looking for one of the priciest products. “I like…” I grab an expensive box of perfume, my cheeks hurts from trying not to smile too much, “This one.” 

“You are...” She pauses, squinting at the price tag as her fingers fiddle with it, looking between me and the box as if trying to weigh something “Being serious here, right? 

“Of course, I am. Are you not buying this for me?” I ask pouting, tugging at her shirt to maximize the effect. 

“Yes, I am,” she said resolutely, nodding her head as she straightens her posture as if asserting something to herself, “I will buy it for you. It's all yours.” 

“I was just kidding,” I say giggling, squeezing her shoulder to stop her from really buying it for me, “Relax. You were really going to buy it?” She ducks her head as if embarrassed, my heart beating with how flushed her face had become, my own growing warmer with every second that I stare at her honest face. “You are so gullible,” I mutter in admonishment. 

“Hey, that was mean!” she whispers, indignant as her face slowly breaks out into a smile. We stare at each other, sharing a moment of nothing that can be named- warmth spreading deep in me before we broke out into giggles. Laughing at each other as my grip on her tightens. 

“By the way…” I sigh, my giggles dying down as I look down on the floor, feeling a little embarrassed for some reason, “I don't know anything about Olivia. What should I get her? I'm completely lost.” 

“Hmm…” She looks at me in interest, her head cocked to the side in contemplation. “Olivia is a sculpture major, right? Sculpture requires a lot of handiwork and that leaves your hands dry all the time. How about hand cream?” 

“Oh…” She passes by me, looking for the aisle where she must have seen it before, and I’m following her behind as she picks one that smells a lot like her hand, “I'm impressed. How did you know?” 

“As I've said, one of my club mates share her major, and it’s like a general rule to take care of your body when you are an athlete,” she replies, shrugging as she applies a small dollop on my hand, massaging it as she speaks. 

“You never disappoint me,” I mutter, watching her hand as it presses softly to mine. I have never really noticed how much smaller mine was compared to her hands. 

“Problem solved then,” she grins at me, slowly putting my hand down as she offers me a little bow of gratitude. “Today, you were a real lifesaver. Thank you so much.” 

“Don't mention it. You saved mine, too,” I replied with a smile of my own. 

“Well, then,” she pauses to clear her throat, clasping her hands in front of her, ushering me outside as soon as we have paid for each of our gifts, “See you soon.” 

“Eh? You're not going home?” I asked in confusion, trying to ignore the nugget of disappointment that I am feeling. I remembered how she used to walk me back to my dormitory after our walks/dates. 

“Ah,” she mutters as if she’s disappointed herself- and I had to shake myself, trying to smile wider as I listen to her continue speaking, “I have to make a quick stop at my friend's place.” 

“I see. Take care,” I say, uncertain and nervous as I watch her bite her lip again as if in frustration. Hyunjin stands before me and somehow, I feel like we are both waiting for something. I don’t know what it is but it bubbles beneath her honey brown eyes. 

“I'll see you in class,” she says instead, sighing as she waves at me goodbye, and I watch her start her walk the opposite direction from our usual path. My smile strained as she looks back again to wave. I wave back, feeling cold as I walk back to the dorm. I felt like I just missed something. 

_ “TGIF!” Yeojin yells over the counter at Haseul who is already nursing her third tequila shot for the night, her eyes glazed, and her face split in a wide grin as she tries to shake off her latest shot. Viví watches her concerned, biting her lower lip as she watches Haseul lean on Jinsol for balance, Vivi’s stomach churns and the feeling becomes heavier as she watches Jinsol’s arm wound around her waist. Jinsol shifts from her seat to let Haseul lay comfortably on her, and almost as giddy as Haseul when she laughs while gazing at each other, their voices loud as they repeat what Yeojin has been yelling, “TGIF!” _ _ “What does that even mean?” Vivi asks, trying to avert her gaze away from Jinsol and Haseul, their bodies almost melting into each other. _

_ She directs her gaze on Yeojin and Choerry, laughing cheerfully as they yell the phrase. She watches them pass a juice box, pretending to chug it as if it were beer, and laughing when Yeojin sputters out her drink, coughing when it went down the wrong pipe from laughing too much. Choerry snorts at her, rubbing her back while wiping her face with a dishtowel. They smile at each other, Yeojin passing the juice box to Choerry. _

_ Vivi grows mildly confused by Yeojin’s more enthused behavior from her usual; stomping and banging on the counter-top, chanting as Choerry complies with her request to chug the drink. Viví is almost convinced that they had been sneaking sips from the tequila bottle if she had not been with them since Haseul had decided to drink with Jinsol again. It's becoming worrying how their drinks had increased in frequency, it's almost every other day after closing time, and now even the intensity of their drunkenness had worsened. Vivi frowns at the thought, biting her lip, glancing furtively at Haseul again. She doesn't have time to dwell on the thought as Haseul turns to her. _

_“Oh! I know what that means!” Haseul says excitedly a moment after watching Yeojin choke on her drink, climbing over the countertop to Viví, Jinsol quick to get the bottle, the shot glass that they have been sharing, and the bowl of lime away from Haseul’s struggling figure. She heaves herself off the counter and Viví is quick to help her when_ _she sees Haseul almost fall off. Haseul laughs as Viví steadies her on a stool, her hand warm on Vivi’s arm, her breath smelling of tequila, lime and something uniquely Haseul. It's driving Viví dizzy. Haseul laughs, her hands dragging away from her arms to cup Vivi’s face, drawing closer as she whispers drunkenly, “It means Tongue Goes In First, I read it on twitter last night.”_

_ “Unnie!” Choerry yells scandalized, Vivi flushes, Jinsol slings her arm around Yeojin as they double over in laughter from across the counter. Choerry sighs, rubbing her forehead as she says with exasperation, “It means Thank God It’s Friday. I think Yeojin should put the parental lock on again.” _

_ “Hey!” Haseul protests, pouting as she tries to balance herself, leaning on the counter, swaying from Vivi, her hand shooting away from Vivi’s face as she tries to point at Choerry with her drunken fingers. “I’m older than Yeojin! And-” Vivi smiles, going behind Haseul, rubbing her shoulders to calm her off another one of her long tirades about being a respectable adult. Haseul sags at Vivi’s touch, turning her head with a wide smile on her face, sighing happily at Vivi as she fully turns to embrace her. _

_ Vivi stiffens for a moment, ready to disentangle herself from Haseul and her warmth when Haseul buries her head on the crook of her neck, breathing deeply and her lips brushing softly on Vivi’s skin. Vivi’s breath hitches and Haseul’s hold on her tightens, her hands splayed on her back. Viví shudders, panic settling deep with every passing second, an eternity having already passed for her in her mind's eye. _

_ “You feel really soft Unnie,” Haseul rasps to her ear, her warm breath sending shivers to Vivi’s spine. Time has ceased now. The earlier heaviness on her stomach at the sight of Jinsol and Haseul being chummy is replaced by a fluttering feeling that travels to her heart, threatening to burst with every moment that passes with Haseul’s lips brushing over her skin, her hands traveling to Vivi’s hips leaving tingling sensation in its wake, and Vivi’s breathing grows heavier, ready to combust with every swipe of Haseul’s thumb as she plays where skin meets her jeans while her fingers grip Vivi’s hips to steady her. _

_ Vivi would wonder if maybe she was the one drunk. Her throat has dried with want, her whole body flushed with Haseul’s intoxicating smell, her ears deaf to everything but Haseul’s breathe, her eyes squeezed shut as she waits in anticipation, and her head dizzy with everything Haseul. Her whole body is in a fire that Haseul is stoking. Everything Haseul- that is suddenly pried away from her. _

_ “I’ll take her off you,” Jinsol chuckles and Vivi bites her lip to prevent herself from whining at the loss of Haseul’s weight off her. Vivi clears her throat, biting her lips as she smiles softly at Jinsol, her cheeks flushed as she watches Haseul try to grab at her, pouting when Jinsol swats at her hand. Vivi giggles, turning her eyes away from the sight before her, trying to shake herself off the feeling of how moments ago she was ready to- She cuts the thought off, settling her eyes on Yeojin and Choerry swatting at each other, laughing and giggling as they tease each other. They fall into each other, stumbling as Yeojin falls clumsily on top of Choerry while trying to chase her with a dirty dish towel. They stare at each other, Choerry balancing both of their weight from actually falling over the floor, her free hand reaches over Yeojin’s flushed face to tuck stray strands of brown hair back to her ear, smiling softly as they gaze at each other, Yeojin blowing Choerry’s purple-dyed hair off her face. _

_ Vivi watches them, something churning in her heart as Choerry yells indignant when Yeojin swipes the dirty dish towel on her cheek. Watches as they giggle at each other, laughing when Choerry’s grip on Yeojin loosens and they fall to the floor. _

_ Vivi watches them, wondering; wondering if they knew what their shared gazes mean; wondering what the heaviness that has settled again in her; and wondering if she could keep pretending to be oblivious. Wondering if she could keep acting like she’s ignorant of what she really feels. _

“Hey, you're back!” Chuu greets me, she’s sitting on her bed, looking exhausted- which I’m guessing her earlier talk with Gowon unnie had been cut shorter than they had planned. But as soon as she saw that I’m carrying more than just a bag of take-out she seemed like she had forgotten her earlier exhaustion because she excitedly lunged at the bag that contained my gift for Olivia. “What's that? You already bought a gift?” 

“Yeah, I found something,” I say trying to be nonchalant, choosing not to mention who helped me choose it because there’s no doubt that she would be teasing me about it. “It's not much, though.” 

“Eww,” she wrinkles her nose, looking at the hand cream that Hyunjin chose, and there’s a prickly feeling of defensiveness that came with offense when she did that. Hyunjin chose a good gift. I was about to open my mouth in protest when she shrugged, choosing to help me instead with the other bag of food, something that I should have been prepared for because, even though Chuu had already come back from lunch with a friend, she’s still hungry somehow. I guess I will be eating my hidden stash of ramen for later. 

“Anyways, what should I get for Surok? Give me an idea, eh?” she asks, already rummaging through my take-out bag. 

“Umm... let's see-” The sound of Chuu’s cutesy call ringtone interrupts me. 

“Sheesh,” she gestures for me to be quiet. Her smile wide as I huddle close to her. Which is all really for nothing because I can hear nothing aside from Chuu’s side of the conversation where she’s almost vibrating from excitement. “Hello? Yes. Right now? No, not at all. I was doing my homework but couldn't concentrate anyway. Okay.” 

“Surok?” I asked the moment the call has ended. 

“Yep. I'll be back soon,” she replies with a huge grin, the take-out already forgotten. She waves at me, giggling as she tries to arrange her bangs, straightening her sweater as she skips to the door. 

_ Sooyoung sighs as she looks at Gowon. She looks better than usual. She smiles easier. Her eyes are quick to form crinkles that her aunt would have admonished her for because it would mar her small doll-like face. She was the prettiest little girl that her family loved to parade around. _

_ “It’s easier to be happy now Sooyoung unnie. Olivia’s a nice roommate,” Gowon says with her soft voice. She blows at her hot cup of coffee, watching the small cloud of vapor draw away from her. _

_ Sooyoung nods. They sat in silence, watching the few people mill about around the small campus ground. Sooyoung watches Gowon’s small figure. She looks glowing. The moon casting an ethereal glow on her blonde hair, her small figure hidden beneath a large coat, one that Auntie would have hated to look at because it doesn’t compliment her “little princess aesthetic”. She sits straight as ever but she rests her hand on the table, drumming a melody familiar from their younger years. She’s everything that Sooyoung could remember from when they were small children running around empty halls, but she has grown older with a softness that’s easier for her now. _

_ “Ugh! What's wrong with my face? It looks the same as always.” Jiwoo’s loud voice catches their attention. Their heads turning from where she’s standing, their seat from a small bench near the entrance of the fashion department allowing them to observe her freely. Gowon’s smiling again, looking almost ready to call on Jiwoo when she sees Surok. _

_ “Unlikely,” Surok says with a lopsided grin on his handsome face. “Hey.” _

_ “Hey, there,” Jiwoo says, tucking a strand of her behind her giggling as if abashed. _

_ “Hi,” Surok offers her a bag, smiling at her, “Take this.” _

_ “What is it?” Jiwoo asks excitedly. _

_ Surok shrugs, holding it against him as he looks at Chuu, “Don't get your hopes up, I don't know if you will like it. I thought of you and made it in my spare time.” _

_ “Can I see it?” Chuu squeals, sounding more excited with what Surok said. _

_ “Yeah, here,” Surok gives her the bag finally, watching Jiwoo open it with unguarded anticipation. _

_ “Wow, it's beautiful,” Jiwoo gasps, looking at an ugly jacket- Sooyoung wouldn’t say it to Jiwoo, because she thinks Jiwoo genuinely cares about the thought behind the gift, but she thinks it’s an abomination with an ugly shade of marigold orange. _

_ “You wanna try it on?” Surok asks, smiling relieved at Jiwoo’s appreciative gaze on the jacket. _

_ “Sure,” Jiwoo says earnest, removing her cute lilac sweater before handing it to him so she could wear the jacket. Surok helps her put it on, his hands staying on her shoulders as she buttons it up. It has puffy shoulders and Sooyoung hates it even more. _

_ “Whoa, how did you know I like the color orange?” Jiwoo asks, giggling as she hugs herself. _

_ “It fits you perfectly,” he says looking happy with himself, his hands making corrections on the shoulders. _

_ “You do have a good sense of style,” Jiwoo says smiling. _

_ “I didn't know your size so I kind of guessed it. I couldn't ask you straightforward. I'm so relieved it fits you.” Sooyoung wanted to say something along the lines of how much weirder that confession was. Creepy how he looked at Jiwoo and started taking mental notes on her body’s measurements. _

_ “I’m very touched by it. Thank you so much, Surok,” Jiwoo looks at him blushing, her voice small and soft as she bgan to play with the hem of the jacket. “This is the best gift ever. For real!” She giggles, Surok hands finally falling from Jiwoo’s shoulders to hand her sweater back and she accepts it with a wider smile, “I'm gonna wear it now.” _

_ “You mean that?” Surok asks, his hands stuffed in his jean’s back pockets. _

_ “Yes,” she says as if eager to please him. _

_ “Promise?” he offers her his little pinky. Sooyoung hates it. _

_ “I promise,” Jiwoo happily obliges. _

_ Gowon watches Sooyoung and she wonders since when did Sooyoung know Chuu. It’s a strange sight to watch her cousin become the little girl who doesn’t like sharing again. _

_ (“Ability to win a girl's heart. Well…” Hyunjin looks at Heejin with a little frown on her face, her hands fiddling with her shirt’s cuffs again as if she had remembered something, “Or to comfort her?”) _

I was laying down on my bed, trying to pass-off time before I could start doing my homework. I should really just call it a moment of weakness. Or maybe “_ moments when Chuu is not in the room to admonish me when I’m wallowing” _. I’m scrolling through his feed again. He had a new haircut. There’s still a pang that I feel when I look at him. He looks- 

“No! This can't be happening,” I shout at my phone, horrified. Frantically trying to undo the like that I had given on one of his most recent posts. 

_ (“Let me take it back. Ability to find the right timing,” Hyunjin sighs, looking at Heejin apologetically, “I’m sorry... what am I saying here?”) _

The heart disappears from the screen and I slump in relief. Burying my head on my pillow groaning before startling when my phone rings. My heart beats fast, scared and nervous as I look at who’s calling. 

**(Hyunjin, Chemistry major) **

Confused, I hurriedly answer the phone before the call could end. “Hello? Is it too late?” Hyunjin’s voice answer as soon as the call connected. 

“Sorry?” I asked, growing more confused as I listen to Hyunjin. She sounds a little slurred. 

“I'm calling you at 8 o'clock sharp like I always do,” I hear Hyunjin groan. It sounded like she’s leaning on something. 

“Is this our phone call assignment?” I strain harder to listen to what’s happening from her side. Sitting up from my bed, worried as I hear some rustling again. 

“Yep,” she replies giggling after a while. Her voice sounds hoarse. Gravelly and coarse from her usual calm sound that reminds me of the sea and its waves.

“Are you drunk?” I asked, frowning worriedly. 

“I got so much love from my brothers and friends today. We had soju, beer, and rice wine. We drank so much,” she says chuckling, and I feel myself relax. 

“I'm no longer your-” 

“What did you say?” There’s a burst of laughter from her side before it got quieter, it sounds like she moved away from her group. “I am sorry but I couldn't hear you before.” 

“No, never mind. Forget everything I said before, I'm listening,” I chuckle, laying back on my bed as I close my eyes, trying to see Hyunjin in my mind’s eye. 

“The thing is, I said it all wrong. I shouldn't have mentioned meditation. It didn't come out right. I said some stupid things and now I'm screwed,” she rambles, and I see her looking frazzled, leaning on something as her hands fiddle on something anxiously. It’s a thought that makes me smile. Hyunjin is always so earnest that it’s easy to talk to her.

** _Kim Hyunjin_ **

The noise feels too bright. Can noise be bright? Was it the noise that’s bright? Or maybe it’s the sun that’s noisy. I groan, burying my face under my arm while the other searches for whatever was making the infernal noise. 

“Dude shut your alarm off!” Ryujin yells from somewhere, “You are in no condition to jog today and I still need some sleep!”

“In a minute,” I groan out, preparing myself to at least squint an eye to search for my phone. My eyes hurt, there’s an impending migraine that I can feel pulsing under my skull, and somehow I managed to unlearn all my spatial knowledge because I almost toppled over trying to reach for my phone on the floor far from my bed. Maybe I dropped it last night.

As soon as I have managed to disable all my successive alarms for the morning, I noticed that there’s a notif for an unread message from someone. The time stamp read late last night from Sooyoung unnie.

** _(Were you busy last night? _ **

** _ You didn't call me or answer my call.)_ **

** **

** _(I did call you.)_ **

I was about to press reply before slumping back down the bed to try and ease some of my headache as I open my recent calls history. 

_ (“Like in the movies,” Hyunjin watches Heejin gaze at her intently; looking at her like she’s saying something of importance, “I'd like to be able to turn back time.”) _

** _(Recent calls:_ **

** _ Heejin) _ **

“I'm screwed,” I lament into my pillow before sighing, “Damnit.” 

“Yo, what's the matter?” my brother asks, he’s already up and rummaging through the apartment. It seems like I should have followed his teachings when we were younger, and maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have made a fool out of myself because I couldn’t handle my alcohol last night. 

“Try to keep it down, will ya?” Ryujin throws a pillow at my brother’s general direction. She missed.

“I made a huge mistake. I was supposed to call the other one. I ended up calling Heejin. Not only that, I was wasted. I must have said really stupid things,” I prattle on anxiously, my hands fidgeting with my pillow. I wish meditation can still work. It’s never failed me this hard before.

“Is it a _ ♪ You are my destiny ♪ _ kind of mistake?” my brother asks, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Oh my, maybe Ryujin is right for once in her life and you’ll finally get a girlfriend.” 

“No. Shut up. It doesn't help. Not at all.” I bury my head to my pillow. It won't go away even if I meditate all day. It's stuck in my head all day long. Literally, all day long. And Heejin must be out there somewhere just as horrified as I am because she had to listen to my drunken ramblings. She had always been too nice. And that is the reason why she hadn’t ended the call. She’s too nice. And pretty. _ Fuck. _

_ “No, no, no!” Heejin groans into her bed, her laptop almost falling off her bed when she shook it with frustration. _

_ “Why? What's wrong?” Chuu asks worriedly. _

_ “Tell me it's a dream," Heejin begs almost crying. _

_ “What is?” Chuu hurriedly hugs Heejin, rubbing her back to try to calm her down. _

_ “Saul Leiter's exhibition. I thought booking was today but it turns out it was yesterday. It's sold out already,” Heejin whines, burying her face on Chuu’s shoulder. _

_ “You know you suck at those things,” Chuu exhales in relief, hitting Heejin lightly as she takes the laptop away from Heejin’s loosening grip, “And drop the laptop and start making use of a mobile device.” _

_ “Don't make fun of me,” Heejin pouts at Chuu, giggling as Chuu moves to poke her cheek. _

_ “You should've asked me for help. I'm good at getting tickets. I'll help you next time,” Chuu says chuckling. _

_ “Thanks.” Heejin was about to hug her in gratitude when she took notice of Chuu’s jacket. “That looks new. Did you buy it?” _

_ “No, Surok made it for me,” she brags, presenting her jacket to show how cute she thinks it is. “What do you think? It's pretty, isn't it?” _

_ “You know they say fine feathers make fine birds,” Heejin says instead, noting the sentiment behind the gift as it had been intended. Surok’s trying to date Chuu. Like the others really. He’s the third to try this month. _

_ “Duh,” Chuu blows a raspberry at Heejin, obviously pleased with herself and of Surok’s interest. _

I was trudging back to the dorms from my jog around the campus, the sun has set an hour ago, when I saw felt something cold touch my sweaty neck. I don’t really listen to Ryujin that much when it comes to my limits. Which maybe I would have followed on a normal day but I needed a distraction. A distratcion that wouldn’t make me do anything stupid. Which is a testament to how distracted I really am that I almost elbowed the person who pressed the can of cold drink to me. It’s Heejin. 

I paused, straightening my back as I look at her almost eye to eye. She must have just finished a late class. She’s wearing her impractical heels again. She looks tired.

“Do you have time tonight? It will only take a few minutes,” Heejin smiles at me, her grin wide as she offers me the second can that she has with her, “Here…” 

“Thanks. Well…” my fingers fidget with the can she just gave me, every fiber of my being vibrating and ready to flee the scene, “You know, last night... It was… I made a big mistake and probably made you very uncomfortable. I see why you wanted to see me-” 

“It was fun!” she interrupts me, her cheeks becoming that pretty sort of red that travels to her ears. Heejin looks down, tucking a stray hair behind her ear before looking back up at me, “I mean, I didn't mind.”

“That's a relief,” I exhale, my shoulders relaxing as I allow myself to gaze at her openly, my hands almost numb from how cold the drink is and from the general weather. She looks down, grinning to herself and my mouth opens without thought, “What were you doing when I called you? Did I interrupt you or anything?”

“Ah,” her smile dims. She exhales, her shoulders sagging low as her lips turn into a pout, and she says heavy with regret, “I tried to buy a ticket for the photo exhibition. But I screwed it because I got the wrong date.”

“Are you talking about Saul Leiter?” I asked, my hand immediately traveling to my back pocket where my wallet is. I already bought two tickets.

“Yeah! How did you know?” she asks genuinely confused, her eyes wide and her lips open a little.

“You told me a while ago when we spoke on the phone,” I say trying to play it off, my other hand squeezing the can of drink as I feel my nervousness rising. My heart’s beating fast, my sweat coming back as if I have started running again, the cold from earlier replaced with nervous energy running through my every vein.

“Oh, you have a good memory,” her eyes dim, disappointment clouding her face. _ Oh. _

“It must be a bummer. I know how much you wanted to go,” my stupid mouth says instead. I_ really shouldn’t trouble her. _

“Yeah, it is,” she sighs, her long hair spilling off her ear. My hand squeezes the drink again. “So... you know…” Heejin’s looking at me with her wide brown eyes, my heart threatening to swallow me up with every moment that passes. “You know…” 

“Yes?” she asks reassuringly, her hand squeezing my shoulder. My heart’s going to jump off my throat.

“It's getting warmer. Summer's coming,” I divert, my eyes looking away from hers to try and calm myself down.

“Yeah, it is,” she whispers softly. She sighs and I’m looking at her again. 

“So… The photo exhibition you were talking about,” she looks at me with a soft smile and my heart squeezes itself, my eyes downcast as I stare into hers, “I…” I couldn’t do it. She might find me creepy. “I hope you can find a way.”

“Okay… Well, then.” Heejin gestures to the way back the dorms. “I'd better go,” she says, her hand squeezing my shoulder again before waving at me.

“Thanks for the drink,” I mutter, my hands fidgeting with the drink as I stare at her retreating form. And I’m left with two tickets with a **(Reservation Confirmed)** in my wallet that I don’t even know what I’ll do with.

_ Heejin smiles at Hyunjin, her hands clasped back at the table as looks at Hyunjin’s smile dim with every moment that passes. Heejin gathers the courage, her fingers trailing a line on Hyunjin’s longer hands. They’re calloused and big, smaller than hers and it’s a fact that fascinates Heejin. _

_ Hyunjin clears her throat, her voice tight as she whispers, “I'd like to have the courage to say what I have in mind. That's the power I want.” _

  
  



	10. Cold and Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaewon dreams with warmth.  
Hyeju thinks of the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I couldn't update, I had to write a play for our org. and I had to take our exams after while sick. I had a bad cold. So I wrote this while I was delirious with a fever. Let's thank Kevin again.
> 
> This chapter has a trigger warning for violence. It's not graphic but I figured I should throw a warning still.

_ Yerim shifts closer, her gaze lingering on the gray bustling of the world as it is enveloped by something that she couldn’t name, the serenity between them threatening to burst with each passing second of silence. “Have you ever been afraid?” _

_ “Of what?” Hyeju murmurs, her eyes half-closed. The silence stretches, deafening- thundering as it looms over them. The world’s too gray and it smells close to something freezing. It’s cold. It grips them in an instant and there’s a prickling feeling spreading between them, the rain slowing as it showers the world in a picture of tranquility. It feels like a lie. It feels empty. _

_ “Of existing,” Yerim replies, her eyes closing as she sets her small hand on Hyeju’s own. It’s a reassurance that feels empty. Everything between them is heavy with the nothingness that stretches with the silence. _

  
  


_ (Dating Class Survival) _

  
  


** _(Park Chaewon)_ **

I look up to the ceiling, squinting through the darkness, feeling the warmth of the fabric below me, different from the smooth luxurious soft ones that my family’s opulence had provided me. The thought lulls me into a sense of comfort that permeates through my whole body. My eyes droop, my breath deepens, and I feel sleep come to claim me for the night. It’s a strange feeling. Warmth. It reminds me of my first night sleeping in this strange new world that I have claimed to be mine, the thought encases me like a soft blanket as it brings me to sleep with a distant memory.

_ Sooyoung sighs, her hand hovering over her teacup as she glances up to Chaewon, reading on one hand while sipping her tea delicately, before deciding instead to pick the teaspoon to stir her tea. It’s one of the only afternoons that she’s free to visit Chaewon. It’s becoming harder trying to gain approval for an audience with her outside the set limitations of a party. It’s a farce trying to watch Chaewon grow so well with the facade that she had always been known to be. A princess locked up in a tower. A beautiful doll encased in a glass box. She’s delicate and fragile. A single touch would have been enough to shatter her. _

_ “Must you waste our limited time with your book, cousin?” Sooyoung asks, picking up her tea with the intention of smelling it only. It’s been long since she had black tea. It smells of unnecessary excess masked in a fruity aroma. Broken leaf black tea then. It’s a shame she has never learned to like tea, Sooyoung smiles at Chaewon as she places the teacup down. She has no intention of drinking it. _

_ “I have always loved reading, it’s a good way of exploring the world,” Chaewon closes her book, a small smile lingering on her face as she places it on the tea table. “A lady has always been expected to be content for what has been dealt for her.” _

_ “Why do you still talk like that?” Sooyoung asks, “You remind me too much of summers spent under an umbrella, time that should have been under the glaring sun and its harsh rays. It’s a past we should strive to recover from, cousin, and not to relive as if it is our solace.” _

_ Sooyoung watches Chaewon smile at her delicately with that amiable smile that she had always been dejected to see on her face. It’s a sight too polite for her. Sooyoung had grown to hate the polite society with their polite smiles and false well-wishes and to see Chaewon still trapped within their rules reminds her too much of the small child who was never even allowed to learn of anything outside her little world. It scares her that Chaewon might still be in that little world. _

_ A cool breeze blows to distract them from the heated tension. It’s a small reprieve from the summer sun’s warmth. Sooyoung decides to look around the small alcove that they have always considered a secret from when they were children. The garden has stayed green and bursting with colors from flowers of all kinds. It had been their small utopia when they had felt tired of propriety and etiquette lessons. It looks disgustingly well kept- even with the fact that nobody of importance has set foot on this estate for over a decade. Chaewon’s parents moved her away when they discovered them one day playing under the heat of the sun with a maid’s daughter. They thought it was an unsightly occurrence. One that should never be repeated. Sooyoung had hated more things since then. _

_ “It’s a remnant of my past. I was raised to become an ornament. A pretty little princess that will shine as a paragon for her kingdom. I hated every moment of it,” Chaewon pauses from stirring her tea, looking at Sooyoung squarely in the eyes before placing her teaspoon down. “But it’s the only habit I had retained to be spared from having to remember anything else.” _

“Was that why you left?” Olivia asks resolutely, sounding too conscious of her desire to be answered too much in contrast to how she feels she should be. It makes me feel strange so I look up from the manga that I had been reading, Olivia had been slowly introducing me to pop culture, and I had smiled softly at how Olivia looked then, and even more now as she looks like she’s struggling to contain her expression to mild intrigue. Olivia’s cute in her own tsundere way. And so I pretended not to notice how her ears have turned pink, choosing instead to sip on the cocoa drink that Olivia had prepared for me before we turn in for the night. I think Olivia prefers to call it a bribe with how many questions she asks without fail every time we settle on the small couch to drink. It reminds me too much of how Sooyoung unnie would visit me and I would prepare expensive tea that we would share as we try to catch up with each other’s life. It had made me feel too loose and nostalgic that I had let myself reminisce about my afternoon teas freely to Olivia. It’s surprisingly easy to make the girl listen to me.

“No, I needed to be reminded of who I am,” I mutter softly, my voice wistful, “_ If the chick is not able to break from the shell of his egg, he will die without being born. The world- is our egg. If we do not break the shell of the world, then we will die.” _

Olivia shifts from her seat, her pillow had shifted away to be held by her side, her other free arm slung over the couch as she had settled to fully face me.

“What do you mean?” Olivia’s looking at me confused, baffled as she sometimes is when we talk about our pasts. “I really thought you only talked like that because you were sad or something, I didn’t realize that’s just how you always talk.”

“Old habits die hard, I’m a very sentimental person,” I say shrugging, trying to appear nonchalant as I watch how she takes my every word in. “And it’s a quote that I learned from Herman Hesse’s Demian, it was a very strange book.”

“Are you bragging?” she asks, snorting as she chucks a pillow at me. I giggle, the pillow landing by my side gently. It’s nice how she elects to always weigh comfort over anything. She makes for someone who likes to take care of everyone. Olivia stretches languidly, her baggy t-shirt rising with her arms as she groans, exhaustion clear on her face. She had been pulling a lot of sleepless nights studying and trying to finish her art project, I wonder if my nights would’ve been the same if I had applied for college instead of having my _early-life_ crisis.

“No, I’m merely stating a fact,” I tease with my exaggerated haughtiness. She laughs, letting herself snuggle deeper into the couch, she brings her legs up the couch to hug them, and the space between us feels even smaller. It’s warm. She feels very warm. I opted to hug the pillow she threw at me earlier, the manga I had been reading earlier placed neatly on the coffee table.

“Sometimes, you make me think that you really are a princess,” she whispered, her voice faint that I had to focus on how her lips are forming the words. She rests her chin on her knees, her face settled with a frown, her lips open, amusingly triangular, as she watches me, it’s a strange sight watching her try to find the right words. It’s adorable how she’s too considerate. “It was a lonely life then?”

“It was. I remember a lot of things about that house,” I pause, trying to gather myself before settling with a small smile for Olivia, “But what would come to mind when I’m asked about it, is the space. The hallways had always been wider than how I would have wanted. The whole house was always too empty because of how large it was. Sometimes in the darkness of the night, I can swear that I can almost hear my heart thudding louder- echoing in the vast emptiness that had surrounded me. But it was better that way. Living in the dark was always better. It was easier to pretend that the world is as small as what I can feel. It was comforting.”

“You’re so weird,” she sighs again as her eyes droop sleepily, my eyes travel to my wristwatch, noting the time as early in the morning, I yawn, my eyes drooping as I watch her lazily. My whole body feels heavy with warmth. “But you’re a surprisingly warm person. You care too much about people that you’ve decided to take care of yourself.” The notion was unexpected. It was so bizarre for me that I felt my composure slip, my eyes widening in surprise before I could control myself, the muddling warmth from earlier burning into something. It was baffling to me how she would tell me that with conviction when I’ve always been too cold for everybody- a glass doll. Olivia smiles at me as if she knows what I’m thinking, her foot sliding forward to nudge my knee before continuing, “You’re supposed to be a spoiled brat, you know?”

Olivia’s face seemed soft then, her brown eyes sharp and piercing as they had always been seemed gentle now, and her lips had remained in that quirked teasing lilt. My heart feels like it’s about to burst, her earnestness had ruffled me in a way that even the most honeyed praises that I’ve heard before had paled in comparison. There’s something burning inside me, my whole body feels warm, my heart beating erratically as if to try and assuage something that I’ve forgotten. She’s such a strange girl.

  
  


_ “Hey? Not fair, slow down Hyeju!” Yerim clings to Hyeju’s arm, her weight dragging them both as she whines to Hyeju’s ears, her face close as she smiles at her. It’s enough to make Hyeju’s face flush in embarrassment. She looks splendidly bright to Hyeju even when she can see through it all. Yerim’s smile is too wide, her eyes hidden as she cheerfully tugs on her arm again, and the earlier embarrassment that Hyeju felt vanished in an instant. She stops in her tracks abruptly, turning to look at Yerim intently, her eyes boring on the smile plastered on Yerim’s face. Something must have happened with those pestering seniors again. Hyeju wants to reach out and touch her face to comfort her. She wants to hug Yerim and to let her rest all that’s weighing down on her. She wants to see Yerim smile as she used to when they were younger. She wants too many things from Yerim so much that she can feel her heart almost bursting. She feels disgusted. She starts walking again. _

_ “I’m skipping school today,” she declares, her steps slower than before as if she’s waiting for Yerim to understand that she wants her to go away with her. And because Yerim had always been good at reading Hyeju, she understood completely. She had always understood Hyeju. She had always been too good, and because of that goodness, she’s quick to tug on Hyeju’s arm again with a softer smile. _

** _(Son Hyeju)_ **

**“**What a surprise, Hyeju right?” Sooyoung from the dating class slides smoothly on the chair beside me. Her lips are doing that quirking thing that’s supposed to be charming and polite.

“Do you have any business with me?” I ask in annoyance, my scowl deepening as she places her own lunch tray on the table. There’s always been something about people like her that grates on my nerves. The innate playfulness on their eyes and knowing expressions plastered on their faces with a smile that reminds me of a drawing of an imp that I once saw when I was young. It annoys me. “And it’s Olivia Hye.”

“What? Can’t a senior dote on a cute junior?” She replies laced with that knowing and carefree attitude. There’s something more annoying about her today. Maybe it’s in the way that she sits that reminds me too much of Gowon, especially now that I’ve learned that they’re cousins which is a connection that I would have preferred if it didn’t exist, or maybe it’s in the way that she acts like Jinsol and Haseul sometimes when she’s serious, or maybe it’s the fact that she smiles too much. I can’t be bothered to rationalize why I think she’s annoying today.

“I’m leaving,” I grumble. Maybe there’s also something about knowing an annoying senior like Sooyoung is trying to be nice to me just because I’m her cousin’s roommate that’s more annoying than usual. It’s like she’s thinking I would just stab Gowon on her sleep or maybe just accept a bribe to spy on her. But before I could actually leave, she grabbed my coat’s sleeve and I had to pause, my eyes glowering on her.

“Before you leave, tell Gowon to visit me for tea again,” she pouts at me, her cheeks puffing up in a way that is supposed to be cute. “And you should try visiting Seullie, she’s been looking glum in class these past few days.”

“And you couldn’t go tell Haseul unnie that yourself, because?” I grumble, my hand moving to sift through my hair as I wait for her to let go of my coat, my food tray back on the table. Haseul unnie had been wallowing with Jinsol unnie nowadays. I don’t understand why they’re spending time together when they’re both miserable, but I’ve never been good with trying to comfort people so I just let them play games with the PlayStation sometimes. Gowon finds it weird how her boss is rowdy and childish when she’s hanging at our apartment, but I find the contrast in how she tries to be some serious dependable type in work amusing. And I think she likes how Jinsol unnie babies her too much so she hasn’t protested about them visiting to play games. Yet.

“I think she’s still mad at me because I tried to hit on Vivi the last time I visited the restaurant,” she replies almost embarrassed, scratching on her cheek as she sighs. She’s meddling too much with Haseul unnie’s relationship. I know that Haseul unnie’s too slow in trying to make her relationship with Vivi unnie progress, but I think there’s some understanding between them too. Haseul unnie’s not the only one sneaking glances.

“Then it’s your fault and maybe make the effort to try and patch-up your friendship with her,” I reply, my scowl loosening into a frown as I flick on her knuckle to release my coat, “And just text Gowon, you’re not too old to be incapable of using a phone right?”

“Ow,” she inhales sharply, her face twisting in pain as she looks at the reddened skin, “You’re so mean to me! Gowon’s always talking about how nice you are but you’re always a brat to me.”

“I’m a brat to everyone,” I say snorting, taking my tray with me as I leave her with a wave, “Bye Oldie!”

I tried to walk slower, trying to ward off the cold by tightening my grip on my coat as I look back to where Sooyoung had once sat in. She's already swarmed by people. The wind blows and I hear someone yell something across the cafeteria after I have thrown the trash from my tray over the bins. Her words are lost in the space between us. It’s something incomprehensible but she’s smiling. She’s smiling while waving her hand. It’s been so long since I have last allowed myself to look at her but every smooth lines of her face and soft creases that her smile creates and shapes that I traced under all kinds of light; everything about her I have remembered and is still seared in my mind’s eye, but she’s newer still even at this moment. It makes me ache as if time hadn’t passed at all since the last time I saw her with that genuine wide grin. 

_ Hyeju can still remember the first day that she first noticed that there was something wrong. Yerim was just waving at her across the cafeteria, her lunch in her hand, and a wide grin on her face. Yerim was just smiling and calling Hyeju over but there was something that she couldn’t shake off. Yerim raises her lunch box, as if to say that she’s welcome to share her food with her again, as if to say that she _ _ knew that Hyeju’s feeling down in the dumps, __as if she already knew that Hyeju forgot her wallet so she can’t afford her own lunch, as if to say she knew that Hyeju’s dad was busy and she doesn’t like going to the kitchen yet- and that was the reason when Hyeju noticed that there was something wrong. Her heart is warm and aching, but she feels it in a strangely pleasant way. A way that makes her crave the feeling more. There was something wrong because everything felt right if Yerim’s there. There was something wrong with her and with how much she wanted her. With how she felt like she needed her. She wanted to rush over the nearest toilet- anywhere she could keel over and retch all the contents of her stomach. She didn’t even have breakfast to eat so maybe there would be nothing but bile that would come out of her. Everything feels wrong. Everything is wrong. And everything is happening because of her. She’s the reason why everything is wrong. She’s everything wrong and she wants her. She’s smiling and Hyeju wants that smile to be only hers. _

_ Yerim smiles at Hyeju and she remembers the bloodied face of a guy she saw at the park. She remembers moments before that he was smiling too. He was smiling while talking with someone on his phone. He was smiling even when they had left him shaking and groaning. He was smiling because someone came to drive the guys away and he was big and angry. He was big and desperate to fend the guys away from the smiling guy. He was big and desperate and livid when he was throwing rocks at them. He was big and desperate and gentle when he held the smiling guy. But Hyeju wouldn’t remember the big gentle guy yet, he would remember the smiling guy and how they called him a mistake. She would remember that quivering bloodied frame and she would remember nothing but that fear as she looks at Yerim, young as they are, and how everyone had always whispered that it’s a mistake to feel that way. She would remember the bruises and how they did not bloom on his face like the books described at all, they were ugly and bleeding from cuts and lumpy and it shouldn’t have been there with his smile. _

_ “Hyeju?” Yerim asks confused at Hyeju’s fear-stricken face that had grown pale and she mistakes it as Hyeju being sick. They’re sixteen, and they’re about to be seventeen but she’s still called a child even by their neighbors, and Hyeju wanted Yerim to be the one that she would call special even when they’ve grown old. She’s special and her smiles are everything that Hyeju would remember- even when they grow strained as she grows older, and she wants to treasure Yerim more than she’d ever wanted and she can feel her whole being ache with the thought of it, but she would remember how people had started whispering that Haseul is a mistake just like that bloodied smiling guy was called one, and she could feel her blood become cold with fear. _

_ Yerim had fussed over her worriedly and Hyeju would allow herself to lean on her, bite her lips as she tries to stop her tears from falling, and she would follow Yerim in the nurse’s office and she wouldn’t talk, but Yerim would stay by her side and she would think of how maybe she’s mistaken. Maybe she didn’t want Yerim like that, but when she sneaks a glance at Yerim, her heart would betray her and beat faster and she would freeze up with another confirmation. Everything is wrong but it doesn’t feel like a mistake at all. _

It was late by the time that I had returned to the apartment, Gowon was sitting on the couch, reading the manga from last night. She had a carton of milk on the table, a cup beside it, and the sound of Haseul unnie and Jinsol unnie snoring loudly while the game continued to drone on. “I’m back.”

“Good evening, Olivia, I didn’t know how to go around them so you’re gonna have to take care of the game, I have already cleaned up their mess from earlier,” Gowon greets, the manga folded on her lap as she smiles at me. Her voice sounds strange tonight. It’s strangely fine and soft- delicate and crisp like the sound of the crackling of firewood. It reminds me of the nights when I used to go camping. There’s something about her that’s comforting today, or maybe it’s the fact that I had to relieve stress on shop class today while trying to finish my sculpting project. Or it might have just been seeing that smile again. 

“Want to sleep early today?” I ask, my attention intent on trying to remove the consoles from the grips of Haseul unnie and Jinsol unnie. I was contemplating whether I should just wake them so they wouldn’t wake up with stiff bodies tomorrow morning when I heard the buzzer for the door go off. I pause, I have already turned the game off and the consoles have been returned to their places already, all that’s left is Haseul unnie and Jinsol unnie’s tired figures still on the floor, and I have no doubt in my mind who’s already on the door. 

“Wake them up, it’s probably Yeojin and Choerry, I’ll go and open the door,” Gowon says with a sigh, already getting up from the couch. Her manga is folded neatly back on the table, not dissimilar from what she had done last night when we talked. I couldn’t think of anything else to postpone the inevitable, or maybe just escape this place and moment for now. I just wanted to sit on the couch and listen to Gowon speak softly. I wanted all the lights dimmed and to watch Gowon drink cocoa while she flips through the manga, page to page like she’s reading some riveting classic literature. I feel tired. And now I’m going to have to face her. It reminds me of the first day that I wanted to run and keel over and vomit everything.

“Oww! Hyeju please don’t rip my shoulder off just cause we troubled Gowon again,” Haseul unnie complains, her hand slapping Jinsol unnie’s back to wake her up. I glared at her before letting go, I didn’t notice that my grip was tightening with my frustration distracting me. I was trying to shake her awake. I sigh, getting up to slump face down on the couch. I don’t want to face her today. I don’t want to-

“Hey, Hyeju, get up, I think Jinsol had too much to drink earlier. I’m going to need you to help me carry her to my apartment,” Haseul unnie complains, she sounds more tired than usual. When I look at her closely there are bags under her eyes, her skin’s paler than usual- there’s a pallid exhausted look about them. It’s possible that they just came here to relax, but I don’t trust their way of relaxing.

“What did I tell you about drinking?” I groan out, I can already feel a headache coming. I push myself off the couch, wincing as I hear the sound of Gowon and the others already coming close, they might have paused somewhere to exchange polite talk.

“No drinking while we’re playing because we might damage your consoles or something,” Haseul unnie pouts at me, Jinsol unnie is groaning beside her and her arm’s already slung over Haseul unnie’s shoulders. They look so comical together. Haseul unnie looks too small beside Jinsol unnie. They both look like they're about to fall over as soon as they would take a step forward, if not because of how much gap is in between their heights, then because of how exhausted they both are. I sigh, taking the whole of Jinsol unnie’s weight off Haseul unnie. Haseul unnie groans, stretching as she watches me adjust Jinsol unnie’s weight on me, “Whatever, 'sides, I think Sol’s just tired, we had to pull an all-nighter last night because we forgot a project was due today. We just had two cans of beer today.”

“Unnie! You’re always troubling Hyeju unnie-” Everything became faded after that. Yeojin hadn’t grown an inch, her voice had become deeper and richer, she had colored her hair in a shade of brown, and she’s standing beside _ her _\- Yerim. Yerim’s smile froze as soon as she noticed me beside Haseul unnie, lugging Jinsol unnie with me as I walked towards them. Her smile grew strained, her eyes troubled, and I felt my face harden. My heart beating erratically, my breathing forced deeper to calm myself. Everything’s falling apart again. I’m falling apart and I’m just seeing her with a strained polite smile. She looks more grown. More mature and there’s an understanding look that’s hiding behind her soft brown eyes. She’s worried and she’s trying to stop herself from blurting something to me. I avert my gaze, looking at Yeojin instead as she seems to be finished with her tirade of nagging. “I’ll be taking them off your backs and I’m sorry they’ve become more of a nuisance these days.”

I nod at Yeojin, choosing to remain quiet as I let Gowon take care of the pleasantries. They leave with Yeojin continuing her nagging, bringing up Vivi unnie’s name more than once as Haseul unnie follows along them wincing as she nods, contrite. Yerim’s helping Jinsol unnie walk and she had kept on looking back to catch my eyes, her mouth opening and closing as if she’s deliberating whether she's going to say something. She never got to because I closed the door.

“So are you going to start talking or…?” Gowon asks softly, her eyes troubled as she regards me with another one of her raised brow, I have taken to calling it an expression of judgment. Her hands had been crossed in front of her, but as soon as she saw my face, she sighed. I don’t even want to think about what kind of face I must have been making. Gowon had already decided what my answer was, she took my hand with her small ones, dragged me to the couch before she plopped down to her usual corner, patting her lap.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked, confusion on my face as she tuts at me before patting her lap again.

“Lay down the couch and use my lap as a pillow dumbass. I think you need some rest,” she replies exasperated and haughty. I snort, laying down on the couch.

“I think you’re being too cocky for someone too bony and small,” I whisper, my head laying in her lap. She flicks my ear and snorts. It’s soft but the couch is too small. Her lap’s too small. But maybe it’s enough for now. My knees are folded with my feet resting on the couch's armrest to help me fit and my hands are on my stomach. Her hands are delicate as she begins to softly run over my hair. She’s humming something above me. And maybe today’s okay. Maybe it’s enough for me to be okay for now. I’m facing Gowon’s face as she hums, her hand playing with my hair as the other flips on the pages of the manga she had propped on the couch’s armrest. 

  
  


_ “Why would I ever be?” Hyeju whispers on top of Yerim’s head. She shudders. A shiver runs through her entirety as Yerim leans closer to rest on her shoulder. Everything feels strange. They’re in a strange place. The world around them is gray. Yerim is cold. Hyeju had never seen someone so pitiful than whom she sees now. Yerim in her resolute kindness has fallen prey to the cold world and it’s a strange sight. Yerim who had always been the brightest and warmest of them all. Yerim, the person she had sworn that she would always protect. _

_ Hyeju wanted to capture her image. Everything about Yerim. Her soft kind brown eyes reflecting a dull color. Her long brown wavy hair damp and matted. Her sweet unfaltering wide smile- strained and muted even with Hyeju, and her soft supple cheeks that follow the sharpness to her jaw. The world should have been brighter for her. But instead, the world has swallowed her whole and it’s unbearable to watch how it had failed her. _

_ “Because we hurt each other just by being close to each other,” Yerim replies, her eyes darker as she opens them in a fraction to watch Hyeju. It’s a warning. It makes Hyeju’s whole being ache. Yerim can be obliviously cruel. “Even the silence speaks more than we want it to.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said Hyerim Rights but Hyewon Endgame!


	11. Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuu explores. Jungeun asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I been sick? Yes. Do I feel like shit? Yes. Have I been listening to Requiem by Antonín Dvořák in my sickbed? Definitely yes. Am I swallowed by the need to write my magnum opus about life and death as I lament the meaning of suffering and our conception before dying rich, young, and famous? No, I am not Alfred Camus. But am I a nerd? Yes, but I'm a mean person so it balances itself out. I'm a hot asshole about to die young if I won't recover from being sick. 
> 
> Hello people, I am here to remind you to wash your hands. Please clean yourselves. And also to have you people read this fluffy chapter (I mean I hope it is or I have gone mad from being sick). Also, thank Kevin for this one too!

_ “How do you know if it’s a true friendship that you’ve built?” Jungeun asks Chuu, her smile delicate as she watches Chuu drink her coffee much like she’s enjoying a sweet treat. Chuu reminds her of Jinsol in a lot of ways. They both smile a lot, they like to look at people’s eyes when they’re talking, and they’re enthusiastic for the most little things, but whereas Chuu is almost bursting with energy, Jinsol is contained and slow. Jinsol would watch her and smile at her like she’s looking at someone- someone that’s better than what Jungeun felt like who she really was. Everything with Jinsol was weighed heavily with meaning. Chuu seemed breezy and simple. _

_ Chuu pauses from her drink. She scratches the back of her neck, a small smile now remaining on her face. Her face is contemplative, her brows furrow as she tilts her head, her lips moving slowly as she weighs the question, “True friendship…” _

_ (Dating Class) _

**(Kim Jiwoo)**

  
  


Gowon shifts from her seat, fidgeting as her gaze follows the figure that had stood up to leave the room, she sighs and my glare had loosened with my pout. Olivia had left us grumbling, Sooyoung unnie is sitting opposite me in a bean bag watching me with an amiable smile different from the one she had directed at Olivia earlier, and Gowon clears her throat as soon as she heard Olivia’s voice from the kitchen, she smiles at me apologetically before excusing herself. I sigh in confusion.

This was one of the rare days that I could visit Gowon in her apartment. I had a spot free for my afternoon because a Professor canceled class and I wanted to procrastinate from doing my cloud computing homework. I bought chicken for lunch and I had been buzzing on Gowon’s apartment door for more than 10 minutes already when Olivia, the sculpture department hottie, opened the door and Ha Sooyoung, the theatre department hottie, followed after arguing with her.

“Shut the buzzing- '' Olivia had been ready to yell at me, and Sooyoung unnie, quick to flash me an apologetic smile, had hit Olivia’s head before glaring at her.

“Chuu! You must be the friend that Gowon’s been waiting for,” Sooyoung unnie exclaimed, welcoming me with a hug and a huge grin on her face. Olivia had grunted a greeting at me before motioning for the take-out bag that I’ve brought with me. Sooyoung unnie released me after a squeeze, her smile even wider as she gestures for the way to the living room. “Follow me, Gowon’s still changing and I came here for lunch, and to check up on her. I’m her cousin you see.”

“Shut up! You only came here to mooch off because Haseul unnie and Jinsol unnie would be coming here for lunch,” Olivia had grumbled. I can almost swear that Olivia had added a whispered “Hags disturbing peace everywhere they go.”

“Ollie? Who’s at the door? Is it Jinsol unnie and Haseul unnie?” I heard Gowon’s voice, she’s drying her hair with a towel approaching us. It had been the weirdest encounter I have ever had with Gowon since we’ve known each other. “Ollie, I borrowed your animated shirt again, I needed to wear something comfy today-”

Gowon had stopped on her tracks, she had looked up from toweling her hair and, too flabbergasted then, I had stood watching her with my mouth agape. We both stood still, watching each other gather our thoughts before we could hope to proceed. It was my first time seeing Butterfly Princess Chaewon wearing a Kirby meme t-shirt. It was my first time hearing her call someone with that soft cute affectionate kind of voice. It was the first time I had ever questioned the reason why Gowon had taken her leap year.  _ Oh my god.  _ She had run away to elope and she chose the hot Scrooge from my dating class. 

Everything had become a blur after that. Sooyoung unnie had pushed us to the living room, Gowon had been quietly biting on her lip as if thinking of some way out, Olivia had immediately excused herself to hide in the kitchen, and now I am sitting on a couch. I had wanted to squeal in delight for Gowon but Olivia looked like she would murder me. No wonder she had been secretive about her roommate, she chose the murder goth GF type, which, now that I’ve been given a few minutes to stew over the facts, still does not make sense because I still would have been overjoyed. It’s like she doesn’t even trust my secret hoarding abilities. Sooyoung unnie cleared her throat, smiling at me as if she was about to open her mouth to say something when the door buzzed again. 

“And that would be my friends, let’s talk about the reason why you’re pouting later?” she complained with her own pout, ending her question with a wink and one of her wide smiles. It’s no wonder everybody’s been talking about how dangerous Sooyoung unnie is, I shuddered. I wonder if it’s gotten colder or something. Sooyoung unnie’s brow had furrowed in question, I bowed hastily, smiling at her widely as a response instead. She was about to say something again when the buzzer went off again, she sighs before leaving me with another smile.

_ (“Let’s say friends in high school are fun and easy because everything seems new and everyone wants almost all the same things,” Chuu mutters, looking at Jungeun with a smile that seemed glazed over as if she’s thinking of a memory that brings about nostalgia and something else simpler.) _

“So Jinsol unnie, how long have you known Olivia?” I whispered, bowing at them in greeting before tugging Jinsol unnie far from the pretty foxy elf ear girl, I’m assuming Haseul unnie, and Sooyoung unnie as soon as I had seen them enter the living room. We’re huddled close on the couch from where I had sat, taking extra measures to make sure that no one would hear us. “I thought she was some love rival you were fighting Jungeun for or something.”

“You mean Hyeju?” she chuckles, patting me on the back as she tries to sit more comfortably on the couch. “We’ve known each other for two years now, but not, like, in the really know each other kind. We met once during my senior year in high school. She was a friend of this little junior that I’m friends with, and then I met Haseul, her cousin, and then became her classmate.”

“And?” I asked impatiently, gesturing wildly as Jinsol unnie watched me calmly. She chuckles again, pinching my cheek as she scrunches up her nose, smiling at me teasingly.

“And you need to wait for me to form my words. You know I have to talk slowly or else I would make mistakes,” she pauses to chuckle, sighing before continuing, “Anyways, Hyeju transferred abroad because of something that happened during her third year,” I gasped, Gowon’s in love with a delinquent, I mean that’s the most logical conclusion based on her glary attitude, “but I don’t really know the details because I was already busy reviewing for college then. So, as you can see, I don’t really remember her that much, she introduced herself with her English name in class, which was the reason why I didn’t recognize her even more, plus-”

“What are you guys whispering about so secretively?” Sooyoung unnie had cut in. She’s smiling but there’s something about her smile that seems like it’s twitching. 

I was about to pout with an excuse when- “Everyone! Time for lunch,” Gowon had called for us. Everybody was cutting off everyone in this apartment. I haven’t even properly introduced myself to pretty Haseul unnie yet. I mean I’m researching information about the possible gf so there’s no time for pretty girls yet.

The table had been laid out by Gowon and Olivia, with the amount of time that they have spent hiding in the kitchen they better be only doing just that. There are six people present, the table isn’t spacious enough for all of us but we managed, there’s just not much elbow space. Jinsol unnie and Haseul unnie had chosen to sit on the opposite ends, Gowon and Olivia had already chosen to sit beside each other, which left me to sit opposite them with Sooyoung unnie by my side. 

Lunch had started with grace said by Olivia, after much prodding by Gowon with her teasing affectionate voice again, and it had continued with not much conversation because I am busy glaring at Gowon and Olivia. Olivia picked a chicken piece for Gowon and they’re talking with soft voices to each other. Sooyoung unnie had cleared her throat, making me turn to her. She’s handing me a chicken wing piece with a smile. I was too busy deliberating what questions I would ask that I had nodded with a smile before biting into it, while I was chewing, I looked at Gowon and Olivia again before clearing my throat.

“So  _ Olivia, _ ” I made sure to emphasize her name, “For how long have you known my  _ super best friend since boarding school _ Chaewon?”

“Since we became roommates,” Gowon answers, glaring at me as her hand travels under the table. I glare back, I have room to imagine what Gowon’s trying to do. She’s trying to stop me from grilling her girlfriend. The sneaky brat.

“So you’ve known each other for not more than a month and you guys had already decided to be in a relationship,” I exclaimed, watching as all eyes fell to the pair. Sooyoung unnie’s hand had gripped my own as a warning. It seems like everybody knows more than I do in this place. The betrayal. The indignation. I need my vindication.

“Oh my god! You loser, she’s just my roommate!” Gowon replied in exasperation, her eyes looking at me wide to try and threaten me. She’s doing her simpering and seething in annoyance smile.

“Oh yeah?” I stand up to point my finger at them, “Then why are you guys holding hands under the table!”

Jinsol and Haseul unnie burst out in laughter. Gowon sighs as she reaches for a glass of water with her free hand, “Because  _ Olivia  _ is planning your murder with how much you’ve been running your mouth.”

I gasped, tugging on Sooyoung unnie’s sleeves to point at Olivia, “She’s so guilty she’s planning to cover up her crime of stealing my best friend away by murdering me! Call the officers!”

Olivia’s face reddens, her lips tugging up faintly as Jinsol unnie and Haseul unnie continue in their raucous laughter. Sooyoung unnie pinches my cheeks, chuckling as Gowon burrows her head on her hand, “Stop embarrassing the kids too much.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “He suggested we go on a trip to Chuncheon.” Chuu struggled to keep up with the conversation. It was a back and forth between giggles and pushing each other. It was the banter between friends sharing stories about young love.  _

_ “Overnight?” Another giggle and someone slaps somebody’s shoulder. _

_ “Yeah.” Now there are squeals of delight in the sea of giggles. And it is an excitement that is infectious for Chuu as it is alienating. _

_ “Oh my gosh! When? When are you going?” The crowd of friends had started huddling closer, their faces split in wide hungry grins. It was strange for anyone watching as they had started pulling on each other. They looked like excited hungry dogs waiting to be fed.  _

_ “But I said no.” The earlier excitement was replaced with incredulous gasps and disappointed sighs. _

_ “What? Why?” They all chorused. They were a picture of disappointment, sighing and looking at each other, glum for being baited and denied a juicy meal that they have been promised. There was something hungry about them still.  _

_ “It's too soon! What if he thinks I'm easy? I really want the relationship to last this time.” It was an expected answer. It was comfortingly simple. It made Chuu smile wider. _

_ “Then again, you haven't even kissed yet, so I guess it's a little early.” Someone adds with a sagely nod. It’s a sentiment that anyone can actually get behind with. It was something that Chuu has figured to be something that sounds too old fashioned. _

_ “Right. There's an order to things,” they all echo with a sigh.  _

_ “Hey, it's not like going on a trip always means... You know?” Chuu blurted out with a snort, she had started rethinking a lot of things about love. It made her feel especially more cheeky than usual. “They don't always have bad intentions. Maybe he just wants to create special memories with you, you naughty girls.” _

_ “Hey, Chuu. What's with the innocent act?” They ask, equally teasing as they pinch her cheeks. _

_ “Well, you never know,” Chuu answered with a sagely nod of her own, a wide grin plastered on her face as she gazed into all of their faces. “Just because you take things fast, it doesn't mean you'll break up soon. If a guy really loves you, he'll do as you say. True love doesn't always have to be conventional.” _

_ “What's gotten into her?” They laugh and Chuu joins them. _

_ “I know, right? Are you sick?” Someone pretends to check Chuu’s forehead for her temperature and she swats at them with narrowed eyes. _

_ “When I'm in love, I think everything will be romantic,” Chuu exclaims, her answer seemingly something that they have already expected from her. They all smile at Chuu, their grins wide as they pat her head. _

  
  
  
  


“Chuu!” A guy from my class calls out to me. He has a boyish charm about him. A wide grin on his face as he jogs over to me, his black fluffy hair bouncing with him, face round and soft as he looks at me. He looked charming. “You showing off your muscles or something? Where are you headed?”

  
  
  
  


_ (“Relationships in college are harder, I guess it’s harder to maintain the older you get, which is why I think staying in a relationship can be burdensome,” Chuu continues after a pause, her smile becoming strained as if pained by an embarrassing memory.) _

  
  


“My dorm,” I replied with a smile of my own. I enjoyed my time in Gowon’s apartment too much that I had to stay late in the campus library to gather material for my homework. He motions for the box that I have been carrying and I accept his help with a grateful nod. “You're such a good friend.”

“Why aren't you texting me these days?” He asks as we continue my walk back to the dorms. The night feels colder than usual so I had to tug my coat tighter to wrap around myself a little more. 

“Oh, I haven't been?” I ask with a wide smile at him, humming as I scratch at my neck. I got carried away again hanging out with friends that my homework piled up so I have to catch up on a lot of materials cloud for coding. Something I don’t really think I’m in the mood to share so I just smiled at him again.

“Dong-chan's drinking like mad because you turned him down,” he pushes as if he had been waiting for the opportunity to ask me this, “Did you two have a fling?”

“A fling?” I hummed, shrugging as I looked up into the sky. I had always wondered why Jinsol unnie liked looking up too much. The sky is too dark and it always seems endless without stars. “I don't know about that, but he did confess.”

“Why did you turn him down?” He sounded too eager and hopeful.

“We went to karaoke together…” I motion for him to come closer as if I’m sharing a conspiratory moment with him.

“Yeah?” He’s too quick to lean close.

“And he was totally tone-deaf,” I finished laughingly. He looks at me strangely, scratching his head with a confused look on his face. I wonder what he’d do if I reject him too. “I thought I was watching  _ "I Can See Your Voice." _ I like guys who can sing well.”

He pauses, he looks ahead with a grimace hiding behind his awkward laugh before clearing his throat. “You're not seeing someone else or anything like that, right?” He’s quick to recover, eager again as he asks his question. His smile looked too simpering with that same eagerness, as if he didn’t care about what had happened to his friend. I look at him up and down. He’s strong, he could take carrying the box even with just a hand, he’s wearing stylish clothes, but-

“Hey,” I begin with narrowed eyes at him.

“What?” He slows down in his steps. His face is a picture of confusion as he looks at me. His eyes are wide, his lips pouting as if trying to appeal more, and he’s looking down on me to watch my face as if to try and understand me more.

“You didn't go to class like this, did you?”

“I did, why?” he asks anxiously, his eyes becoming nervous as I look down to his feet.

“Wow, so you came in slippers?” I replied incredulously. 

“Hey, these are expensive,” he replied offended.

“Oh, really?” I teased, smiling at him with a raised brow before looking ahead. “We're here,” I exclaimed with a smile, “Thank you. Bye!” Bowing at him before taking my box to skip ahead without looking back. It’s too cold out tonight.

  
  
  


_ “Olivia!” Someone from behind her calls for her. She had been busy wielding one of her subject projects. She had been wearing her safety glasses, with a prescription because of her bad eyesight, so she had to remove the glasses to wear her regular glasses before she could look at the person who had called for her. _

_ “Hey, Jun-ho,” she had greeted the blurred figure of her classmate. He’s one of the guys that had been her classmate during high school. Olivia had been cleaning her regular glasses that she had not noticed the figure beside her classmate. _

_ “You remember Yerim?” As soon as the question had been asked, Olivia had stopped wiping her glasses, wearing it as she looked up. Her face had remained impassive, her eyes not straying from her classmate’s face. Olivia remembers Yerim too much; it's a problem. _

_ “She finally got into our department,” Olivia nodded at her, never letting her eyes wander too much as she started removing her apron. “Wait, you don't remember her?” _

_ “Long time no see,” Yerim mutters hesitantly. Olivia glowers at the both of them, clenching her hands into a fist to stop them from shaking, she had to stop herself from trying to remove all her gears because her fingers had started fumbling, panicking as she was inside. She bows to be excused at them, leaving with only her apron removed that she had slammed down to her working area.  _

_ “What's with her? Weren't you two close in high school?” Olivia can hear the question asked, but her feet had only increased in its pace to try and to distance herself as she had been trying to do so for years. _

  
  


“Hey, that's her,” I hear someone’s voice cut through the loud music that I’m listening to. They must be doing this again to gain someone’s attention, but the name that they mentioned gave me pause, “Kim Jungeun.”

“Kim Jungeun?” Someone repeats even louder than the one who had at least tried to pretend to lower her voice.

“The one with a sponsor.” I can almost see the ugly sneer that came with her voice. It was dripping with disgust. 

“Oh,” the reply came with a gasp, distaste coloring her voice as she continued, “She's prettier in real life. Her bag, dress, and heels are all designer brands. Altogether, it probably costs tens of thousands.”

“Not only that, but she lives in Noble Officetel by herself. I heard the security deposit alone is over a million there.” There’s envy mixed with the disgust in her voice. It’s beginning to feel sickening listening to them.

“Wow, it almost makes it worth doing that. Even so, would you want to live like that? I even heard her mom is a mistress to Hansang Group's CEO.” There’s laughter mixed in their whispers.

“A mistress? I guess it runs in her family.” They both snickered, and when I had tried to turn and look at them, they were watching someone with their sharp eyes. Their eyes had been focused, waiting for Jungeun to snap at them with their provocation. 

“I know.” They snickered even louder than before. When I looked at where Jungeun is, she's just sitting alone again, looking outside the window with an impassive look on her face but her fingers betray her. Her fingers are shaking in its hold of the cup. She’s seething but she’s just letting them insult her. This is injustice.

“Jungeun,” I exclaimed loudly with my usual smile as if I’m greeting her as I approached her table slugging my bag with a wave, “What's with the atmosphere here today? Did some flies get in? I can't hear because of all the buzzing. Isn't that right?”

“Oh…” Jungeun looked at me surprised. Her forehead scrunched up in confusion, her mouth opened in surprise.

“Kim Jiwoo in computer science,” I whispered as I leaned close to her, “We're in the Dating Class together.”

“I know,” she replied more composed, straightening herself as she watched me warily, “Why?”

“Can I take a seat?” I gesture to the seat opposite her and she nods hesitantly, her expression still one of wary and confusion. I pouted at her, “I left my wallet at home today. Could you buy me a cup of coffee?”

She looked someplace behind me, her eyes narrowing on something before looking at me with less apprehension. “Sure.”

“Yay!” I cheered, watching Jungeun smile at me, “Class is starting soon, so let's get the coffee and go.”

  
  


It didn’t take long before my order was called and Jungeun paid, as per my request. I kinda had to act like the coffee cup that I was enjoying before I announced myself to Jungeun was not mine, the cup was still on my table and I had to bow in apology to the waiter subtly to convey my contriteness. He grumbled, narrowing his eyes at me before breaking out in an exasperated huff, walking away as soon as Jungeun arrived with my coffee. I was quick to escort her out of the cafe, my steps quick so we can leave as fast as possible.

“This is delicious. Thanks, Jungeun,” I exclaimed after taking a sip from the to-go cup. I wonder how she knew I liked my coffee extra sweet. “I promise I'll pay you back.”

“No need to force yourself to drink,” she says after a moment of our walk. She’s looking at me with a smile, her eyes scrunched up in confusion as she watches me inhale my drink. 

“Huh?” I stop to look at her, feigning obliviousness as best I could by pouting. It usually works, I have been told my cuteness is enough distraction.

“I know you're drinking your second cup because of me,” she chuckles, her hand going to her face as if to cover her smile. 

“No, it's not like that,” I answered worriedly, my hands almost flying from how frantically I’m trying to gesture that she shouldn’t misunderstand. I feel like maybe I’m panicking. “I was getting tired of pretending not to hear them.”

She pauses from walking at my reply, her eyes making faint crinkles as she smiles at me, her voice soft as she says, “Thanks.”

We continued our walk as before, my coffee almost finished by the time that we arrived at the campus gates. Jungeun was slow in her walk, her gaze directed ahead, sometimes straying to look up the sky or to follow tree branches as leaves fall because of the wind. She reminds of Jinsol unnie. She nods when I ramble on about inane things, sometimes smiling as she looks at me, and sometimes she would chuckle at me. 

  
  


“Olivia!” she yells, stopping abruptly as Olivia storms past us. She looked grumpier than usual. Jungeun tightens her hold on her bag’s strap, her face slack with shock as her gaze follows Olivia’s speeding figure, she turns to me with her brow raised, “I just got ignored, didn't I?”

I shrugged. My eyes follow Jungeun’s gaze, watching Olivia as she turns in a corner. My thoughts wander to Jinsoul unnie and my smile widens when I turn to look at her intently, “By the way, are you in a relationship?”

“No,” she answers, taken aback. She’s walking again and I hurry to catch up to her, tugging on her sleeve as I skip lightly on my feet.

“Really?” I asked, my squeal barely held back by my smile.

“Loud and clear,” she shakes her head at me, her eyes narrowing as she looks at me.

“That's good,” I whisper, relieved and excited as I gaze ahead of us. I can’t wait to tell Jinsoul unnie.

“What is?” she asked, her voice wary again as she narrowed her eyes at me.

“Huh?" I look at her wide-eyed, quickly looking ahead firmly to void her eyes, I claimed with jumpiness that I know is caused by how she's looking at me so intently, "I just thought you would definitely have one." I bite my lip, trying very hard to contain a smile that I know would give me away.

“Really?” she sounds more suspecting, her eyes seeking mine to ascertain my honesty.

“Yes.” I nod fast, clearing my throat, forcing myself to establish eye contact. _I am innocent, I am innocent, _I try to channel my thoughts through my best smile.

“You're a really bad liar,” she says with a chuckle, “You can’t keep a straight face at all."

I giggled, opening the door for her as we entered the classroom. She laughs at me, patting my head before leaving to go to her partner with a small smile. I watched her with a wide smile of my own, my feet hurriedly carrying me over to Heejin.

“You came with her?” Heejin asked as soon as I arrived on our usual spot.

“We ran into each other at a cafe,” I replied in a whisper, looking over to where Jungeun’s sitting. “She might be a better person than I had thought.”

“Really?” she whispers back confused, “You said you didn't like her.”

“I don't know,” I shrugged, turning to her with a smile, “It's just a feeling. I think I misunderstood her.”

Heejin’s looking at me with her brow raised, her eyes narrowing at my smile, and she’s about to open her mouth to ask a question when Prof Jo luckily came to interrupt her train of thought. Prof Jo clears his throat, smiling at us as he checks for our attendance, before starting his lecture by writing on the board.

“A person can only understand someone from their own point of view,” he says as soon as he’s finished writing on the board. He’s smiling at us again and I wonder if he likes looking up at the sky too. “What's more important than what they show you is how you perceive them. All interactions are a two-way street. So in order to understand each other, effort from both parties is required.”

Prof Jo pauses, his eyes traveling to us as if to take us all in. It makes me wonder what he sees as he stands on the podium to speak to us. “Every day, we analyze thousands of people's words and actions. But unfortunately, not all our conclusions are correct. No one's mind is set in stone, so no matter how hard you try, if the other person refuses, then that's it for you.” 

I hear scuffle from behind me, I think someone’s trying their luck with Sooyoung unnie again. I hear the sound of whispers, my phone vibrates as it lights up a notification, someone got rejected again. I wonder if Jungeun’s part of our class GC. “Unacknowledged understanding always ends in misunderstanding. Only when you can see someone for who they are can the miracle of understanding take place.”

Heejin is sneaking glances at her phone again, everything sounds too loud today. My thoughts wander and I look ahead unseeing, my thoughts to Gowon and my earlier visit. I wonder how she makes Olivia seem gentle. “Any questions?” I almost jumped off my seat. I hadn’t noticed the time. “Then that's it for today. Thank you.”

  
  
  


_ Haseul groans, her eyes squinting as she tries to get used to the blinding light. She wonders when she became so useless. She wants to crawl back to her blankets, to call Jinsol and disturb her from her class, to get back at Sooyoung by posting a picture of her during high school, to listen to Yeojin embarrass herself to Choerry, or to just watch Vivi as she- Haseul groans. Her arm moves to shield her eyes from the brightness. She wants to believe that she can shield herself, her tears run down her eyes to disprove her, and she exhales heavily with a shuddering sob. Her heart hurts and she wonders when she became so useless. _

  
  
  


“♪ Yellow CARD ♪” I hum, singing along as I listen to the music through my earpod, “♪ If you cross this line, it's a violation, beep ♪” The wind blows colder, I shiver my feet quicker in its steps as I navigate the steps back to the dorms through the bright lights of the streets. Another busy night. “♪ Keeping manners here...♪”

“Chuu,” I hear someone call for me, my head turning fast. My eyes squinting as I try to look for where the voice came from. A car slowly back to where I had paused from my steps.

“Surok,” I greeted with a smile. I had to pause the music from my phone, he’s gesturing for me to get closer to him.

“Are you going to your dorm?” he asks with a smile. The wind blows, I hear the rustle of leaves.

“Yes.” A car passes us by. Its light flashes before it dims again.

“Get in,” he motions for me. A group of boisterous guys passes us by. They knock each other over and the wind blows again.

“Huh?” I pause, my eyes straining ahead of me before I look at him again, my hands gesture my refusal, “It's okay.”

“It's dangerous,” he insists, “Let me take you there.”

I look at his face. He seemed earnest enough. I nod in resignation, smiling at him awkwardly. Another car passes.

“Excuse me,” he exclaims as I try to open the door to the backseat of his car, “Is this a taxi?”

“Ah…” I bow at him, “Sorry.”

“Get in the passenger seat,” he says chuckling.

“Something smells really good,” I say as soon as I enter his car. The sound from outside seems muffled. “I didn't know you had a car.” I have a feeling that I shouldn't let the silence settle between us.

“I do nights often,” he hums, adjusting the car’s radio to a faint background noise before smiling at me as he releases his foot from the break slowly, “And when I work, I end up hauling lots of things like fabric, so I figured paying for gas and parking would be cheaper than cabs.”

“Nights?” I ask quickly with a wide smile, my eyes travel to the backseat and I see it filled with boxes almost spilling with fabric. I see him withdraw his other hand from the steering wheel, his movement indicating for his hand to rest on mine. My hand shoots up to fix my hair, fuzzing over my bangs as if it’s itching. It’s a lot more awkward now.

He clears his throat before answering with a smile, his hands smoothly back on the steering wheel, “Working at night.”

“Ah…” I exclaimed, smiling at him wide as I saw the gates leading to the dorms. “You can drop me off here.”

“Right,” he mumbles, sounding disappointed as he watches me try to unbuckle the seatbelt off me. He moves closer, my skin feels like it’s tingling, my hands become frantic that I almost heaved a sigh of relief when I had removed it faster before he could lean closer to me. 

“Why are you acting so shy today?” he asks, looking at me with his brows scrunched up and his earlier smile has become a taut line as he leans close, whispering, “It's unlike you.”

“Me?” I exclaimed in feigned ignorance, shaking my head ‘no’ as my hand quickly traveled to the car’s door, “No, I'm not.” There’s a  _ click.  _ I smile widely at him.

_ (“I don't want to open my heart first,” Chuu’s voice becomes almost faint, Jungeun watches her lose her smile for a second before its back again, wider than before as she looks up to meet Jungeun’s eyes. A pause that reveals probably more than what was intended. “ It's kind of scary to be close, showing everything I have.”) _

“Are you okay?” he asks worriedly as the door swung open, “Did you open it?”

“Yes,” I replied with a bow, already having removed myself from my seat, “Thanks for dropping me off,” I wave at him before I skip to the dorms, “Drive safely.”

  
  
  


_ “I think I prefer acting as an awful person,” Chuu rests her head on top of her palm, her smile faint again as she looks at Jungeun, “Like distancing myself from people to avoid certain situations. So, to attain true friendship, it might be most important to open myself up,” Chuu sighs, Jungeun watches her with a small smile, “But I want to wait for someone who understands me first. Is that too much to ask?” _

_Jugeun watches Chuu smile at her just as wide as when she had spoken, her eyes crinkling in the sides, her eyes vulnerable as they stare at Jungeun's eyes. It somehow feels suffocating to continue meeting her gaze._   
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay hygienic people! You can't stay safe because the virus still gonna infect you if it touches you and you're not cleaning yourself. 
> 
> Don't listen to dramatic classical music if you're in your sickbed, it fuels the need to lament on your woes in life. Listen to High high instead and feel yourself drown in the feeling of a coffee induced state of restlessness. Also please comment so I can feel like I have an audience. I have the need for validation in this time of solitude.


	12. Komm Süsser Tod

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin feels lonely. 
> 
> Olivia plays nice. 
> 
> Sooyoung wants her friends back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader,
> 
> There are three things about me that you should know:
> 
> 1\. I suck in everything social media (I don't even use twitter much lol)  
2\. My body sucks because I got sick, then had an eye infection a few days after I got better, I fell off my bed and hurt my shoulder, and I'm still trying to build my stamina back  
3\. I wrote a long chapter as an apology because I would probably still be busy. I have a lot of catching up to do for school
> 
> My message: I gay, Stay safe, thank Kevin, LOONA comeback soon (w/ Haseul please)
> 
> P.s. Happy Reading!!  
P. S. Trigger warning: Death

_Trigger warning: Character Death_

_Olivia frowns as she takes in the person before her. For the two months that she had spent in dating class, she had never formed any opinion for the girl before her. Heejin had been the girl always with the loud one, or the girl paired with the stiff-faced jock, or the girl that’s just there, which Olivia finds, now that she’s looking at her, strange because Heejin is pretty. From the small face and sharp jaw that frames her features, the charming little mole resting above her soft cheek close to her eye, and to her brown eyes that are amiable and curious as they gaze at everything. She’s demure, polite, and she smiles but never too much. Olivia leans farther, closing her eyes momentarily, humming as she opens her eyes to look ahead of her, intentionally locking eyes with Heejin before she asks, “What is one thing that you are most thankful for?” _

_ “Well…” Heejin looks down, reading the question from her notes, tracing the words with her eyes before looking up to smile at Olivia as she answers, “That my mom brought me into this world.” _

(Dating Class)

** _(Jeon Heejin)_ **

I groan, pausing my note-taking to inhale deeply. I had my glasses perched up my hair so I could close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, an attempt to ease the strain from reading for too long. I sigh, reclining into my chair as I stretch. I have to study for exam week, it’s closer than what I would have wanted with the amount of material that I needed to cover if I want a high score. The lamp’s low light provides little help to my bad eyesight, I push my chair far from my study table, my shoulders sag as I look up the ceiling. My ballpen rolls from my notes, the sound of muffled voices can be heard outside as the shuffling of hurried footsteps penetrates the quiet of my room. My phone dings, a message has been received. 

**(Suyeon: 12 o'clock! Happy b-day Heejin, love you!)**

The screen previews the message as it lights up. It was a message from Suyeon, an excitable girl that had been a childhood friend of mine. I tap on the message, easily opening a group chat that I had with two of my oldest friends from back home. It had been long since the last time we had been able to use this group chat, the last message had been a month since I had started college. It was a “congratulations on entering college” and a promise to stay in touch. 

**(Dia: Happy birthday. You're legally an adult now.) **

Another message pops in. It was a message from Dia, a more reasonable friend that Suyeon had introduced to me in high school. I smile, about to type in a reply when another bubble appears.

**(Suyeon: Let's get something tasty once you're here.)**

I press to send my reply, smiling as I feel my fatigue ease a little bit.

**(Thanks, miss you guys.)**

**(Dia: Having a b-day party with your Seoul friends today?)**

**(Suyeon: "Seoul friends".)**

**(LOL. I literally laughed out loud haha. Don't think I can because of my exams.)**

I chuckled with my reply, stifling my growing amusement to look over to where Chuu is sleeping. She had tucked herself earlier, exhausted because she had to spend more time on her papers and group work with her classmates in the library again.

**(Suyeon: Do you think Junhyeok will call you?)**

That message gave me pause, my lips were frozen as I looked at his name. I guess they had not known of my last talk with him. Or even his last text to me. Dia, always the one to be sensible of how fragile my relationship had been even before I moved to Seoul, was quick to reply for my sake.

**(Dia: So clueless.)**

**(Suyeon: What? I'm just saying, don't take him back even if he calls you.)**

**(Dia: Yeah, don't take him back. Ever.)**

**(Suyeon: Don't even reply.)**

I shake my head, smiling to myself mirthlessly as I realize that I had been more unaware of my relationship with him far longer than I had initially thought. I guess I really was the most oblivious person. I had always laughed at Suyeon when she got worked-up and excited over guys, always thinking that I had my life more put together. I shake my head, typing a reply.

**(We broke up so…)**

Before I could even press the reply button, another volley of messages was received. 

**(Suyeon: Have a great day. And eat lots of yummy stuff, okay? Hey, how does chicken and beer sound after work today?)**

**(Dia: She just wants to go to her new fling's store.)**

**(Suyeon has a fling?)**

I wasn’t even able to send my question, they had already logged out. I look at my screen bemused more than anything, tracing the little offline text beside their names, my frustration rising as I stand to get off my chair. My head feels heavy as I look at the pile of notes before me, scrambled and messy on my desk, my handwriting rushed and scrawled almost incomprehensible. The light from the lamp flickers, Chuu moves on her bed as she groans in her sleep, the light from outside the window reflects nothing but darkness and the cold. I guess now would be the best time to get to bed.

I inhale deeply, feeling sluggish as my lack of sleep finally catches up to me. My feet felt heavy as they carried me over to my bed where I slumped down as soon as my knees had hit the corners of it. My face feels stifled, burrowed on the mattress as I inhale as deeply as I could. My arms felt weighed down as they searched for my blanket, wrapping them around me as tightly as possible before trying to worm myself up to my pillows. I roll towards the wall to face the ceiling, my arms effectively bound by the blanket to my sides, I try to breathe as deeply as I could to help myself be lulled into sleep. But my overworked mind betrays my tired body, traveling to thoughts best forgotten if anyone was to ever ask me. 

Maybe I should start counting all the good things that happened today- or maybe the things that could happen later. I inhale deeply, opening my eyes. My eyes sting, my vision is blurry, I couldn't even try to count the tiles up the ceiling. I wonder if it’s the quiet coldness of the night or the muffled sound of life outside the walls of this room, but my chest tightens that I couldn’t explain with just how I have bound myself. 

Stupid. I was always counting the good things in life. I never grumbled even when I felt cheated that my family wasn’t the happy family that I thought it was. I cried but I never did it to show my desperation, I just did it because I knew that I needed release. I was always looking at life the way that I have learned how it should be. I thought I had learned to outgrow my naivete. I never waited for anything in life because I know that it would only lead to disappointments. _ Stupid. _ I learned to appreciate the little things that I was allowed to have. I learned to accept that people would always drift apart. I just wanted to live life and count all the little happiness that I was allowed to have. I just wanted a taste of what I thought was good for me. And maybe that was really my mistake, everything about the people around me was _ good _ when I was with them so I can’t understand why I’m still hurt when all the good things I had inevitably drifted away from me. Or maybe I feel desperate because I know that I was never really enough. _ I am so stupid. _ This was the last thought I could remember, choked-up, bound, and helpless as I finally succumbed to my fatigue.

_   
  
  
_

I awoke an hour before dating class, my first class for the afternoon. The sun had been too bright, Chuu left the windows open and the weather got too hot in my wrapped-up state. Chuu left breakfast with her birthday greetings, it was a nice surprise, and convenient because I don’t have the energy to go somewhere to eat breakfast. I prepared for class more tired than I would expect after a few hours of dreamless sleep. Even with my best effort, I rise off my bed with a groan, rolling to unbind myself from my blanket. I yawned, stretching before heading straight to the bathroom. I felt a little more prepared to go to class by the time that I had gotten my bath and had stuffed myself full. Class is outdoors today.

_   
  
_

“Good afternoon class! What a lovely day it is!” Professor Jo greets us, instructing us with his gestures to gather in a circle as soon as the whole of the class has arrived. “We are going to have a little outdoor exercise to replace the mid-term. We have snacks too so let’s enjoy the beautiful weather and build our relationship with each other.”

The whole class gathered in a wide circle, playing some sort of duck-duck-goose kind of game. The sun was shining brightly. The large tree that we have gathered beside serves to protect us a little from the elements, all the while letting us feel the cool wind to help ease the irritation caused by the heat of the sun. Everything about today is a perfect balance of normalcy that I would have strived for, if not for the fact that I feel heavy with unease today. There’s a great irritation to be felt when I hear people laughing, it distracts me and it fills me with the need to be alone. 

_   
  
_

“Gotcha!” Surok yells happily as he taps my shoulder. I was too slow to react. Now I’m going to need to do a dare to placate them. I smile at them, uncomfortable- even when I feel like my face feels too stiff.

“Ha, dummy!” Chuu exclaims, poking my side with a wide smile as she looks at me. Her forehead is scrunched up, a look that contrasts with her teasing remark, and it fills my stomach with a heavy feeling. “I saw it coming.”

“Yo, Hyunjin,” Sooyoung unnie teases from the far side of the circle, smiling knowingly as she looks at Hyunjin with a raised brow, “What's the matter? Does it break your heart to see Heejin playing the tagger?”

I look over to where Hyunjin is sitting and she’s looking at me with another one of her stiff expressions. Her lips are pursed, her eyes are set in a scowl as if ready to protest Sooyoung’s claim, but she pauses, inhales, and she bows her head instead before looking up at me with a small smile. Surok clears his throat, scratching his head from the whole debacle in confusion. I don’t understand why I felt the great unease well-up in me, growing as it settles in my stomach.

“Okay, Heejin,” Chuu yells to break the sudden lull before swatting at my shoulder, “You were tagged by Surok, so it's time for the penalty.”

“Go for it,” Surok starts with a smile before the rest joins him in a chant, “Sing! Sing! Sing!”

“Wait!” Chuu shouts, putting the chanting to a halt, only to put more pressure on me more than I would have wanted, “It's her birthday today.”

“Really?” Surok asks. I smiled politely, bowing my head to shrink more to myself because I’m feeling more awkward than ever. “Then we should sing her happy birthday first.”

“You don't have to,” I muttered, looking up with a strained smile. 

“Of course we do,” Professor Jo exclaims, rising with the other students as he claps his hand to signal them, “Ready?”

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Heejin ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

“Happy birthday!” They all finish in a chorus. The game continued after that for a while. A small break to eat snacks followed to ease the transition to our next game and to move our location to a place with nicer shade, especially with how the sun had gotten hotter with time. We retained our circle while we were eating and I sat with Chuu to try not to attract a lot of attention. Why would anybody talk to me when Chuu is settled beside me? I just want to be ignored today. 

“Let's play spin the bottle for our next game,” Sooyoung unnie exclaims a little while after the murmurs and chatter of having finished our snack has settled. She’s happily holding a bottle from our cluttered waste and the boys are quick to respond with their agreement. Professor Jo just smiled and gave us a nod to continue. We only had an hour left for this class and it had been meant for self-study but I guess that wouldn’t be possible now, especially with how everyone is now brimming with excitement.

Sooyoung unnie places the bottle down, looking at us all with her mischievous smile before proceeding to spin the bottle with a little laugh at how eager everyone was. The bottle spins fast. _ Spinning fast _ . _ Spinning slow _. Slowing down to a stop as it points.

Everybody’s eyes followed the bottle’s pointed end. Olivia is smirking from her seat, a dark glare on her piercing dark brown eyes as she looks at us lazily. There’s always something intimidating about her that I have never really been able to put my finger on until now. It was the way that her eyes observed everything quietly, a constant silent warning in them; telling anyone who can look at her directly to be wary because she will pounce if provoked. It was a look that Sooyoung unnie seems to revel in, especially with how her eyes had almost disappeared in delight with how amused her mischievous smile is. There was an understanding between them that I couldn’t follow. 

“Olivia, is there someone you like?” Sooyoung unnie asks Olivia with a smile deceptively innocent, but there was something about the way that she was looking at Olivia that gave her away. It feels invasive watching her talk to Olivia like she was having an exchange that we shouldn’t be privy to. It was in the way that her lips are quirked, and the way that her brown eyes are watching Olivia keenly; she looks faintly smug as if she’s waiting for a reaction from Olivia. She’s poking fun at Olivia or provoking her somehow. 

_   
  
_

“Yes,” Olivia answers without hesitation, surprising us all with how teasing her voice sounds. She’s smiling. I’m pretty sure I heard somebody gasp audibly.

“Who is it?” Someone blurts and we didn’t even turn to who asked. Something is mesmerizing about watching Olivia play nice. It’s scarier, but alluring nonetheless. 

“You can ask only one question,” she replies with a shrug, and sounds of disappointment spread as Olivia watches us with amusement. She spins the bottle and everyone focuses on the game again, more invested with how people seemed to be in a good mood today.

“Jungeun,” Surok smiles wide, his eyes relaxed as he plays with the bottle, his lips quirk upside as he continues for his question, “Give me the initials of the person you're interested in if he is here with us.”

Jungeun unnie’s eyes widen at the question, her eyes glancing at almost everyone as she appraises the question. She’s smiling and it’s a pleasant sight. Her eyes travel back to Surok and she locks eyes with him as her hand travels to a plastic cup of soda- we couldn’t really smuggle alcohol on campus. Jinsol unnie is fidgeting on her seat. She’s biting her lip, her eyes are locked on Jungeun unnie, there’s something about the sight of her anticipating Jungeun unnie’s words that seems tragic- like a moth to a flame. She is aware that what she would hear would inevitably hurt her but she can do nothing but be hopeful anyway. _ I really should stop listening in on her conversations with Chuu. _

_   
  
_

“Man, I really wanted to know,” Surok cries out in disappointment, effectively distracting me from how Jinsol unnie is biting her lip harder, her eyes watering as she finally casts her gaze downwards. Jungeun spins the bottle after drinking from the cup, her smile wide as she watches how everyone is eagerly anticipating the next person. 

_   
  
_

“It's Chuu!” Surok yells, his smile wide as he looks at her. Chuu looks away, smiling softly as she tucks her hair behind her ear, her hand traveling to mine. It feels clammy. I squeeze, there’s an uneasy look about her with how she meets my eyes. They look nervous even as her wide smile is back. Surok’s voice interrupts me from asking her, he sounds almost giddy from anticipation as he recites his question, “During our dating assignment, have you had romantic feelings for one of your partners?”

Chuu, smiles coyly at our classmates, reaching for the cup without hesitation, playfully confirming the question without answering it. Surok’s smile seemed wider, pleased as he settled back on his seat. Flick. The bottle spins again and Sooyoung unnie was fast to look away as soon as I noticed her. There’s something about the way that she looked at me that made me feel like I have done something that is an affront to her. It’s making me feel queasy so I decided to watch where the bottle would point to. 

“Hyunjin!” Sooyoung unnie laughed, her voice belying the earlier animosity that I felt from her. Her voice sounded so delighted, just like how she usually sounds, that I had to look at her face to know if I had just imagined how she looked at me earlier. Her smile is wide, her eyes have disappeared into little crescents as she looks at Hyunjin with her usual mischievous self. “Imagine Heejin and I are hanging on the edge of a cliff. You can only save one person. Who would it be?”

“Umm…” Hyunjin hesitates, her voice sounding troubled as my gaze travels to her. Her hands are fidgeting with the edge of her shirt. She clears her throat, chuckling as she answers, “Heejin, of course,”

“Whoa!” Chuu yells, her hand swatting at my thigh as she laughs merrily.

“Wow,” Jinsoul unnie choruses in, her smile wide again as she looks between Hyunjin and I. “How romantic!”

“Why is that?” Sooyoung unnie asks, her voice mockingly feigning hurt as she clutches her chest, “I'm starting to feel a little hurt by that. Am I not your favorite dating partner?” 

“Because you are good at rock climbing!” Hyunjin retorts hastily, her voice barely able to hold in her laughter. I don’t know why, but there’s something about her reply that made me flinch. There’s an uncomfortable feeling pooling in my gut and it’s making it hard for me to return Hyunjin’s amused smile so I avert my eyes instead.

“BOO! That's lame. No fun.” Chuu declares, her hands around her mouth as if she needed to amplify her voice more. The class laughs and the game continues like so. By the time that the game had finished, we had heard more burps than we can count on the number of people who wanted to avoid embarrassing questions.

“Okay, everyone!” Professor Jo rounds us up, almost shouting over how loud the teasing became. “Good luck on your exam and see you next time.”

“Thank you, sir!” Most of the class replied laughing, standing-up, and cleaning most of our wastes as we went our ways.

“Good work today,” Olivia calls out to me, towering on me as she stands on my way to where Chuu is waiting for me, who is quick to avert her eyes as I look at her in distress. 

“Happy birthday,” Olivia smiles at me as she extends her hand, her eyes crinkling as my hands automatically accept what she hands to me. I bow my head, my eyes focused on scrutinizing what she had handed over to me with great amusement. It was two packets of candy. 

“Thank you,” I say, my smile fading as I noted that Olivia is already gone from where she stood as soon as I raised my head again.

“Let's go!” Chuu calls out to me eagerly and I nod. Chuu squeals at me as soon as I reach her, but my eyes are trained on my phone. I wanted to check if there are other greetings from other people for me. There’s just one. **(Missed call from mom)**

“Hey… Heejin,” a voice calls out to me and my head shoots up to where the voice was coming from. It’s Hyunjin, and she’s looking at me with her forehead scrunched up. Chuu is being uncharacteristically quiet beside me and I want to pinch her.

“Yes?” I ask with a small smile.

“What's your plan for the rest of…” She pauses, her eyes looking at my phone as she clears her throat, her hands traveling to the edges of her shirt. She looks back at me, chuckling awkwardly as she gestures to my phone, “Probably go to your birthday party, huh?”

“Yes, I think so…” I reply faintly, my mind wandering back to my hometown friends and there’s a faint feeling of loneliness that escapes me. I lied to her.

“Right…” Hyunjin bows to me, her smile strained as she looks at me again, bowing before turning and walking away, “Okay then.”

“What was that about?” Chuu groans in exasperation beside me, her eyes boring on me worryingly. I shrug, smiling at her as I tug on her arm to lead her away from where we were standing. 

_ Yerim shudders, she exhales shakily as she leans on Hyeju. The quiet lull that has settled between them is broken and Hyeju inhales deeply, her fingertips are numb from the cold. It’s always easy to forget about reality when they’re together. Hyeju loosens her hold on Yerim, squeezing her before letting go. She removes the jacket that she had laid on her legs to protect them from the cold, as she chooses to cover Yerim instead. “You know, I think existing can be a good thing too. We hurt each other without meaning to, but we also make other people happy unknowingly just because we exist.” _

_ “What’s this? Did we suddenly swap places and you finally realized the power of being a happy-go-lucky person like me?” Yerim chuckles, her voice sounded watery even as she tries to hide her face on Hyeju’s shoulder. Hyeju is reminded of her mother from the action. Hyeju feels a quick sudden pang, readily disappearing after prickling her chest, and her heart is momentarily squeezed by the notion and she is quick to bury it deep within her. She chuckles, hugging Yerim closer than before to her as she tries to stop herself from hearing anything else than the faint pitter-patter of the rain. _

** _(Park Gowon)_ **

Olivia had taken to taking naps on my lap sometimes when I’m reading a book, and there is always something about the way that she would let me play with her hair that makes me feel warm and content. It puts me at ease. It feels like stroking fur. And it reminds me of my grandfather’s cabin that had a fake bear rug that I used to lie on so I can be closer to the fireplace. It’s one of my few treasured childhood memories.

“Hey, Ollie?” I whispered, poking her cheek to try and rouse her from her sleep. She opens her eyes slowly, her smile faint as she looks up from my lap, but there’s something with the way that her eyes had looked at me at this moment. “Had a good dream?” There’s something about the way that her eyes avoided mine, the way that her lips are pursed, the way that her throat moved as if she’s trying to swallow something down, and all these little things make me worry. She smiled at me but she looked uncomfortable. 

“It wasn’t unpleasant,” she grunted sitting-up to stretch her limbs. She sighs as she tries to fix her disheveled hair. Her forehead scrunched up as she scowled, her face looking more sad than disgruntled as she looked up to the ceiling, giving up on trying to gather her hair.

“Want to eat while we talk about it?” I ask, laying my book down before giving her a hair tie. She looks grumpier than usual. She shrugs, her bangs falling over. It had grown so long that it could already cover her eyes. I sigh, getting-up from my seat so I can stand in front of her. She fidgets from her seat, blowing at her bangs so she can look through them. Even with her hair tied, she only looks more dissatisfied. 

“You know, Satre once said, “Hell is other people”, but I have learned that comfort comes from other people too,” I remark softly, my hands stopping her from trying to tug her hair with more force necessary to remove the hair tie. I look at her with a smile, watching as her eyes relax from her scowl. Her lips quirk to a small smile, her features softening as her smile removes the almost permanent creases on her forehead, a side effect from how often disgruntled she was. My hand tugs on the hair tie softly, watching her bangs and the long strands of her black hair back as I comb it back with my fingers to make it easier to tie into a passable bun. 

“You really like taking care of people, don’t you?” Olivia chuckles, her eyes looking tired as she removes my hands from her hair so she can play with them. Her hands are bigger than mine, mine was completely covered as she squeezed them in between her own.

“I am trying this thing called being a responsible adult you see, it seemed like all I was ever good at was being a pretty rich girl before,” I replied with a wink, chuckling as Olivia’s smile widened with my teasing. “But in all seriousness, you know, I only learned how to dress myself up by the time I was shipped away for boarding school. I had people to look after my every need and to follow my every whim. I had all the attendants necessary, each with a specialty of their own. I was given a literal spoiled rich girl’s life.”

“How did you even manage to survive when you learned how to eat peasant food?” she asks with a chuckle, her hands warm as she fiddles with my small hands, eyes crinkling, it makes me feel elated in a way that I couldn’t properly explain. 

_   
  
_

“I learned to accept help that made me feel vulnerable. I learned to not be alone,” I answered, squeezing her hands as I tried to hold them on my own when she stopped playing with my fingers to look at me. Her eyes are curious in their intent gaze, there was still a faint flush from sleep on her cheeks, and her lower lip is caught between her teeth. Everything about her in this moment served to make her look even more intense than when she is disgruntled. 

“That’s easier said than done, unnie,” she whispers, breaking the trance that I have been trapped on, staring at her face. She stands, towering over me as she smiles at me. “I think we should order take out for tonight again.”

I nod at her, clearing my throat from the sudden feeling of dryness that I have just noticed. I think I need to finish up the tea that I had been drinking.

_ Hyeju looks at the pallid face of her mother, her hands shaking as it tries to lift her frail form. Hyeju wished she wasn’t there to see her. She wished she was not there to see the only person she had ever loved so strongly wither and waste away, a flower suffering under the glowering sun. Maybe it was God that had willed these things to happen. Maybe she was just fated to be taken from her just like everybody else. _

_ “I hope you don’t hate me, Hyeju,” she tries to mutter with her hoarse voice, or maybe she had tried to croak out, she had given up on trying to lift herself up and face Hyeju. “I’m sorry I couldn't even sit.” _

_ “Ma...” Hyeju wanted to say something. But there was nothing. She sat there gaping and she couldn’t even muster up the courage to say that she could never hate her. Hyeju hates everyone but her. She hates her father for leaving them and now trying to act like he actually cared. She hates her teachers because they couldn’t even try to be subtle with their prodding and gossip. She hates herself because she’s selfish for wanting everyone to suffer except her mother. She hates everything that made it possible for her mother to be sick like this. She wanted to cry and let herself be weak. _

_ “You know, you're the reason mama is fighting to stay alive. Mama loves you so much she wishes she could stay with you to see you grow wrinkly and old.” Hyeju hates everything in the world but her mother. “You’re the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on and I’m sorry you have to see Mama like this, Hyeju.” Hyeju hates herself because she’s the most pathetic person she knows, and all she can do for the only person that has ever loved her is to just stand over her and watch her waste away. _

** _(Jeon Heejin)_ **

I sigh, looking up from studying, my eyes feeling tired as I check for the time on my phone after leaving it on mute as soon as she had told Chuu of her plans for the night. It’s already seven, I had spent four hours studying and ignoring people already. My phone rings. A call that I have been dreading to answer since after lunch.

“Hi, mom,” I answer as soon as the call connects. We exchanged pleasantries. We asked questions about each other’s plan for tomorrow, talked about my allowance for the week, and if I’m going for my break. The night has gotten colder and I want to pack-up my books so I can order dinner and eat already.

“How's your birthday so far?” my mom asks suddenly after a lull settled in our conversation, her voice had become worried. “What are you doing? You're not alone, are you?”

“I'm not,” I lied, maintaining my usual cheerful voice as much as I could. I signal for the waiter over and I clear my throat, pretending to be in a hurry as I speak again, “I'm out drinking with my friends. We're having a birthday party.” The waiter arrives. I order drinks and side dishes instead of dinner. “Mom, I have to go. My friends are waiting.”

“Okay, have fun!” she yells in a hurry from the other line, speaking fast as if worried that I really am going to hang-up, “You know how much I miss you, right?” Another voice goes through and mom laughs. “Dad says he misses you too.”

“Me too,” I answer softly, “I'll call you guys some other time.”

The call ends and I wish they wouldn’t see me now as I become a worrisome person struggling in trying to become an adult. They love me so much that I’m afraid of how much of a disappointment I have become. My order arrives and I open the bottle of soju first before looking at the plate of food it came with. I down the first shot and my eyes sting, the burning sensation travels from my mouth as they trickle liquid fire down my throat to bring me flushed as it settles on my stomach. There’s a peal of loud laughter from behind me and I ignore them, wishing that the warmth I’m feeling now is actually real.

_ (Jinsol looks over to Haseul, watching how she slumps over the cold marble of the kitchen counter as she sighs. Her hair is disheveled, growing even messier as she tries to fix it with her tired hands, her cheeks look pale under the light, her eyes are drooping- almost to closing with how she looks under the light. Haseul has the tendency to look more morose as the night drags on, even when they start happily drunk. Jinsol had noticed how Haseul grows more silent as the night grows and the less drunk they feel. It makes her feel colder when there’s nothing but the silence between them. It makes it easier to do things that they would regret in the morning with their rationality intact once again. _

_ “Have you guys ever slept together?” Sooyoung asks suddenly from somewhere beside her, it snaps Jinsol out of her reverie- freezing her from delving deeper into her usual musing when she’s drunk and alone with Haseul. Jinsol sighs, drumming her fingers on the counter as she turns to look at her, blinking as she tries to gather her thoughts for a proper response. She opens her mouth, hesitating as she looks at Sooyoung and her knowing eyes. _

_ “Once,” Haseul interrupts them groggily, trying to prop herself up by her elbows. She keeps on slipping and it’s somehow hilarious enough to distract Jinsol from Haseul’s answer to Sooyoung’s question. Haseul pauses, sighing again as she lays her hands flat on the surface to scowl at Jinsol, who had become busy laughing as Haseul struggled. She clears her throat, waiting for Jinsol’s laughter to die down before turning to face Sooyoung and to continue her response, “We had sex once, but it was, like, when we were drunk and she was still hung-up on Jungeun- I mean she’s still hung up on her, but-” _

_ “It was inevitable. You had a crush on Jinsol in high school. You still couldn’t get Vivi unnie to talk to you, Jinsol can’t go on without mentioning Jungeun, and you were both attractive enough to distract each other? Is what you’re trying to say, right?” Sooyoung finishes for Haseul smugly, her eyes glinting in a way that looked too pleased with herself, it made Jinsol uncharacteristically angry for a reason that she cannot name. The feeling sends an unpleasant sensation to her stomach, it burns as it travels to her throat, making her want to throw up as she struggles to rein it in. She closes her eyes, bites the inside of her cheeks, and prays that she wouldn’t start crying- but that changes when she hears a faint sniffle from where Haseul sits across from her. She’s crying. _

_ “It happened once, Sooyoung. You don’t have any business with whatever it is that’s happening between us,” Jinsol utters through gritted teeth, “You shouldn’t even talk like a know-it-all when we all know that you can’t even get yourself to keep a girlfriend even with all the people vying for your attention because you’re shit when it comes to treating them right.” _

_ “Woah, then what the fuck am I? Just some girl that you can’t care about because I’m not Jungeun?” Sooyoung exclaims in disgust, her brown eyes turning sharp and darker as they glare at Jinsol. “It’s not my fault that you guys are drunk again when we literally have midterms next week. You’re a mess Jinsol and you’re dragging Haseul into your spiral. You’re both feeding each other reasons to continue whatever this thing that’s leading into nowhere!” _

_ “Well, shit, Sooyoung,” Jinsol yells, gripping into the counter as she tries to stand, “Maybe we just wanted to-” _

_ “To what Jinsol? Look at Haseul!” Sooyoung interrupts, her cheeks flushed with anger as she gets off her stool, “Maybe try to consider how there are other ways to solve your emotions other than just drowning yourselves in alcohol every other night. I’m your friend, not just some girl that you guys would call to take care of the mess that you guys have become, and then just ignore me every sober moment of your day. Yoejin has been asking me about Haseul for days now, even the kid that hangs around her tried to corner me about Haseul, and Vivi, were you guys even thinking about her? Because She actually has been the one dealt with the shortest end of the stick. She’s the one dealing with the burden left with the brunt of the work that Haseul had been ignoring. I’m tired of thinking up ways to help you guys when you wouldn’t let me!” _

_ “I’m sorry, Soo-” Haseul sobs, her voice shaky and almost incomprehensible, her hands traveling to her hair as she tries to sweep them back with both her hands. “I’m sorry.” _

_ Jinsol and Sooyoung are quick to go over to Haseul, their hands meeting on Haseul’s back as they try to soothe the sobs wracking through her body.) _

  
  
  


♪ Happy birthday to me! ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Heejin! ♪

♪ Happy birthday to me! ♪

I sang to myself, joyously drunkenly swaying as I lumber through. I feel so giddy, free from any restriction or inhibition. I don’t know if the wind is cold. I don’t know why my limbs can’t seem to work properly. I don’t really remember what time it is already, or when I got out of the taxi. I seem to be on campus already, I see the stairs leading to the dorms and I wanted to rush climbing, but I think I forgot something because I had to steady myself on the rails. I paused, clutching the rails as tightly as I could. Laughing to myself as I press my cheek closely, the cold metal feels nice. I sighed, humming as I tried to stop myself from hanging over the rails to vomit. I think there’s someone behind me, I should really get up and move, but I feel so nice where I am.

“Heejin?” I can hear Hyunjin’s voice, maybe she’s the new sound of reason for me, I wonder if my subconscious would make her wear something ridiculous like a clown suit or something. I mean, becoming a cricket perched upon my shoulder would be weirder, but somehow I know Hyunjin’s face would remain stoic in all situations. I chuckled, clutching on the rails harder to steady my head. 

“Heejin, are you alright?” Hyunjin sounds so real. I sighed, she hadn’t even greeted me today, but Olivia somehow gave a present. This day is just- Someone nudges me from behind, taking a steady gentle grip on my shoulder.

“Huh?” I mumble, I open my eyes slowly, my grip on the reality of my situation slowly returning. I turn sharply, the hand on my shoulder somehow becoming more alarming to me now than earlier. Maybe I should have actually called Chuu to pick me up. I took a deep breath, deciding to finish my fate as quickly as possible, my head turned sharply to look upon who’s been nudging me gently, and the motion sickness had me reeling as I tried to stop myself from puking on the person who’s behind me.

“Underwear!” I squealed in surprise, the sound of my own voice startling me as I looked up at Hyunjin with wide eyes. She’s crouched down behind me, the look on her face not so dissimilar from our first meeting that I would have burst out laughing if I didn’t choke on my own spit. I coughed, gasping for air as Hyunjin pats my back, my eyes watering as I tried to breathe slowly. My earlier drowsiness is gone, replaced by the need to hide away somehow because _ death by choking on a spit while startled _ would have been a larger taint on my family’s history.

“I’m sorry I startled you,” Hyunjin mutters, her cheeks pink as she helps me stand back to my feet with a hand on my shoulder and the other on my waist. It feels warm.

“Uh?” She lets go of me, and all I can do is stare at her, my voice sounds stranger to my ears. “Hey, I mean, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“Heejin,” she mutters, worriedly pointing to my cheeks, “You're turning red. I think you're still too drunk, the guards probably wouldn’t let you in.” She checks her watch. “And me either because it’s already time for the curfew.”

“Oh,” I answer in a daze as I look at her long fingers, my hands instinctively rising to my cheeks before realizing what she means. “Oh!” I repeat sheepishly, “I knew that.”

“Do you want to walk with me and get some fresh air?” she asks, chuckling as she looks at where the dorm is. I nodded as an answer to her. I tried to sling my bag to my shoulder but she had stopped me, taking my bag as she carried it for me instead. I smiled at her in thanks and she nodded at me as she took my hand to help me stay upright as I tried to walk. I would have been fined if I had actually walked there. And we walked away from the stairs where I was about to fall asleep drunk. I sigh. Her hands feel warm. I want to bang my head. 

  
  


As our walk brought us to the park, we had finished talking about the reason why she’s also late in returning to the dorms along the way. Laughing as I learned that her brother was playing with his friends in the park earlier and they needed someone to score for them. She would have been a player, but she doesn’t really want to run around and reek of sweat because she doesn’t have a change of clothes. I laughed, I don’t really know what I found hilarious about her story, but it did help entertain me before we reached the court. Too bad, I bet, she would have looked great playing.

“Want to play a shooting game with me?” I hear myself saying suddenly before panicking, rambling as I tried to give reason to the urge to see Hyunjin play basketball, “I mean, we are just going to be shooting hoops really. We wouldn’t be running around because I know I wouldn’t be able to put up a good defense or offense or something. And I don’t even know how to shoot a basketball, just the arcade version.”

Hyunjin looks at me, a small smile on her lips as she nods, “I’ll go look for the ball we usually hide here so we wouldn’t have to borrow from the school.” She takes off excitedly, leaving my bag as she lets go of my hand, and I want to sit down because I feel like I might fall over so I just dropped my bag down instead because it feels heavy. My gaze travels back to Hyunjin. She’s crouching down to look below one of the benches in the park, she heaves as her hands disappear below. The sound of something clicking echoed through the park, it helps that we’re the only two people in the middle of the night, Hyunjin picks something up before running back to me again. She’s holding a ball, a little worn and discolored, but it’s weirdly more endearing that way.

“I’ll give you time to practice before we start,” she begins, dribbling the ball as she talks to me easily. She’s so coordinated. She pauses, looking at the hoop before doing that weird shooting pose multiple times, humming as she gauges the distance before nodding to herself, “And I also will give you some pointers before we start.” 

I can only nod before she’s already behind me, holding my hand as she tries to help me handle the ball. Her hands are so much bigger than mine, they were able to completely envelop mine as she whispers some instructions close to my ears. I can’t even remember half of what she had been saying, but I think I got the gist of it. She’s taller than me. Her shoulders are wide. And if I lean enough, I could feel a little bit of muscle through her shirt because she removed her coat so her movements wouldn’t be restricted or something like that.

“Practice is over,” Hyunjin chuckles, watching me finally shoot my first continued shots after a series of failures, “You’ll get too good on me and this is just your first time.”

“Already?” I pouted. She’s smiling at me widely, her eyes crinkling more than I have ever seen them in a period of time.

“Three shots each,” Hyunjin dribbles the ball again, her feet are already in position as she raises her hands while looking at the hoop. “I'll go first.”

“1:0,” I say dejectedly, going after the ball as it landed on the court. It was one of those no hoops shot. Just clean _ swish _with the net. I got into position worriedly, trying so hard to emulate what Hyunjin had positioned me into earlier. I don’t even think I can actually remember what I did earlier to be able to shoot the ball. 

“Heejin,” Hyunjin calls me over my own nervous clutching of the ball and I turn to her. She’s smiling at me encouragingly, motioning for me to lower the ball as she continues coaching me. “Instead of shooting it from above your head, try shooting it from below.”

“It went in!” I yelled in delight, pumping my fists. Hyunjin arrives beside me, dribbling the ball as she watches me try to collect myself. I feel so giddy.

“Good job!” she praises me, chuckling as she positions for her next shot. I don’t even think I care that she’s already about to win- or not because I have suddenly become invested in this little game and I’m wishing that she would miss somehow. I’m praying for the impossible, but it would be great if I could actually win. She shrugs her shoulder, dribbling the ball one last time before aiming for the ring again. And I watch with bated breath as the ball soars high, hits the ring, bouncing off the board, before, lastly, fell it on the ground where I should have run off to catch it. 

“Missed!” I gasped, a moment after watching in amazement as the ball bounced to the ground, and rolling away completely far off the court. “1:1!” I squealed in excitement. Laughing as I ran to the ball, I would have skipped away after it if I don’t still feel a little off, nonetheless, Hyunjin missed and that means I actually have a chance to win. 

“This is your last chance!” I yell to her as I pass the ball over to her. She’s smiling at me, her smile fond as she catches the ball smoothly, dribbling the ball again before she readies for her last shot. She’s smiling as if she already knows what’s going to know what would happen and the ball is soaring once again. I actually felt a little nervous, I would really love to brag about winning against Hyunjin, but I quickly dismissed my worries as soon as it became obvious that the ball’s trajectory had been lower than what Hyunjin had planned. She was off the mark again because it bounced off the ring. 

“Missed,” I whispered, almost incredulous before looking at her. I laughed, actually clutching the ball with more confidence as I yelled happily, “Yes! I win if I make this shot, right?”

“Yes,” she nods at me, smiling. I turned to the ring, watching her from my peripheral as I rolled my shoulders to help myself relax. She’s biting her lip as if trying to stifle a little chuckle, but she was unsuccessful by the way that her cheeks had puffed up. I turned to look at her again and she raised her hands at me this time, she’s cheering me on and I feel satisfaction within myself knowing that I feel confident that I would win our little match. I lowered the ball, gauging the distance as I tried to emulate what I had done my first try of shooting the ball. With my slow and little strength, I released the ball with ease, watching it with focus and eagerness as it made its way to the hoop. Everything feels too slow and too fast at once. The ball hit the board, circling through the hoop, almost standing still before tipping into the net.

“I did it!” I jumped, running to Hyunjin as I held onto her shoulders, “I won, didn't I?” I squealed happily, rubbing my eye as if actually waiting for a tear to fall. “I won- Oops!”

“What's wrong?” Hyunjin quickly held the hand that I had used to rub my eye with. She’s looking at my eye, her hand softly holding on to my own as she waits for me to answer worriedly.

“I think I just lost my lens,” I muttered, my eyes looking down as I try to squint through the gray pavement. “I just bought it. It's brand new. I'm so clumsy.”

“Lens?” Hyunjin repeats, crouching down as she squints on the court’s ground with me. She had pulled her phone out of her pocket, using her phone’s flashlight as she scoured for my missing lens. “Don't move, Heejin.”

“Where is it?” I muttered, squinting along from where Hyunjin is flashing her phone. Looking for anything that would reflect the light from the phone.

“Oh.” Hyunjin pauses, picking up something before standing back up to come to me, “Found it.”

“You did? For real?” I asked, relieved as I looked at her finger presenting my missing lens. 

“This is it, right?” I nod, retrieving my bag off the ground. 

“Thanks,” I thanked her, sighing in relief as I rummaged through my bag for my lens case and my glasses. “I think I’ll be wearing my glasses.”

Hyunjin’s phone rings, the sound of it echoing through the night. She excused herself, smiling at me apologetically as she walked a few steps away for some privacy, and I smiled back before walking to a nearby bench. I laid my bag down, using it as a pillow as I closed my eyes for a little bit. I feel tired.

_ (Hyunjin looks back to where Heejin had laid herself down, smiling before answering the call from Ryujin. _

_ “Hyunjin, aren't you coming?” The rude cheeky brat, Hyujin thought to herself, she doesn’t even sound worried. _

_ “Hello to you too. I broke the curfew and got locked out,” Hyunjin replied, shivering from the cold a little. _

_ “Are you with her now?” Ryujin asks excitedly, her voice noticeably perkier to Hyunjin’s chagrin. Ryujin’s curiosity about Heejin had started to grate on Hyunin’s nerves. She sounded too smug about Hyunjin’s incompetence. “Did you give her the tickets?” _

_ “I'll head to my brother’s for a quick stop first, bye.” Hyunjin cuts the conversation short, not giving Ryujin any chance to ask more questions and not allowing her to bugger her later in the dorms. She sighs, looking at her phone’s clock and noticing that it’s already three am. Only two more hours before the dorms open again.) _

“Go ahead and sleep,” Hyunjin tells me in a soft murmur, I had woken up from her covering me with her coat.

“No, I'm okay,” I tried to answer dismissively, sluggishly trying to sit up, but she halts me with a gentle hand on my shoulder. She smiles at me wide as she shakes her head. 

“I'll keep watch for you.” She smiles at me, fixing the coat to cover me again. I wanted to protest but nothing came out instead a yawn, so I nodded. Letting my eyes close once again as I snuggled to Hyunjin’s coat. She smells exactly as I imagined; of laundry detergent, deodorant, and something that smells distinctly Hyujin, strong and subtle and comforting as she brings me to a peaceful sleep.

I open my eyes to the sight of Hyunjin stretching her legs, her back straight as she faces away from me. The sun has started its rise, the sound returning as it sheds light on everything, but its rays are still gentle as they shower Hyunjin in cool tones. She looks softly striking as the world around her begins to wake up, a ray that came a little earlier than the others as the sight of her warms me even more than her coat had. I sat up, folding the coat in my lap. “You must've been cold because of me.”

Hyunji pauses from her next pose, turning to me with a small smile before jogging over to where I am. She feels brighter. “No, don't worry about it,” she tells me, shrugging as her eyes roam over my face, accepting her coat as soon as I offered it back to her. “I don't really get cold, but, um, how is your hangover?”

“I am fine, thanks,” I reply, standing up as I check my own phone for the time. I forgot to remove my glasses again. As I turn to her almost frantic, she stands and hands over my glasses with my bag and I smile at her in gratitude. I somehow forgot to check for my messages before I fell asleep. Chuu would kill me.

“That's good. Well then,” she clears her throat, smiling at me before bowing with her hands on her back, “I'll see you later.”

“Yeah, thanks again,” I answer softly, disappointment welling up inside of me, and I don’t even know why. I frowned, turning away from her.

“Hey, Heejin!” 

“Yes?” I stopped from tracks, hopeful as I looked at her extending something from her back. It must have been what she had been fiddling with.

“Take this.” She almost shoves what she had been holding to me. She had cast her gaze away as soon as I received it, her eyes not meeting mine as I examined what she had given me.

“Saul Leiter's photo exhibition?” I read the words. It’s the ticket that I couldn’t buy. She remembered. “Are you... Really giving this to me?”

“I know it's late, but happy birthday,” she says to me, finally meeting my eyes as her hands nervously fiddled with her coat. I smiled at her, holding her presents close to me as I looked at her. My heart feels weirdly at peace and troubled, but somehow it makes sense when I look at Hyunjin.

“To tell you the truth, it was not the best birthday…” I confessed. Hyunjin stiffened, her eyes crinkling in worry and I chuckled, touching her hands as they had paused with her in her worry. “Until now. You've made it all better. Thank you.”

“It's nothing,” Her cheeks pinkened, her smile small as she met my stare. She squeezes my hand, smiling wider as her eyes hide in little crescents. “Well…” She clears her throat, sounding nervous again, her smile disappearing, and I squeezed her hand this time, “You know we’ve known each other for some time now. How about we lose the, umm, formality and hang-out sometimes and do stuff that’s not, like- just not about school stuff?”

“Okay,” I answered without hesitation. Hyunjin’s eyes widened in surprise and my smile grew bigger as hers appeared on her face again. She squeezes my hand before letting go.

“Cool.” Hyunjin nods, her voice sounded shaky, and I giggled. She bows at me again, chuckling before she sets off jogging away from me. “Well,” she pauses, turning to me as she waves, “I'll see you around, Heejin!” 

“Take care!” I shouted back at her. I inhaled deeply, I looked at the ticket and wondered if maybe I should invite her to go with me.

  
  
  


_ Heejin looks at Olivia’s eyes, watching the darkness of her brown eyes as they disappear into a smile, and somehow she feels a little braver. Heejin ducks her head, tucks a strand of hair to her ear, smiling softly before looking up to Olivia again. _

_ “Come to think of it,” she says with a little tilt to her head, her smile becoming wider as she continues with every word, “Sometimes a friendship stems from a feeling of gratitude. So you know, even though you’re a person who is hard to understand, if someone recognizes your efforts it can help create a bond for something to develop from.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you who watch anime, you had probably guessed where the chapter title came from (lol I'm also a weeb I should really pick a struggle). I also used an anime reference before this one, and if you could spot it from the previous chapters then you are most definitely a fan of the classics.
> 
> If anyone wants to play a GAYme to stave off boredom this quarantine, I recommend Honkai Impact 3rd. It has action and amazing storylines.
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	13. Obscenely Idyllic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yerim wonders for more.  
Haseul hopes for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people!
> 
> I don't have much to report other than my health is just okay. Sometimes.... 
> 
> Anyways, happy reading folks! Stay safe! And thank Kevin again!!

_ “Do you think people can change?” Yerim asks, her head on Yeojin’s lap. Yerim sighs contentedly, her fingers skimming over the soft velvety pajamas. The feeling makes Yerim ponder if it was made from something expensive like silk, which brought her to the conclusion that it might be something that Yeojin had stolen from Haseul’s wardrobe again. Yeojin had been doing that more these days. Yerim often wonders if it's to make Haseul mad at her, but she wouldn’t know because she had not seen Haseul home a lot of these days. They would usually be accepting calls later, either from Gowon or Sooyoung, and it would be to see Haseul sobbing again. But tonight, they hope, is different. It’s a rare moment of quiet, with Sooyoung already calling them earlier to tell them where Haseul would be, which was why they had decided to spend their only free night from studying from exams to watch a movie again. _

_ Yeojin pauses the movie, her hands falling to play with Yerim’s hair, and it makes Yerim giggle. Yeojin is a consistently nice person, Yerim had noticed. She was someone willing to give her full attention to you even when you’re just being silly. Yeojin snorted at her, erupting into laughter as Yerim’s hand pokes at her side. And Yeojin’s laugh had become fascinating to Yerim then. She was a picture of pure abandoned joy. Her laughter starts with the corners of her eyes crinkling, lines forming as they turn into little crescents that somehow shines even when her eyes are just little brown glittering stars almost hiding under them. Her lips wide as her voice rings loud in the quiet of the darkened room, it was just like how she always usually is. Always, unabashedly happy. She’s very consistent, and it’s a thought that brings a wide smile to Yerim’s lips as she watches Yeojin’s eyes reappear with her smile becoming softer. _

  
  


_ (Dating Survival Class) _

** _(Kim Yerim)_ **

It’s another sunny day. Sometimes, on idyllic days like these, I wonder if sunny days should always follow me. Hyeju had hated how it’s almost always raining when she’s around me, but I miss those kinds of days. It was something that reminded me of days that I get to be just quiet, and when Hyejoo would sometimes just let me be by her side. I find it weird how I can see her more these days but it’s almost like I’m not even allowed to look at her anymore. She was the best friend that I had ever had. It’s almost ironically funny how she may have never even looked at me the same way. 

“Bloop!” Yeojin distracts me, her hand bopping my nose after she scoops the cherry off my weird avocado flavored ice cream. We’re spending our lunch break at the mini-park of our uni, thoroughly enjoying a bask in the sun after we had brought new ice cream flavor experiments from the restaurant that Vivi unnie had allowed us to have. I laugh, squinting my eyes at her in pretend annoyance as she scoops another dollop from my cup to bite. My laugh morphs into a grimace as she goes to chew the ice cream, staring me in the eyes with unwarranted defiance. I look at her, my disgust turning into concern as I watch her try to look like she’s enjoying her food through her brain freeze. She’s stubborn like that. Her smile freezes, her lips twitching for a second, before she releases a loud cry of distress. Her hands travel to her ears as she huddles closer to me over the little picnic mat that we had laid out, but it’s just a scratchy blanket from Vivi unnie’s car that we had borrowed for the occasion.

“Oh my god! Yeojin, you dolt!” I laughed, wrapping my hands around her head, and rubbing her ears, as she finally groans from her mistake. Her head is small, soft, and cold, no doubt from the amount of ice cream that she had already consumed before trying to steal more from my cup, but there’s something unmistakably funny about how she’s headstrong, metaphorically and literally. She bites her lips, looking up at me with her big watery round eyes, her bun messy on her head as she sniffs. 

“I think you need to treat me for dinner later,” she croaks, her voice a little hoarse from the amount of ice cream that she had consumed.

“Only if Vivi unnie allows you to close the restaurant early to eat at my room,” Yeojin opens her mouth, about to protest, but my hands are quick to cup her cheeks, making her pause as I pinch them to stop her from making unnecessary noises except her little squeals of annoyance, and I shake my head at her, ”But only because I’ve been missing time from the dorms, my roommate had started to forget about me! Did you know she locked the door before curfew yesterday?”

Yeojin slaps my hands off her cheeks, making me gasp as I let go. “Well, I have been telling you,” she grunts, massaging her cheeks while pouting at me, “You should just live in an apartment like Gowon unnie. Less hassle and all that.”

“But Gowon unnie is already part of the adult workforce,” I pouted back at her, my ice cream was officially forgotten as I cup her cool cheeks again, “Plus I heard her family’s quite rich.”

She hangs her head, her hands traveling to her hair as she squeezes her buns, deep in thought as she hums. I giggled at her before freezing as I remember my ice cream cup and finding nothing but a creamy green drink left on the cup. 

“So live with me!” Yeojin suddenly declares proudly, puffing her cheeks to appeal more to me, “Haseul unnie’s not even home much so you don’t have competition in trying to annoy me!”

“You mean, in taking care of you?” I pinch her cheek again, “Yeojin, you’re a good cook, but you’re a slob like your sister!” I continue as I chuckle at the offended look on her face, “Gowon unnie’s better when it comes to cleaning and she’s like a princess!” 

“Well, she can’t cook so it balances itself out!” she huffs, her hands reaching to try to pinch my cheeks in vengeance as I start to lean back. I giggle at her effort, my hold on her cheek loosening as I continue to evade her short reach.

“Yeojin! You’re so small! You make Gowon unnie look so tall when you’re beside her,” I tease, using my hand to lean as far back as possible as the other holds her off by holding her head in place, “What even are you trying to do?”

“That’s cheating!” she complains, and my giggles erupt into laughter, my hand giving out on me as I fall on the blanket with Yeojin’s weight still leaning on me. My laughter dies out, my breath knocked out of me by Yeojin falling on top of me. My chest aches with her weight bearing down on me; soft, warm, and heavy as a moment passes between us. I groan, letting Yeojin roll off me as I try to breathe through the slight pain. I turn to look at Yeojin, our eyes meeting as I clutch my chest. We stare at each other. My heart beating fast in my chest. The leaves rattle as a gust of wind disturbs us with coolness, making both of us shiver before we both erupt into loud laughter. Yeojin’s brown eyes disappear with her loud laughter, and I look back up to watch the tree above us. The wind blows again, and the branches rattle, shaking as if laughing with us in this obscenely idyllic moment.

  
  
  


_ “Jindorie, ever think about what Sooyoung does for her part-time job?” Haseul asks, groaning as she stretches from her hunched position while studying her notes. Her head hurts and she wants something to distract her. “I mean, like, I heard she’s like some nepotism conglomerate kind of rich.” _

_ “We know she’s rich. She’s told us about her boarding school days, Seul,” Jinsol mumbles distractedly, rolling off her belly to lay comfortably on her bed as she continues to read something on her notes. “‘Sides you offered her work from your family restaurant but she declined because of something about her “thespian rehearsal schedules” or something that sounds as ridiculous. She’s probably alone in the auditorium again tonight, practicing for their performance exam.” _

_ A moment passes by between them. The noise of pencil scratching against paper and pages being turned remains to be the only noise between them. Yeojin has gone somewhere with Yerim for dinner and they’re the only ones left in the apartment. They continue for a few moments of stretched uneasy silence for Haseul. She squirms on her seat, sighing as she rips another page off her notes. She doesn’t understand why but her eyes seem to hurt, her hands massaging her head more than she could count for tonight. _

_ “Want to go spy on her now?” Jinsol breaks the silence between them, inhaling deeply as she looks to Haseul. Haseul nods, and she groans, trying to lift her tired heavy body off her chair. _

  
  
  
  


** _(Jo Haseul)_ **

We found Sooyoung at the auditorium, with little light illuminating her, alone on the stage as she moved with practiced ease on the stage. There’s a look on her face that demands attention, her eyes are wide as she smiles crookedly, a bashful tint on her cheeks even as she faces the imaginary crowd. Her hand on her chest as she turns to look on to an imaginary person, her back straight, her voice deepened as she speaks loudly and confidently in the quiet of the echoing room with only a single light to shine on her;

“Make me a willow cabin at your gate,

And call upon my soul within the house;

Write loyal cantons of contemned love

And sing them loud even in the dead of night;

Halloo your name to the reverberate hills

And make the babbling gossip of the air

Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest

Between the elements of air and earth,

But you should pity me!”

It was a mesmerizing sight to watch as Sooyoung plays her character. Hearing the little tremors on her voice as she almost shouts with an exalted passion to someone we can almost believe to be able to see, vehemently declaring herself before turning bashful again for a fraction of a second, as if she had caught herself and realized what she had said only after, and then she turns again as she returns to a more steady practiced confidence. It was magical. Sooyoung pauses on her stride, collecting herself with a deep inhale, closing her eyes as she disconnects from character, before crouching down to pick up the script of the play that she had been practicing.

“Boo!” Jinsol interrupts Sooyoung as she loses herself on mouthing the next lines, “Where’s the rest of the show?”

Sooyoung looks up to the sound of Jinsol’s voice, startled as she squints through the seats to find our figures hiding in the darkness. She perks up the moment she spies our waving hands from the seats, her laugh echoing with ours as she gets off the stage to come to us.

“What are you losers doing here?” Sooyoung asks as soon as she's close enough to slap Jinsol’s shoulder, laughing as she watches Jinsol almost lose her balance.

“That’s a mean way of telling us you miss us also!” I say laughingly pushing her shoulder.

“Well, you guys are interrupting my rehearsal,” she replies with a chuckle as she leans on a seat’s back.

“But I thought you only chose this major because thespian rhymes with lesbian!” I tease, sitting back down on the seat I had previously occupied. My head still hurts, I’m going to need to drink medicine later.

“That’s a strong accusation coming from someone who is majoring in business but continually plays hockey just so she can flex on girls!” Jinsol declares, chuckling as she also takes a seat, leaning far back on the process as she crosses her arms in front of her.

“I do, but at least I’m not dramatic about it,” Sooyoung gives me a wry look, her eyebrow raised as she stares me in the eye. I pause, clearing my throat as I bring my hands to my chest protectively, rubbing my elbows, as I sheepishly say, “We’ve been pretty dramatic these past few weeks, huh?”

“Yeah, love makes the three of us stupid,” Jinsol chimes in and I burst out in laughter.

“Hey! I’m not part of your drinking dou!” Sooyoung protests.

“Maybe, but you’re still hung up on your girl from boarding school!” Jinsol teases, waggling her brows in mischief, smiling roguishly at Sooyoung as I continue to laugh. 

“God, you guys are making me sound like a stereotypical lesbian,” Sooyoung declares in a huff, “Besides, it was just a crush.”

“Well, you are. I mean, you check out a lot of things from the hat of living life as a lesbian. You graduated from a Christian boarding school, you had like a double life in high school; you played as a nerd during class but led a secret rich lady life, a ballerina turned hip hop bad girl, you had a crush on the cute popular girl but you never confessed to her because you were shy, you met the said girl on this college again after how many years and then you found out you still like her, you’re still a pussy-” Sooyoung hits Jinsol on the shoulder in protest while I continue laughing at how red her face had become, “That couldn’t confess to her, and many more on your lesbian treasure trove of lesbian romance checklist that I couldn’t remember off the top of my head.”

“God, you guys can be the worst friends sometimes,” Sooyoung declares in a huff.

Jinsol laughs, pointing at Sooyoung as she raises her eyebrow, “Shut-up, you never even recounted the juicy details of your love story to us yet or even just her name, just the bits that you threw out to us like tiny bones that we could gnaw on.”

“You are one to talk! You’ve never even told us why you have fallen in love with Jungeun!” Sooyoung retorts.

“It’s just that there was nothing really special about how I fell in love with Jungeun,” Jinsol’s voice softens, a wan smile settles on her face as she looks up, her gaze fixed on somewhere we couldn’t even follow. She shakes her head, sighs before looking back at us, her voice almost a forced ringing loudness in the quiet room, “‘Sides, the question is about you Soo!”

“Well, it was probably just another normal day for that girl!” Sooyoung declares, a strained smile on her face even as her gaze has glazed over with a faraway look of basking on a memory that she seems to be fond of. “I think she was just always a nice kind of person. It was just so easy to look at her and think of sunshine. You know she smiles a lot and it’s easy to like people that can make you laugh even when they’re not trying to do so.”

_ Sooyoung hangs her head low, sighing again for more times than she would probably want to count. She wants to bang her head, laugh at her misery, destroy her glasses, and scowl at any person who would pass her by just so she could lash out, and all the while wanting to wallow in how deplorable she thinks her situation had become. For as long as she could remember, she had always been the one to take care of her small cousin while declaring her abhorrence for anything disingenuous, and yet she is about to break another promise to herself. _

_ “I’m pathetically selfish,” she lets out unknowingly, tears pooling on her eyes as she finally removes her glasses from her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose in pretend to wipe any evidence of her own weakness. She sighs again, finally hiding her head on her arms as she tries to collect herself when someone suddenly takes the seat beside her. She looks up to a sight of a bubbly girl, unabashedly happily munching on something as she arranges her books on the table. Her cheeks puff up with every large bite, her pretty pink lips opening widely as she swallows a whole one every time she picks one from her little bag. The sight of her eating almost makes it almost look like she’s jamming as much cookie as she possibly could to her mouth, and she seems unconcerned with the mess it creates as it leaves messy crumbs on her cheeks. _

_ “Want a cookie?” the girl asks suddenly with a wide smile on her face as soon as she had noticed Sooyoung looking at her. It was such a ridiculous sight for Sooyoung that she let out a giggle, watching the girl look at her confused and almost wary. It was all the more amusing for Sooyoung as she fixes her gaze on the little crease of concern on the girl’s forehead. _

_ “I’m sorry, it’s just that,” Sooyoung points at the sign plastered on a shelf near them, “You’re not allowed to eat or drink inside the library.” _

_ The girl panics, her smile still wide even as she becomes flustered in frantically trying to hide her bag of cookies back on her bag. Her round cheeks taint with a pretty shade of pink, she bows to try and pretend like she’s rummaging for something on her bag, her brown hair falls over her face briefly covering her face, and it distracts Sooyoung, even more, when the girl sweeps them off her face to tuck them behind her ear. The girl clears her throat, her fingers nervously interlocked together as she holds a pen between her hands, giggling as she looks back to Sooyoung, “I knew that.” _

_ Sooyoung chuckles, pointing to her cheeks as she says to the girl, “You have some…” _

_ “Oh, I also knew that!” The girl’s voice rings even louder as she becomes more flustered and it brings Sooyoung warmth as she watches the girl try to sweep her body for any crumb that might have remained on her person. The student closest to us shushes the girl, annoyed as she points to another sign ‘keep quiet’. The girl smiles sheepishly, bowing her head in apology as she covers her mouth in an effort to stop herself from letting out anything more than her squeal of embarrassment. Sooyoung giggles. The girl turns back to Sooyoung, smiling at her cheekily as she points to the sign and she shushes her. They both cover their mouths as they try to hold back their laughter. _

  
  


It’s unknown to me how I’m somehow sick. My bones felt almost like they would creak with every movement, my head hurting worse than I could remember from all my other hangovers, and my stomach is wildly floppy with acid. In all the days I could have decided to sleep on the restaurant’s kitchen counter, now had to be the day my body would finally give up on me. I was just supposed to check on the restaurant a little bit after Sooyoung and Jinsol dropped me off when the desire to bookkeep arose on me just to stave off a little bit of my guilt on ignoring my responsibilities.

I groaned, trying to lean on the counter so I could reach my phone and call Yeojin to pick me up. I laid my head on the cold surface of the kitchen’s counter, sighing as my hand grasps my phone, speed dialing Yeojin. My head rises from my previous position, the notes that I had laid out rustling, some papers falling as I dragged my hand back to my face as I listened to my phone ringing.

My head throbs, my eyes hazy as I try to keep them open in an effort to stave off my body’s sluggishness. Yeojin had picked up after the third ring and I had asked her to pick me up. I couldn't remember her response, but I could only remember falling asleep again. I feel a little better, I still make myself stand up steadily. My ears pick up the sound of the kitchen door opening, and I struggle easier in trying to keep myself upright as I watch the figure of Vivi unnie walk inside. She smiles at me, her eyes worried even as they softly look at me. My ears are ringing.

“Hey,” Vivi unnie’s voice echoes in my ears, loud and clear even when the haze of my body’s sluggishness clouds any coherent thought that I could form. “Hey…”- she walks closer to me, her face marred with lines. Her worry etched on her face as she searches my face with concern, “Hey… Are you okay? I haven’t seen you for a whole week.”

Her hand lands on my cheek, softly cupping them as she peers deeply into my eyes. She allows a small change to settle on her worried face, her lips tugging upwards as she looks at me, her eyes easing from their usual scowl. Her hand falls to my shoulder and they travel down my arm. Her eyes never stray from my gaze and I cannot blink for fear of missing even a moment. My head throbs even harder and my breathing deepens as I let her do with me as she pleases, with every second that passes she drains more of my strength, filling my whole being instead with her entirety. She’s consuming me with just her existence and it’s exquisite torture to be able to experience the bliss of it. 

It was a curious sensation, her hands gliding over my heated skin, skimming softly as the tips of her fingers sweep the little hairs with its movement. It was chilling and soothing; it opposes itself as it travels to the deafening pounding of my clenched heart, gripped by this moment as it races to keep up with all the sensations that her touch delivers. Her touch makes me want to shiver even as it drives me closer into the serenity of being able to only focus on the tranquility of her entirety. It makes me yearn for more even as innocent as her small touches are. Her thumb travels to my wrist and they stop carefully, softly pressing on as if trying to read more than what I cannot say. She smiles and my breath hitches. She’s so beautiful and my whole being aches for her even more. 

“Are you okay?” she leans closer, pressing our foreheads together and my ears drown with the sound of nothing, “Your heart’s beating crazy fast, and you feel hot.” 

“I don’t know, but I would like to believe that I can be. For better or worse,” I mumble, and when I close my eyes, I feel a single glimpse of relief with her gentle hold on me.

  
  
  


_ Jinsol looks up at the sky, her breath fogging as she continues her walk back to her room. Her steps are easy and fast, strides long and sure, as she listens to the early evening bustle of people. She couldn’t get out much anymore without padding up, her skin feels numb from the cold even with multiple layers. The wind blows a gentle breeze. A falling leaf catches the edges of her eyes, its color was a beautiful fiery red of autumn. It was a picture of a final burning about to be consumed by winter’s cold coming. She pauses on her steps to watch it fall. It was by a lone large tree that she would always pass by on her way to her room, the edges of its branches had already started to fall, and the sight of it was clouded by her breath. Her vision blurs, the tree becomes another picture of unhurried death for her, and it makes her tired by the passing seconds so she resumes her walk. The nights had become longer and colder. The wind blows again and she stuffs her hands farther up the pockets of her coat as she stares up the skies again. She wonders if there would ever be a time that she would stop looking up the blackened sky. The city sky could never really offer her any of the bright stars that she had loved. _

  
  


“Hey, ever think about how literary analysis is stupid?” Yeojin blurts out in the middle of dinner. We’re eating on my study desk because there isn’t much space. The moon casts a gentle glow on us from the open window, the sound of our plastic spoon scraping against the box of take-out and the little bustle of the people outside the room disturbs the little peace between us. There’s a gentle breeze that enters, I shiver and I grip the edges of my coat. She’s humming a little, perhaps she still hadn’t noticed the cold because she’s too deep in thought, biting her plastic spoon. The sight of her reminds me of the blowing wind from this afternoon. 

“What’s this?” I ask chuckling, and she finally looks up to me grinning, “Are you trying to quiz me even when we’re eating?”  
  


“No, stupid!” she responds with a huff, giggling as she licks her spoon before trying to scrape more food from inside her box, “I’m just talking about how metaphors can be wrong when applied to real life. Like, people always think sunny is happy, rain is sad, a thunderstorm is scary, and all that implied meaning, when there really should be none.”

“Well, while I don’t understand why we’re talking about literary theory during dinner, but I think that it could still be applied in real life,” I say teasingly, handing her my box so she can eat more, and she smiles gratefully as I take her box to gather our other trash, “Because we’re the ones who apply those meanings in our real life. Like, if you’re always sad during rains _ it might be _ because you couldn’t really go out to play with your friends, and then even more sad things would happen when you’re growing up. Making rainy days sadder for you. You know, it’s all about what you feel about things and the things you associate it with that makes it meaningful for you.”

Yeojin sighs, scooping her last bite as she hands me the box, trying to grin at me as she chews. I stare at her patiently, placing her drink close to her as I wait for her to finish, when she speaks again while biting her spoon, “In a sense, I could understand that, but that can be a little constricting, especially when the meaning you’ve given to some things can change drastically in ways that you could never be prepared for.”

She smiles at me, taking the trash bag from my hands, groaning as she gets up to throw it. She doesn’t ask for directions, the wind blows again from the open window, and I get up to finally close it. I wonder if Jinsol unnie still hates the cold.

  
  


_ “I don’t really know about people, I mean everything changes,” Yeojin says chuckling, bopping Yerim’s nose again as she continues to smile at her widely, “We change every day, but maybe it’s more important that we can believe that we could change because sometimes we would come back to who we always believe who we are.” _

_ Yerim’s smile softens. Her hands over her chest, she looks at Yeojin closely and wonders if maybe her consistency had been something that she had learned. And she wonders still if she can try to remain that way as well, but the little smile on Yeojin’s face makes her curious if she had already known what the answer would actually be. She closes her eyes, the sound of Yeojin unpausing the movie lulls her to peace, the fingers skimming her hair reminds her of something that she thinks she had forgotten, and she ponders, if maybe, she should always look back to all the little moments in her life that had given her the chance to learn who she wants to be. Yeojin laughs, the movement pools inside of her. A warmth that spreads a little in her being that pushes her to open her eyes and to join in with her laughter. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pspspspspspss Come on, don't be shy.... Comment something....


	14. Lingering Colds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Chuu feels like she's still sick
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
PTSD  
ANXIETY ATTACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
PTSD  
ANXIETY ATTACK
> 
> This is the episode from the drama that made me angry so much, and it's very sad but unfortunately important to the characterization and the plot that centers on a character. I have finished writing this chapter after I published the last chapter, but I wanted to wait until I could at least start try to tackle the next chapter before I could publish this one. 
> 
> Please read this chapter with caution. Thank you for reading. Thank Kevin.

_ Jungeun’s eyes follow the condensation drip on the side of her cup, pooling on the table as it circles on the surface. Drip. It merges with another drop. Drip. It becomes heavy enough to slide down faster. Drip. She wonders if she should have just brought her airpods. The chatter has become insufferable. They’re trying to be more discreet, their whispers softer as their eyes had failed, surreptitiously mocking her in their glances, and just the knowledge of what’s happening is enough to make her stomach squirm in quiet discomfort, even when her face is stuck in her usual stoic expression.  _

_ The chair in front of her moves, disturbing her from her wallowing, as Chuu returns from ordering another cup of sugary coffee. She smiles politely at Chuu. Her hands cold as they surround the drink that she had taken to observe in lieu of anything to distract her, she knows what Jinsol would have smilingly done in any of these moments. She would overshare until Jungeun is left as nothing but a laughing mess.  _ “ _ What was your most awkward moment in life?” _

_ “Well…” Chuu pauses to smile wider, her head bowing for a second before looking up at Jungeun with her eyes almost hidden from the little slits of crescents from her smile, “When I played hide-and-seek with my friends as a kid. No matter how far or deep I tried to hide in a bush, I was always the first to get caught. That's because…” _

_ _

** _(Dating Class)_ **

( **Kim Jiwoo)**

_ _

The trees are starting to change, I have seen more red between greens, and some trees have fewer leaves than the others. The air has become more crisp, even now that it’s afternoon the air feels lighter instead of harsh. It feels better walking around even under the sun. With a little skip on my steps, a quiet song that I’m humming, I go along my way with my eyes following the shrubbery planted along beside the stairs. I pause in my steps, spotting a cluster of dandelions swaying gently to the breeze. I hasten to giddily crouch down and pick one up. I remember spending my childhood running around fields to pick dandelion flowers, enjoying blowing on the fluffs, and laughing with my friends. It blows easily now that I have grown but I used to laugh at how absurdly hard it was when I tried blowing the puffs as prettily as the films used to do. I pick one more, standing up to continue skipping along my merry way. Humming again as I spot the building.

_ _

“Chuu!” Surok exclaims, waving hi at me as he walks leisurely towards me.

_ _

“I am right on time, aren't I?” I responded with a wide grin on my face, letting go of the dandelion stem as discreetly as I could. 

_ _

“Yes, you are,” he replies with his charming smile, chuckling as he takes the lead to enter the building, “Let's go inside.”

_ _

“So, this is the design department?” I whisper in awe, walking through the long hallways.

_ _

“Yes, it is,” he responds, fishing a key from his pocket to open a door.

_ _

“Excuse me,” I say as soon as I enter the room, before pausing to take in the sight of numerous lined work stations of machinery clustered on one side while the other half is filled with mannequins wearing clothes of different styles, “Whoa.”

_ _

“Pretty big, huh?” he brags, walking towards his work station as my eyes wander the room, trying to observe all the mannequins with colorful clothing. There was a jumper colored like fluffy pink cotton candy, it’s a sight that reminds me of a jiggly puff. Pretty.

_ _

“No kidding,” I mumble, finally catching up to him, “So many mannequins here.”

_ _

“This is my workstation,” he presents, I look at his desk, watching him pick a notebook from the cluttered mess.

_ _

“Awesome,” I exclaim, watching him hang a measuring tape around his neck, “I'm impressed. You do look like a pro now.”

_ _

“Wanna try this on?” He points to a pretty pastel pink dress on a hanger.

_ _

“Sure,” I replied with little hesitation. I go to one of the dressing rooms near his work station. I think it’s pretty standard for them when they invite someone to model their clothes for them. 

_ _

“It looks nice on you,” he says appreciatively, eyeing the clothes as soon as I get out the dresser. His eyes linger and I turn around. My nose starts to itch.

_ _

“It's a pretty dress,” I answer shyly as I look at myself. I look back at him with a small smile.

_ _

“But it looks a little big on you,” he shakes his head in disappointment, taking his measuring tape off his neck as he approaches me, “I need to take your measurements before I can adjust the size.”

_ _

“Measurements?” I ask, my throat beginning to heat up, “How do you do that?”

_ _

“Don't worry,” he exclaims, smiling as he motions for me to face the other way, “I'll take care of it. Turn around.” 

_ (“Whenever I see the tagger approaching…” Chuu says softly, her smile starting to flag for a second before she bows her head again, swallowing for a second before smiling at Jungeun again.) _

“You're wearing perfume?” Surok asks, his voice lower as his hands guide the measuring tape around me.

“Yeah,” I whisper as my lips begin to quiver, and my throat closes up on me when I try to swallow. My face heats up.

_ (“I can't help but sneeze or get hiccups,” she continues with her wide smile still on her face even as her cheeks redden as if she’s embarrassed.) _

“Now, turn back,” he mumbles, his voice deeper and lower. I turn to him with his face close to mine, and his smile has gone replaced by a little smirk, “You have to raise your arms.” 

** _“Hey, I heard you have a crush on me.” _ ** A voice echoes in my ears and I sneeze.

_ (“The more I try to hold it,” she chuckles, her smile gone for a second, as her hand travels to her cheek to scratch it from embarrassment, “The worse it gets to the point where I can't hide it any longer.”) _

“What is it?” I ask, scratching the tip of my nose as he hands me a plastic cup and a pill. We had to stop taking my measurements because I wouldn’t stop sneezing. We’re sitting on a bench outside the fashion department building, the sun has already started to fall and the day has already become dark. Maybe I should have agreed for an earlier schedule to model for him.

“Cold medicine,” he says chuckling, his charming grin back. 

“Oh my,” I bow in apology, my face feeling like it’s on fire, “Thank you.”

“Are you allergic to something?” he asks with his eyes becoming softer as he watches me take it. I swallow the medicine, drinking all the water from the cup to stomach the medicine easier. It tastes bitter.

“No,” I shake my head, smiling up at him as my hands begin to crumple the plastic cup, “I haven't been able to sleep lately. I think I'm catching a cold.”

“Oh no,” he exclaims in concern, “You should go rest then.”

“I can't,” I reply, my smile becoming wan, sighing as I hang my head in weariness and frustration, “I have this assignment which I haven't even started yet.”

“For which class?” he asks in contemplation.

“Liberal arts,” I mumble back in reply, “It's called introduction to philosophy, but it seems way more advanced.”

“Is it with Professor Kim?” he answers, gleefully clapping his hands before he takes his phone out of his pocket, “I took that class.”

“Oh my gosh, are you serious?” I ask, excitedly turning to him, “Then you must have done this assignment too. Do you by any chance still have your paper?”

“I did finish it but the file is…” He looks through something on his phone, sighing in disappointment before looking back up at me. “Never mind. I don't have the file, but I'm sure I have the printed copy. Is it due tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” I nod at him, “By noon.”

“Why don't you come with me and pick it up from my place?” Surok exclaims after a moment of thought, standing up as he puts his phone back in his pocket, “I will give you a ride back to your dorm.”

“Your... place?” I ask hesitantly. My throat itches again.

“Duh, what are you thinking?” he exclaims with a wide grin, teasingly squinting his eyes as he wags his finger at me, “You will be waiting outside.”

“Oh yeah…” I answer with a giggle, my need for rest outweighing any of my hesitancy. I really need to sleep more. “Of course.”

We walk to his car, parked not far from the fashion department building. His strides are long and relaxed, and I try to follow with my shorter legs. The night had gotten colder. There aren’t many students walking around this part of the campus anymore. A lot of them are wearing multiple layers of clothing and I wonder if I should have done the same. I only had my jean jacket on. A gentle wind blows and I see the dandelions I had passed by earlier look almost like they’re dancing with the wind as they scatter. We stopped by a black car.

“It's pretty far from here,” Surok says as he opens the passenger seat, even as I was waiting to sit on the back seat, “Would that be okay?”

“No problem,” I answer with a smile, nodding in thanks at him, “It will save so much time for my work anyway.” I strap my seatbelt on. Looking ahead as he enters the driver’s seat. The interior of his car hadn’t changed since the last time we went on that assignment date.

“Okay, then,” he exclaims with his charming smile as he looks at me after strapping on his seatbelt, “Let's go.”

“Let’s go!” I responded enthusiastically. 

** _(Son Hyeju)_ **

“I know we are creating art here, but it's pure labor,” my senior claps me on the back, chuckling as he helps me with the scraps that I was carrying to throw on the dump, “How can you show up here every single day? You really like it that much?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” I answer with a smile, heaving as we swing the bag before letting go. It’s nighttime again. I lost track of time, Gowon would probably scold me as soon as I entered the apartment. I have become more mellow with winter approaching. I sigh and my breath clouds my glasses as I stretch my back. My apron feels heavier on me today.

  
  
  


_ (“When you have an allergic reaction,” Chuu looks at her hands now, they lay atop each other, pale as they remain still, “The first time you have it, it feels weird.”) _

  
  


Someone’s laughter catches my attention. The familiar sound is enough to catch my attention. The wind carries the clear notes of her soft voice and my eyes turn to the sound. She was there, standing with her arm around someone as another voice joined her laughter. Her long hair moves with her as she shakes in joy. Their voices sound faint to my ears as they tease each other, playful with each other with their little shoves even as they hold each other close still. 

“Olivia!” Someone’s voice breaks me from my trancelike state and I shake my head. Standing straighter as I turn to my senior. 

“Yes,” I answer, jogging to him as I try to ignore my hands still shaking.

_ (“The moment your own body starts feeling strange…” Chuu pauses, her smile almost gone as if she is lost on something, and her eyes bore through Jungeun. Her gaze looking dazed almost like they cannot see anything in front of her, “The disconcerting feeling you get, as if it's someone else's body.”) _

“What's wrong?” he asks in concern as I have done nothing but stare at the face that I have carved meticulously over in more nights than I could count. Maybe I have gone crazy doing nothing but stare at it. It’s a face deeply engraved in my memories.

_ _

“Uh,” I clear my throat, looking up at him with a sheepish smile as I shake off my hand, “My hand is numb.”

_ _

“You're working too hard,” he responds chuckling, “Take it easy.”

_ _

I nod at him, looking at the face again. My hand moves to secure the head as the other comes up with a file to smoothen its rough edges. My fingers stray and I feel nothing but the sharp and rough edges of marble. I have always wondered if they were soft in person. My hand begins to shake again and I put down the file that I have been using to shape it. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, standing up to remove my apron.

_ There are people around them. People Hyeju had always been afraid to acknowledge. Adults had always been hard for her to deal with. They stare at her pityingly and sometimes in concern. But somehow, it doesn’t matter how they’re looking at her when Yerim’s beside her. She’s blissfully asleep on her shoulder and it makes Hyeju giddy. She hears nothing but the soft snores of Yerim. Feels nothing but the warm weight on her shoulder. Sees nothing but the relaxed expression on Yerim’s face. Her lips open a little as she continues in her sleep and it makes Hyeju chuckle. Yerim’s lips open wider, a soft mumble passes through them and it makes Hyeju feel warmer. Her bottom lip sticks out, looking soft and pink as Hyeju continues to stare at them. She wonders if she would ever know how they would feel. The thought makes her bristle, her face becoming hotter than she had ever remembered, her heart pounding in fear, and she almost launches herself off the bench. _

_ Yerim wakes from her sleep. “What’s the matter?” she mumbles, rubbing her eyes awake. _

_ “Nothing,” Hyeju answers, clearing her throat as she smiles at Yerim, “I just need to go to the bathroom for a little bit.” And Hyeju would try to stop her heart from pounding heavily, even as they constrict in pain from guilt. _

“I just want to forget about the assignment and go see the ocean,” I mumble sleepily. I think the cold medicine is starting to take effect. Surok’s car feels warm.

“We should go then,” Surok responds enthusiastically.

“There's no way we can go now,” I answer in disappointment, shaking my head even as I smile at him, “I don't even have time to go to Hangang, and it's right around the corner.”

Surok looks at me, his gaze contemplative as he hums. We continue the ride in relative silence, my drowsiness creeping back on me again. The car slows to a stop. Surok removed his seatbelt before looking over at me with a smile. “Wait in the car,” he exclaims, “I'll be right back.”

“Take your time,” I responded as I watched his hasty strides to his apartment.

“Okay,” he answers yelling, waving his hands at me as he continues his walk at a slower pace.

** _(When are you coming home? Want to get some fried chicken together?)_ **

It’s a message from Heejin. She had started to become more worried about me. Watching out more for my health as I had started to sleep less to try and catch up to all my assignments and projects. She even bought me orange juice the other day.

  
  


** _(Sounds perfect. Be there soon.)_ **

I responded, giggling to myself. I sigh looking out the window of Surok’s car. It looks like he’s taking longer. His car really feels warm.

  
  


_ (“I thought,” Chuu had started to scratch at her hand, her voice becoming meeker, “I would get used to it eventually. That with patience and time, I could put up with anything. Whatever that may be.”) _

There was a  _ snap _ . The sound of a camera shutter going off. And it startles me awake. “Taking it easy because you have less work to do now?” Surok asks, and when I turn to look at him he’s smiling his usual charming smile.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” I asked in a panic. My voice sounds hoarse from sleep. My nose is itching again. My throat is heating up fast.

“Nice, isn't it?” He avoids the question, looking out the window instead, as he continues to smile, his voice sounding almost dreamy. “The view's much better in the daylight. Too bad we had to come at night. Do you want to go outside?”

“Where are we?” My voice sounds like it's shaking even to my ears. My lips had started to quiver again. The hair at the back of my nape is standing up. I can hear the faint rumble of ocean waves, but my eyes cannot see anything. It’s too dark out.

“Bukhangang,” he answers with that same smile still on his face.

“Did you say Bukhangang? Why are we…” My hands start to shake.

_ (“To my surprise, my doctor had a different opinion,” Chuu had lost her smile, and now her hands are shaking even as she looks like she’s trying to squeeze them together to stop, “In this world we live in, certain things should be avoided.”) _

“How are you feeling now?” Surok asks, unfazed with the panic that I’m starting to exhibit, “You look really good in that dress.” His hand had started to reach out to me. 

“How could you do this to me?” I exclaim in disgust.

“What?” His eyes had changed then. He retracts his hand.

“You should've woken me up,” I squeeze my hands together, almost yelling now, “I have work to do and everything-”

“You're the one who wanted to see the ocean,” he cuts me off. His smile is gone.

“That wasn't what I…” My voice had become weaker. He starts the car again. The engine ignites and the warmth from earlier becomes suffocating.

“I do this for you and now you're mad?” He speeds the car away. Everywhere I look is unfamiliar to me.

“Where are we going now?” I almost dreaded asking. Everything feels weird to me. It’s like I’ve lost control of my body.

“What? Where do you think I'm going at this hour?” His voice sounds almost thundering now. His annoyance weighing down on me more.

“Why don't you answer my question?” I can hear my heart pounding heavily, my head painfully beating as my distress echoes to nobody. I want to escape. Every sound feels too painful and loud, even when I strain to listen above from the panic that’s drowning me. I feel too restrained; bound by the moving car and the need to calm myself. My hands grow colder, my knuckles turning white, and my whole body feels too large even though I'm crammed into the little corner of the car. I thought that I was already as far as I could from him, and yet my body is filled with the need to understand who owns my body still. I shake my head, trying too hard to clear the fog that has settled in, my vision becoming blurry as everything starts to feel too much. I feel my whole body become drenched in sweat, the space that I have been trying to create feels too little even when my hands already feel like they’re bruising from trying to compact myself as much as I could to the car door. I’m trying to hold myself together as my whole body shivers, wracked with fear that I had tried to forget. “Where are we going?”

“Hey!” he shouts, removing his eyes from the road to look at me with his sharp eyes, and his lips twisted in disgust. My heart beats faster, I can taste acid in the back of my throat, and my eyes glaze over with more panic as my ears hear nothing now but a loud ringing. I look away, trying to cover my ears with my hands to stop the sound. His voice sounded too loud. “Do I look like some kind of criminal to you?”

“Let me out,” my voice sounded too hoarse, my stomach twists with every moment that I can feel the car move, and my hands travel to my mouth back to try and make sense of how hard I feel like they’re shaking. I need to shout. “Stop the car!”

“Get out of my car. I don't want to see your face, get out!” The car halts abruptly, the seat belt digs deep on my chest and it feels like it's squeezing more out of me. My hand shakes too much as I try to unbound myself as fast as I could, my other hand already opening the door. I clamber out of my seat, his words lost to me as my legs touch the ground. His car speeds away, my knees are stinging, wobbling as I try to stand and regain as much strength that I could.

_ (“After all,” Chuu smiles again, her voice becoming smaller as she avoids Jungeun’s worried gaze, “It is important to learn what is not right for me.”) _

“What the…” I can hear somebody’s voice from behind me. My knees shake, my tears fall finally, my stomach squeezes itself as I force the acid back down again, my eyes are unfocused as I try to make sense of where I was, and the ringing from my ears become even more insufferable. I feel like I needed to drown myself to stop everything from shaking too much. 

_(“It was then I realized…” Chuu tries to keep her smile, her lips tugging up even as her eyes remain faraway. “I…” She inhales, her smile falling as she continues, “I never had an allergy to begin with. I was just… afraid of that moment…” Her eyes mist over, her voice cracking as she tries to finish her sentence with a small bitter smile, “And scared.”)_

“Jiwoo!” The voice has become louder. Air escapes me even as I try to breathe harder. My knees finally give up on me. I really thought I had overcome this side of me. My hands shake as I try to hold myself up with futility. The last of my strength leaves me as my voice does. “Help me…”


End file.
